David Wallechinsky - The Book of Lists

• Anybody who hates children and dogs can’t be all bad.

Attributed to : W.C. Fields

Actually said by : Leo Rosten (at a dinner, introducing Fields): ‘Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.’

• Go west, young man!

Attributed to : Horace Greeley

Actually said by : John Soule (Article, Terre Haute Express , 1851)

• Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it!

Attributed to : Mark Twain

Actually said by : Charles Dudley Warner (Editorial, Hartford Courant , August 24, 1897)

• Survival of the fittest.

Attributed to : Charles Darwin

Actually said by : Herbert Spencer ( Principles of Biology and earlier works)

• That government is best which governs least.

Attributed to : Thomas Jefferson

Actually said by : Henry David Thoreau (who put it in quotation marks in ‘Civil Disobedience’ and called it a motto)

• Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Attributed to : The Bible

Actually said by : John Wesley ( Sermons , no. 93, ‘On Dress’)

• A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Attributed to : Confucius

Actually said by : Lao-Tzu ( Tao Tê Ching )

• God helps those who help themselves.

Attributed to : The Bible

Actually said by : Aesop (‘The gods help them that help themselves.’)

• God is in the details.

Attributed to : Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

Actually said by : François Rabelais (‘The good God is in the details.’)

• If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Attributed to : Harry S Truman

Actually said by : Harry Vaughn (Truman’s friend, whom Truman was quoting)

• Promises are like pie crust, made to be broken.

Attributed to : V.I. Lenin

Actually said by : Jonathan Swift ( Polite Conversation : ‘Promises are like pie crust, leaven to be broken.’)

• Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.

Attributed to : Mark Twain

Actually said by : Bill Nye

• When I hear the word ‘culture’, I reach for my gun.

Attributed to : Hermann Göring

Actually said by : Hanns Johst (1933 play Schlageter : ‘Whenever I hear the word “culture”, I reach for my Browning.’)

• Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.

Attributed to : Vince Lombardi

Actually said by : Red Sanders (UCLA football coach; quoted in Sports Illustrated , 1955)

• Spare the rod and spoil the child.

Attributed to : The Bible

Actually said by : Samuel Butler ( Hudibras , 1664)

Attributed to : Muhammad Ali

Actually said by : Drew ‘Bundini’ Brown (Ali’s good friend)

Born Allan Konigsberg in Brooklyn on December 1, 1935, Allen began writing quips for gossip columnists at the age of 15. After graduating from high school, he landed a job writing for Sid Caesar’s classic television comedy series Your Show of Shows . In 1961 he branched out from writing to stand-up comedy. He also wrote plays and screenplays before directing his first film, What’s Up, Tiger Lily? , in 1966. Among his many hits are Annie Hall (1977), Manhattan (1979) and Hannah and Her Sisters (1986).

• It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better… while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Side Effects, 1981

• Don’t listen to what your schoolteachers tell you. Don’t pay attention to that. Just see what they look like and that’s how you know what life is really going to be like.

Crimes and Misdemeanors, 1990

• [Intellectuals] are like the Mafia. They only kill their own.

Stardust Memories, 1980

• Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents told us was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat, college.

Annie Hall, 1977

• The prettiest [girls] are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.

The Early Essays, 1973

• Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.

A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy, 1982

• Nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.

Alice, 1990

• Love is deep; sex is only a few inches.

Bullets Over Broadway, 1994

• I thought of that old joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ‘Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken.’ And the doctor says, ‘Why don’t you turn him in?’ And the guy says, ‘I would but I need the eggs.’ Well, I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know, they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd… but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.

Annie Hall, 1977

• To you, I’m an atheist… to God I’m the loyal opposition.

Stardust Memories, 1980

• I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.

• Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment. And that’s really what I would prefer .

1987

• There’s this old joke. Two elderly women are in a Catskills Mountain resort and one of ’em says: ‘Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.’ The other one says, ‘Yeah, I know, and such small portions.’ Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly.

Annie Hall, 1977

• Look before you leap

He who hesitates is lost

• If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again

Don’t beat your head against a brick wall

• Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Out of sight, out of mind

• Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today

Don’t cross the bridge until you come to it

• Two heads are better than one

Paddle your own canoe

• More haste, less speed

Time waits for no man

• You’re never too old to learn

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks

• A word to the wise is sufficient

Talk is cheap

• It’s better to be safe than sorry

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

• Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts

• Do unto others as you would have others do unto you

Nice guys finish last

• Hitch your wagon to a star

Don’t bite off more than you can chew

• Many hands make light work

Too many cooks spoil the broth

• Don’t judge a book by its cover

Clothes make the man

• The squeaking wheel gets the grease

Silence is golden

• Birds of a feather flock together

Opposites attract

• The pen is mightier than the sword

Actions speak louder than words

The fastest land snail on record is a garden snail named Archie, who won the 1995 World Snail Racing Championship in Longhan, England, by covering 13 inches in 2 minutes. Archie’s pace was .0062 mph.