Yury Gurkov: Note: To read before the wedding

We promised to go with each other through life hand in hand, together experiencing the joy of happy days and sorrows. Young, with not strong enough mind and balanced forecasts for the future they refer to love so easily! They think love will help them to overcome everything. They fulfill forms in the registry office in a rush dreaming of the best future. Yes, of course love can definitely overcome everything, forgive, change the character, teach you how to ‘spend’ yourself for your partner and get a real pleasure from it. Only it is not just a guy's attraction to a girl, it is not only a desire. Such love – is a spiritual work on your consciousness, on your natural laziness and selfishness so that each of your word, movement or deal makes your beloved better. Try to find these strings in your partner in crime, perhaps they will be able to tune in unison with the true love, with your desire to build your family hearth in delightful estimates. Life shows that people begin to think about this as they grow up but certainly not when we are at the age of 18. So you also can grow up, if all the sentences does not make any sense to you.

SUCH LOVE – IS A SPIRITUAL WORK ON YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, ON YOUR NATURAL LAZINESS AND SELFISHNESS SO THAT EACH OF YOUR WORD, MOVEMENT OR DEAL MAKES YOUR BELOVED BETTER.

Why does the age play a crucial role in this choice? Why do you think of him as an angel at 18 and closer to 30 you ‘do not have enough fresh air’ and now you would not have married him in any way? What has happened over the years? The answer is very simple – growing up and opening the ‘package’. After re-reading the book I hope that you will become more practical, analyze your current and former relationships, and become older in this issue.

It doesn't come for our mind to expect a 5 year old child to be a 10 year old, or from a 15 year old girl to be a 25 year old woman? We are waiting for the natural growth of children, when they will step by step learn the rules of behavior, what is allowed and what is not. We teach them by our own example and try to learn from others too. At this age, when the child is not yet able to think sensibly and practically himself, we have full responsibility and control over him. We do not let him stumble, get burned, ‘make a real mess of things’. But after 18 and sometimes even earlier, children begin to make their own decisions and do some stuff in which we do not have time to interfere or we are not allowed. Children do not let us because they consider themselves as already experienced persons and they have been waiting for so long to say "I will figure it out", "I know how it would be better", etc. What remains for parents? They can only try to advise but in the matter of choosing your fiancé, the probability of influence at this age is almost absent, at least in most families.

If you are 18 years old or approximately 18 today, my advice to you – do not rush to get married, do not be in a hurry because it would not be you to say a very popular phrase among divorced people in 5–10 years: "If I understood it then." It would be more logical and useful in order to reduce divorce – to allow marriage, for example, after 25 years, a kind of 25+ law. There would be of fewer mistakes. This sometimes affects not only those who say ‘marry me’ and those who say ‘I am getting married’, but also their parents. One girl's parents shared a similar situation that happened in their lives. Their daughter abruptly got married, and the parents were forced to take the credit for the wedding. After 3 months, their daughter said that she did not want to live with her husband; apparently very quickly she realized her mistake and divorced him. A year later, she got married for the second time, which means that she did not have enough time to make serious conclusions, but her parents still pay the loan with interest for the first wedding. These are the conflicts and interweaving: for the one person – getting experience from her mistakes, the other – paying for this experience. Although it is a weak argument, but still take care of your parents, please, do not do in your 18 what you need to do after growing up, at least beyond the equator of the third ten.

Should there be any standards in this matter of choosing a spouse? Do we all have to do this in an identical way, as we calculate the interest on loans, open a deposit in a bank or solve a mathematical problem "from point A to point B…"? The answer is very obvious. There should be no clear understanding of this issue.

So often there was an opinion when we talked with the girls at the stage of interviews and discussion of the topic: "Oh, and what, when I read, I will know everything and will choose the perfect husband? I wish it was so easy!"

We can confidently say: "Yes, you will choose a perfect husband for yourself with his ideal (for you) shortcomings, whom, firstly, you will know from A to Z, secondly, you will be morally ready for all his disadvantages, and the most important part – you have to try to raise the ideal man because it is most likely that the ‘ideal ones’ are few and they all are in the "red book".

Currently the statistics on marriages for women at 18 years has declined, for men it is less than 1 %. The highest percentage have girls who get married at the age of 20–25 years – about 40 %, i.e. about half of all girls try not to miss their chance and create a family in the first years of adult life – first years at work or as university students. Another 30 % – under the age of 30, and after 30 – every tenth person. So it turns out, you can not sit too long and wait too much. A hasty decision is also not good because your own world perception should be formed and it takes a time. Of course, there are also balanced marriages at an early age, for example – due to traditions, but if the situation allows then take 25 years as a reference point. It is not for nothing that statistics confirm our fears – that about 40 % of couples divorce due to the fact that at one time they made a hasty decision, registering a marriage. It also often happens under the pressure from relatives. Once again, we highlight – HASTY decision! So we should prepare according to the plan without ‘rush’.

Please, remember the statistics of divorces, it is worth repeating that those women who hurried to get married in their early ages in 60 % of cases do not marry anymore. So, every third «divorcee» will remain alone. This means that for every third woman the state "in search" will be for the rest of their lives. Do you want to be in such a long and fruitless search? And the search itself is not as terrible as the lack of implementation of women in all its manifestations. And what about the prospect of earning money and raising a child alone? What if there are two or three children? Every uncomplicated female fate shaves off all the girl's dreams of love and well-being of family everyday life. Let the statistics be your inhibiting argument for an early or hasty marriage.

Do not forget that after 35 years, the cause of female loneliness is a clear lack of men due to high mortality. And the other problem is that there is almost 15 million «army» of drug addicts, alcoholics, gambling addicts. They will skillfully hide their shortcomings, say that it is an accident or it was deep in the past. And a few million girls will believe them, marry them and have children with them…

People just should not be allowed to go in the registry office (even to submit an application) in case they had never read such books. If I was there, I would give them a special, carefully prepared, test with questions right on the doorstep. How much do they know about each other? How many weaknesses have they noticed? What do they expect from each other? And if a young couple of two loving hearts scores few points – marching orders! They cannot go into. They cannot make such mistakes. Of course, it sounds categorically, but the reason for this – are endless successive failures and setbacks in choosing a husband.