Christopher Ransom - The Birthing House

Hey, who knows, maybe the house swallowed it up!

'Jesus Christ.'

Swearing off masturbation for at least another week, Conrad undressed, climbed in the shower and let the cold water run. At age thirty, he was tired of his sex drive, frightened of where it was leading him.

Conrad was walking the dogs when he saw the car come to a stop at the four-way intersection, and by then she was attempting to escape. The boyfriend - Teddy, Eddie, something always unsteady - braked hard. The passenger door swung all the way out and rebounded into her shin.

'Ow, you asshole!'

It was early in the afternoon, eighty-eight degrees, and no one came out when she started yelling. Eddie grabbed at her shirt to keep her from fleeing and Nadia's palm cracked against her boyfriend's cheek, causing him to blurt, 'Aw, fuck!'

'Aw, fuck, is right,' Conrad said to the dogs, stepping off the curb. 'Here we go.'

There were two types of kids here, he'd noticed. The almost unbelievably plain second- and third-generation farm kids and do-gooders who'd yet to be exposed to even the imagined horrors of teen angst. Coming from what appeared to be a loving home and despite the company she kept, Nadia seemed like this type.

The other type was Eddie's type. They used to be called townies, but now . . . whatever they were called, Eddie's car was not helping his case. It was one of those compact models Pontiac made for about three years. Teal-green with purple pinstriping down the side - just a little sexiness to make the buyer feel like this mass-produced hunk of shit would help him express something. The mortarboard tassel dangling from the rearview mirror suggested the best days of Eddie's life were behind him, and the thumping bass emanating from the sub-panel in the back was a white trash-y, effete disco - uhn-tiss, uhn-tiss, uhn-tiss - that nearly drowned out the yowling hole that was the muffler. The entire package had to be violating at least three noise ordinances.

At least until Eddie and his cruiser stalled out and began to roll down Heritage Street in reverse, when everything became quiet.

Conrad cleared his throat. 'Nadia?'

'What?' she said, tearing herself from Eddie's clutches.

'Sorry to bother you. You know where we can go swimming?'

Eddie peered over her shoulder. The boy's lacquered buzz cut and wispy thin sideburns reflected sunlight and made his acne gleam.

Conrad smiled. You see me, you little fuck? Good, 'cause I'm on my way . Alice and Luther crossed leashes and started whining to go for a ride.

Nadia blinked at him. 'You want to go swimming?'

'My dogs are just about to croak from this heat; thought we'd find a watering hole.' Luther and Alice pawed at the door. 'Conrad, your new neighbor? It's Nadia, right?'

Eddie continued to project his best thousand-yard stare through the windshield. It was nine hundred and ninety feet short. Conrad winked at Nadia - work with me, girl. Nadia smirked - she got it.

'They look like they could use a swim,' Nadia said. 'Hey, hot doggies, what's up?'

'By the way.' Conrad nudged the door open so the dogs could play their part. 'I'm Conrad Harrison, you must be Teddie, right?'

'Eddie,' Eddie said, scowling at Conrad's outstretched hand. Nadia was cooing at Luther and Alice as they nosed into her lap.

'These two are Luther and Alice, my sweet little baby bulls.' Conrad felt a pang of guilt for using them this way, adding to the stereotype he and Jo had tried to prove undeserved ever since adopting the mutts. 'Oh, don't worry, though. Terrier mixes are no different than any other species of dog. In fact, they're a lot like people. Most are good, some are bad, and it all depends on who raises them.'

'Shit, I gotta go, Nads, get those dogs outta my car.'

'Sorry, Eddie. Let me just - hey, where was that watering hole, did you say?' Conrad made a show of trying to pull them out, leaning over Nadia. 'Darn it, they don't want to come out. Come on, Alice, let's get out of the nice man's car.'

'Here, let me.' Nadia hauled herself out and unwound Alice's leash from her legs.

Conrad pulled Luther from the front seat. 'There we go, all clear. Sorry.'

'Tssh,' Eddie said and turned to his girlfriend. 'We going or what?'

'Hold on.' Nadia turned to Conrad. 'You still need to know how to get to Governor Dodge?'

'The what?'

'The lake up the state park. Dogs are allowed.'

'Oh, yeah. Cool.' He stood there in the street, nodding at her.

'Tell you what,' she said, glancing back at Eddie, who was revving his engine. 'Why don't I draw you a map?'

'That'd be helpful.'

'Eddie, why don't you--'

Eddie squealed the tires and blew the stop sign near the Kwik-Trip, cranked his music and floored it around the corner.

Nadia watched the spot where Eddie had just been, then nodded and snapped her fingers.

'Thanks for that.'

'Oh, no, it wasn't--'

'Yes, it was. I needed rescuing and you rescued me.'

'If that's true, then I'm glad I was walking by. I should get them home. You going this way?'

'I live next door, don't I?'

'So, you do live at home?'

'Where else would I live?'

'I don't know. None of my business, actually.' Dumbfuck.

She walked beside him as the dogs careened, sniffing every inch of the sidewalk. He noticed her small feet, the retro Eastland mocs she wore with no socks, the laces done up in that preppy pretzel thing like two little boat fenders hanging over the sides - shoes Holly used to wear. She wore simple blue canvas shorts and her calves were muscled, a soccer player's legs. A plain white tee on top, snug over the soccer ball of her belly. He guessed she was five or six months along, but he was afraid to ask. The rest of her was shorter than he remembered. Compared to his nearly Amazonian wife, this was like walking a girl home from school. It felt like he was already courting her, and that couldn't be right, no matter how much benefit of the doubt he gave himself.

Nadia said, 'Oh, and don't tell my parents, okay?'

'About?'

'About Eddie,' she said.

He kept his eyes on the sidewalk. 'Of course.'

What else could she have meant, 'Rad?

'Hey, by the way,' she said. 'What's with the red light?'

'The red - oh, in the garage. Must seem pretty weird, huh? New neighbors and there's a spooky red glow emanating from the garage.'

'I wasn't spying.'

'No, I know. It's kind of neat, actually. Or at least I think so. Do you want to see them?'

'Them?'

'Yeah,' he said, tromping faster as the dogs pulled him through their little Eden of a backyard. 'I pretty much guarantee you haven't seen these before. Come on.'

Nadia followed him to the detached garage where the red light glowed night and day.

'There's nothing dangerous in here, you have my word. But before we go in, do you have any phobias?'

Nadia stepped back, crossed her arms and pursed her lips.

Conrad nodded. 'I guess I better just spit it out. I have snakes. Non-venomous, harmless snakes. In cages.'

This was the moment when they either turned and fled or got all bright-eyed and brave.

'Snakes. You have snakes, like for pets?'

'Ah, not so much pets as a hobby. Snakes aren't really pets, because they don't like or dislike people. Well, some of them are afraid of people, but most of them are indifferent.'

'Yikes.'

'If it's not your thing, we don't have to--'

'Show me.'

'You sure?'

She nodded quickly, tensed but excited.

'I knew you would be brave.'

They stepped inside. Conrad dropped the leashes and deactivated the ADT system as the dogs went on a sniffing spree along the indoor-outdoor carpet. The six hanging fixtures housed twin four-foot Vita-Life bulbs and the space was full of purple-tinted white light. A portable swamp cooler for dangerously hot days sat in the corner. The old workbench was clean, with towels, water bowls, plastic hide-ins and cleaning products stacked neatly to one side. Along the front of the bench hung three stainless-steel gaff hooks that looked like dental instruments made for an ogre.