Eugene Petrov - The Twelve Chairs

Krasilnikov comes to me and asks, 'Where's all that firewood goin'?' Did he

think I was eatin' it or somethin"? Comrade Krasilnikov had a job with that

club, he did. They asked for five years' credit for a new club, but I don't

know what became of it. They didn't allow the credit. Then, in the spring,

Comrade Krasilnikov bought a new chair for the stage, a good soft'n."

With his whole body close to the watchman's, Ippolit Matveyevich

listened. He was only half conscious, as the watchman, cackling with

laughter, told how he had once clambered on to the chair to put in a new

bulb and missed his footing.

"I slipped off the chair and the coverin' was torn off. So I look round

and see bits of glass and beads on a string come pouring out."

"Beads?" repeated Ippolit Matveyevich.

"Beads!" hooted the old man with delight. "And I look, soldier boy, and

there are all sorts of little boxes. I didn't touch 'em. I went straight to

Comrade Krasilnikov and reported it. And that's what I told the committee

afterwards. I didn't touch the boxes, I didn't. And a good thing I didn't,

soldier boy. Because jewellery was found in 'em, hidden by the bourgeois. .

. ."

"Where are the jewels?" cried the marshal.

"Where, where?" the watchman imitated him. "Here they are, soldier boy,

use your imagination! Here they are."

"Where?"

"Here they are!" cried the ruddy-faced old man, enjoying the effect.

"Wipe your eyes. The club was built with them, soldier boy. You see? It's

the club. Central heating, draughts with timing-clocks, a buffet, theatre;

you aren't allowed inside in your galoshes."

Ippolit Matveyevich stiffened and, without moving, ran his eyes over

the ledges.

So that was where it was. Madame Petukhov's treasure. There. All of it.

A hundred and fifty thousand roubles, zero zero kopeks, as Ostap Suleiman

Bertha Maria Bender used to say.

The jewels had turned into a solid frontage of glass and ferroconcrete

floors. Cool gymnasiums had been made from the pearls. The diamond diadem

had become a theatre-auditorium with a revolving stage; the ruby pendants

had grown into chandeliers; the serpent bracelets had been transformed into

a beautiful library, and the clasp had metamorphosed into a creche, a glider

workshop, a chess and billiards room.

The treasures remained; it had been preserved and had even grown. It

could be touched with the hand, though not taken away. It had gone into the

service of new people. Ippolit Matveyevich felt the granite facing. The

coldness of the stone penetrated deep into his heart.

And he gave a cry.

It was an insane, impassioned wild cry-the cry of a vixen shot through

the body-it flew into the centre of the square, streaked under the bridge,

and, rebuffed everywhere by the sounds of the waking city, began fading and

died away in a moment. A marvellous autumn morning slipped from the wet

roof-tops into the Moscow streets. The city set off on its daily routine.

Table of Contents

Translated from the Russian

INTRODUCTION

Part I THE LION OF STARGOROD

CHAPTER ONE BEZENCHUK AND THE NYMPHS

CHAPTER TWO MADAME PETUKHOV'S DEMISE

CHAPTER THREE THE PARABLE OF THE SINNER

CHAPTER FOUR THE MUSE OF TRAVEL

CHAPTER FIVE THE SMOOTH OPERATOR

CHAPTER SIX A DIAMOND HAZE

CHAPTER SEVEN TRACES OF THE TITANIC

CHAPTER EIGHT THE BASHFUL CHISELLER

CHAPTER NINE WHERE ARE YOUR CURLS?

CHAPTER TEN THE MECHANIC, THE PARROT, AND THE FORTUNE-TELLER

CHAPTER ELEVEN THE MIRROR-OF-LIFE INDEX

CHAPTER TWELVE A PASSIONATE WOMAN IS A POET'S DREAM

CHAPTER THIRTEEN BREATHE DEEPER: YOU'RE EXCITED!

CHAPTER FOURTEEN THE ALLIANCE OF THE SWORD AND PLOUGHSHARE

PART II IN MOSCOW

CHAPTER FIFTEEN A SEA OF CHAIRS

CHAPTER SIXTEEN THE BROTHER BERTHOLD SCHWARTZ HOSTEL

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN HAVE RESPECT FOR MATTRESSES, CITIZENS!

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN THE FURNITURE MUSEUM

CHAPTER NINETEEN VOTING THE EUROPEAN WAY

CHAPTER TWENTY FROM SEVILLE TO GRANADA

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE PUNISHMENT

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO ELLOCHKA THE CANNIBAL

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE ABSALOM VLADIMIROVICH IZNURENKOV

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR THE AUTOMOBILE CLUB

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE CONVERSATION WITH A NAKED ENGINEER

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX TWO VISITS

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN THE MARVELLOUS PRISON BASKET

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT THE HEN AND THE PACIFIC ROOSTER

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE THE AUTHOR OF THE "GAVRILIAD"

CHAPTER THIRTY IN THE COLUMBUS THEATRE

PART III MADAME PETUKHOV'S TREASURE

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE A MAGIC NIGHT ON THE VOLGA

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO A SHADY COUPLE

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE EXPULSION FROM PARADISE

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR THE INTERPLANETARY CHESS TOURNAMENT

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE ET ALIA

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX A VIEW OF THE MALACHITE PUDDLE

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN THE GREEN CAPE

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT UP IN THE CLOUDS

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE THE EARTHQUAKE

CHAPTER FORTY THE TREASURE