David Wallechinsky - The Book of Lists

Married in Hollywood in March, 1916, Swanson and Beery separated three weeks later. Said Beery: ‘She wanted the fancy life — to put on airs and all of that. Me, I like huntin’ and fishin’ and the simple life.’ Said Swanson: ‘I wanted to have a baby and Wally didn’t want that responsibility.’

The first male nude centrefold model for the London edition of Cosmopolitan magazine, De Feu lured Greer into marriage in May 1968. However, in Greer’s words, ‘The marriage lasted three weeks. Three weekends, to be precise.’

In 1994, the pair was married for three weeks. Barrymore later admitted that she was trying to help Thomas obtain a green card to stay in the United States.

Idolised as the great lover of the screen in the 1920s, Rudolph Valentino starred in such romantic epics as The Sheik, Blood and Sand and The Eagle . His death in 1926 caused worldwide hysteria, several suicides, and riots at his funeral. Each year, on the anniversary of his death, hundreds of the faithful gather at his burial-site to pay tribute.

• Fidelity

• The recognition of the supreme importance of love

• Intelligence

• Beauty

• A sense of humour

• Sincerity

• An appreciation of good food

• A serious interest in some art, trade or hobby

• An old-fashioned and wholehearted acceptance of monogamy

• Courage

Source: Cleveland Amory, Vanity Fair (Copyright © 1926, 1954 by The Condé Nast Publications Inc.)

‘Marriage, n . The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.’

‘A man may be a fool and not know it — but not if he is married.’

‘For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.’

Heinrich Heine bequeathed his estate to his wife on the condition that she marry again, because, according to Heine , ‘There will be at least one man who will regret my death.’

‘American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.’

‘I’ve only slept with the men I’ve been married to. How many women can make that claim?’

‘Take it from me, marriage isn’t a word — it’s a sentence.’

‘Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out.’

‘I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.’

‘There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.’

‘The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties.’

‘By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.’

‘Marriage is neither heaven nor hell; it is simply purgatory.’

‘It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.’

‘It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.’

‘She has buried all her female friends; I wish she would make friends with my wife.’

‘Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.’

‘If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.’

‘Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.’

‘Sex when you’re married is like going to a 7-Eleven. There’s not as much variety, but at three in the morning, it’s always there.’

‘Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days until the condition clears up.’

‘My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.’

‘Only choose in marriage a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man.’

Primary source: A Curmudgeon’s Garden of Love , compiled and edited by Jon Winokur (copyright © 1991 by Jon Winokur. Reprinted by permission of the author.)

According to biographers, avant-garde artist Ono pursued Lennon relentlessly. At the time they met, she was showing her work at London’s Indica Gallery. Lennon saw the show, which impressed him, but did not respond immediately to her advances, which included pleas for sponsorship of her art, hanging around outside his door, and bombarding him with notes. Eventually the couple divorced their respective spouses and married in 1969 on the Rock of Gibraltar.

Jones was a script girl on The Flying Deuces , starring Laurel and Hardy. One day on the set, she tripped over a rolled-up carpet, struck her head on the arc light, and was taken to the hospital. While she was unconscious, Hardy was struck by her beauty. He courted her by sending flowers and notes to the hospital. They were married in 1940.

Heavy-metal rocker Osbourne met his wife-to-be when she was working as a receptionist for her father, a London music agent. He walked into her office barefoot, with a tap dangling from his neck, and sat on the floor. ‘I was terrified,’ she recalled. The couple wed two years later, in 1981, and had three children together. The Osbournes subsequently became beloved MTV stars as the world watched their vivid family life unfolding on the small screen.

The diminutive sex therapist met her third husband on a ski trip in the Catskills in 1966. Her boyfriend, Hans, was six feet tall, and an uncomfortable match on the ski-lift T-bar. At the top she told Hans, ‘I’m going up with that short man,’ pointing to the five-foot Westheimer. They married less than a year later. Westheimer sometimes called his wife ‘my skiing accident’.

The Duke of Windsor was introduced to Mrs Wallis Simpson — the woman for whom he eventually gave up the throne — at a house party. He asked whether she missed American central heating. She replied, ‘I’m sorry, sir, but you disappoint me… Every American woman that comes to your country is always asked the same question. I had hoped for something more original from the Prince of Wales.’

Baywatch actress Anderson met the Motley Crue drummer at a New Year’s party. ‘He sat with me and kept licking my face,’ she recalled. ‘When I left, he was begging me for my phone number. I said no way. But then I gave him my number because he was interesting.’ After a five-day courtship at the resort of Cancun, Mexico, the couple was wed on the beach.