Joan Vinge - World's End

Sitting on the floor, I realize that my body no longer hurts anywhere. I have healed overnight.

Overnight? I feel only a passing dismay at the vagaries of time. I stretch without hurting for the first time in . . longer than I can remember, and I am only grateful. I scratch at the sparse stubble of beard on my chin.

The Lake calls me to the window, and I look out at it.

I watch it mutate and flow as it changes randomly, helplessly.

. . . Helplessly. How do I know that? My hands make fists on the stone windowsill. I shut my eyes, reciting an adhani and feeling the demon choir inside me fade; listening for the darker voice hidden beneath them, the voice that I thought was my own madness--the voice of the Lake. I open my eyes, taking a deep breath, ready to try again.

How does this thing get into my mind? As I ask myself the question, I realize there can only be one answer: Because

I'm a sibyl, like Song. But what is the mechanism? I

force my thoughts into the chains of question and answer.

Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

If I can only understand this, I'll know better

172

WORLD S END

whether I'm really insane--whether I can ever be sane again. The virus causes altered brain structure, receptivity to a faster-than-light medium . . . my excitement rises . . . which means . . .

which means . . . ?

"Shit!" I push myself away from the window as my concentration falls apart and the thing inside me gibbers its frustration. "Damn it! Damn, damn--" not even sure if the curses are my own.

Song cries out in the next room, as if she feels everything I do. I go into the room and she hurls a piece of clothing at me. "Get out! Get away from me, you failure, leave me alone!" Her voice is tremulous with pain, but her eyes are like obsidian. She clutches the fire globe against her breast.

Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

"I didn't ask for this!" I snarl, sullen with exasperation.

"I came here to find my brothers, not to solve your problems."

Page 135

"Liar!" She stalks back and forth, her robe flapping open so that I glimpse a flash of breast or thigh as she moves. "You couldn't wait to get your hands on me. You wanted me--everyone wants me, because I have power.

They'd do anything to have me. But they're all afraid of me except you." Her hands touch her breasts; I look away. "You weren't afraid ... I thought you were different.

But you're not the man who came here--"

"What do you want from me?" I shout furiously.

"You infected me! You wanted a crazy man, and that's what you've got! Tell me what the bloody hell you--"

I break off.

Her eyes are glazing . . . she has gone into Transfer.

"Song?" I stare at her. For a moment I can't even remember what question I've asked. And who have I

called to answer it--

"Help . . . me," she whispers. "I want . . . help me.

Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

Order me."

The Lake roars into my mind, her voice echoes inside

i73

JOAND. VINGE

me, until I can barely speak. "Order--you to do--what?

Who are you? Where are you?"

"Lost . . ." she moans. (Lost lost lost.) "Save me. . . ."

"Damn it--" I dig my fists into my eyes until I see stars. I know this is important, desperately important.

But the Lake is all around me. "The Lake? Are you a prisoner of the Lake?"

"No . . . Lake. Here."

"Where? What--" I try to think. "What are you?"

"Lake. Lake." (Lake lake lake . . .)

Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

Page 136

My breath catches. The Lake is speaking to me, through Song. "But what are you?" I shout, shouting down the echoes inside my head.

"Your servant... Lake." Song's eyes are vacant, helpless.

I turn away, shaking my head, wanting to shake her.

"How can I help you?"

"Ask . . ." she gasps, "ask the right questions."

What are you, what do you want from me, how can I help you--? "I can't think of anything else!"

And unspeakable anguish fills me.

Song falls out of Transfer into a sobbing heap. "Please, please . . . I" she cries, as if her heart is breaking. "I can't

... I can't . . . bear it. Help me--"

I fall on my knees beside her and take her in my arms, holding her against my heart, because her pain is mine, as bitter and unstoppable as tears. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry

. . ."I groan, to her, to the raving monster that holds us captive. "I tried." Seeing now that she is as much its

Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

prisoner as I am. "Why does it do this to you ... to us?

By all the gods, what does it want from us--tell me, Song!" I do shake her now, to make her listen.

She looks at me in fear, as if she thinks she will fall into Transfer again. "Don't!" I shout. She doesn't. "It's so alone--" Her voice trembles. "There's no one else who hears it--not through a thousand years. So it keeps

i74

WORLD S END

me here ... I keep it here ..." She wipes at her eyes.

"It's lost in time. It needs ..." She caresses the fire globe that lies in her lap.

"What?" I ask.

"You were supposed to know! You're supposed to

... to know."

"Why? Why me? Why not--Goldbeard, or somebody

Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

Page 137

else? Why not you?"

"I can't! Nobody can answer it; nobody knows what it wants, nobody knows what it is! ... I'm lost. I can't hold on to anything. It takes everything away from me

. . ." She clings to me, burying her face against my neck.

Her whole body shudders. "It's eating me alive."

"Gods...." I wipe my nose, sniveling with self-pity. I have failed again, failed miserably, and I don't even know at what. Why me? What do I know that matters? I'm no one-- "I thought... I thought you controlled the Lake. I thought you knew what it was! I saw you with those men, you called up a power and you killed them--"

"The Lake killed them!" She pushes away from me. "It took them somewhere else. It touches the crowd through me. When it comes that close, things happen. Things used to happen to Sanctuary all the time, that's what everyone says. Until I came. Now they only happen when I can't hold on, when I hate them so much...." Her hands clench. "I just never know what--"

"Were those men guilty?"

Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

"I don't know." She looks at me strangely. Suddenly her fingers sink into my flesh. "I don't care!

They're all guilty, those maggots! I suffer to save them--let them suffer too!" She begins to cry again, bruising her fists against my vest.

"Help me find my brothers," I say softly. "I know they're here. You even saw them, you passed judgment on them. Help me find them, and I'll take you away from here."

175

JOAND. VINGE

"That's not the answer!" Her eyes are like black glass again. "I know them, two Kharemoughis.

They were worms, even the Lake didn't want them. So I let Gold beard sell them."

I straighten up. "Who owns them? Where can I find them?"

Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

"You don't want to know. That's not why you came.

You don't care about your family. Nobody does, it's all a lie."

The words sink into my heart like a knife. "That's not

. . . that's not true. My father . . . your mother--"

Page 138

"I hate my mother! She never understood anything.

She made my father feel like nothing, because he was