Tim Allen - Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man

It's what you're after, stupid.

Looking back at some of the women I was simply close friends with, I realize that those relationships probably brought out the best in me. I could be myself. I got in touch. with my sensitive nature. I experienced sympathetic bloating. I also wish I'd taken a shot at changing things. I can't help it. I'm a guy.

Women really like it when you're a man, though. It's tough to have a woman go for you if you don't show some generalized masculine traits. Assertiveness, decision‑making, protectiveness, nurturing. A man has to give a woman the impression that he might stand up for her and take care of her. "Might" is the operative word. Women are very big on the idea of hope. I actually stood in front of my wife during a bar fight once. I responded so quickly that I didn't even think about it first. Believe me. The surprise result was that I made her feel secure and important, which in turn made her want me. And her wanting me made me feel important and secure. It also made me want me. That's where it got a little confusing.

And now you're expecting me to tell you what women want? Haven't you been listening? I don't have the first clue.

Some women will try to adopt traits they think a guy will like. They'll learn to talk about football and cars, the best beef jerky, and patio barbecues. This works, because if she's persistent enough (and cute enough), the guys will accept her-which is good. Then they'll forget about her because she blends in so well-not so good. If a woman is really good at being a guy, then chances are they won't even notice her because real life is rarely like in the movies when the tomboy takes off her grease‑stained mechanic's jumpsuit, lets down her hair, puts on a minidress and some provocative underwear from the Victoria's Secret catalog, and stuns the leader of the pack into settling down with her so that they can crush beer cans against their foreheads together until death do they part.

The guys will call girls like that Charlie or Sam or Mike.

I should have known that it was time for a new approach when the girls started calling me Tammy.

There is an upside, however, to being a gal pal. You can learn some of their secrets. As stupid as they may sound at the time, they hold the key to, well. . something.

Here's a good one: Women are just looking for a guy who will be nice to them.

Wow! There's some information.

The thing is it's true. Knowledge like this can help lower a man's handicap. And we need all the edge we can get.

- -

While we're trying so hard to understand women, it would help if they exerted a little effort on our behalf. This might come in handy when they need our undivided attention-which seems to be most of the time.

Women. Grab your pencils. This one's for you.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise. Once you're past the initial "What the hell are you doing?" or the more subtle "You make a better door than a window," he'll start to break down.

"C'mon, honey. Really, honey. Honey!" A real man will just sit there and wait for you to step aside. If you don't, eventually, he'll say, "What? All right, what? I'm sitting here, okay? Okay, I'm listening!"

You will no doubt increase your odds if you're showing some leg, and you'd better know the guy pretty well before you do this. Otherwise there are questions to answer first, like "Who the hell are you and how did you get into my house?" In this case, it's possible a handgun could come into play.

Another way to get his attention is to fool around with his stereo equipment. Or mess around with his car. Adjusting the timing chain is a good one. If he has a tool pegboard, remove one particular tool and hide it somewhere special. And believe me, within a day he'll notice that it's gone and come right to you. Do be prepared, though. He will be cranky.

More attention getters: scratch the paint on his car, throw out his favorite old sweatshirt, or punch him in the stomach when he's not looking. His expression alone will be priceless.

And when you finally get him to look you in the eye, you might even be able to get the guy to talk about his feelings.

"Honey, I'd feel really great if you'd move out of the way. I can't see the television."

- -

Innocent flirting is a way of expressing desire without actually doing anything about it. As such, it is one of our most genteel sports, not to mention low in fat and easily digestible. I know this because when I was young I was a pretty accomplished flirt. I figured that flirting was about as far as I was going to get, anyway, since I had such a horrible complexion. Even if you're ugly, you can be a good flirt. And flirting is safe because it is impossible to pin down. It's noncommittal. No one can ever be positively sure it's taking place.

"I don't know. I think she was flirting. Yeah, that was definitely flirting. I mean, I think it was."

One thing to remember: There's a big difference between flirting and actually hitting on someone. Flirting is like dancing around the subject. Hitting is like stepping on its toes. In other words, you're hitting on a woman until she flirts back. Flirting has to go two ways. A woman has to realize what you're doing and give you the raised eyebrow and welcoming smile. To have successfully flirted means you haven't annoyed anybody.

One of my most memorable flirting experiences happened at a party. It was beautiful. She had on a headset from one of those kids' toys like My First Sony. I had one on, too. (No, I'm not explaining why.) I'd known her for a long time and, frankly, we'd never acted as if we'd found the other remotely attractive. But within the privacy of the headset, it was suddenly fun to toy with the untapped energy between us. Besides, she started it. She was doing a little dance an inch from my fingertips. And then she started saying very provocative stuff into the microphone, for my ears only. "Oh, I think you're cute." "That's a great shirt." "I wonder what you'd look like naked?"

Bingo!

If I'd gone, "Meet me outside and I'll show you," I'd have crossed the line. Instead, I suggested we could make out behind the heavy living‑room drapes. No, no! Great flirtmeister that I am, I was embarrassed. But I loved it. I'd had the thrill without the consequences.

It was like Chinese food, but without MSG.

- -

If he opposite of being bold is being in love but saying nothing at all. This is not to be confused with being too cool for your own good.

Silence has its complications. When I was in college, all I did was daydream about women. I fell in love from a distance more times than I can remember. It's easy. Plus you can attach all sorts of personal qualities to the woman without ever being disappointed.

"She's got a brilliant future in high finance. She'll get a second degree in entertainment law. She says I'll never have to work. She's beautiful even in the morning. And she longs to obey my every command forever." Sounds like my kinda gal.

Then one day you bump into her at the cafeteria and she has a voice like that Cola-Nut guy, and the energy of Steven Wright. Kind of ruins everything.

It seemed at that point in my life everything I did was to get a woman's affection. I wanted to have more money so women would like me. I wanted to look better, so women would like me. I wanted a Labrador retriever because I knew one woman who liked Labradors. I took a class because I saw a beautiful coed sign up for it. I'm not a stalker, but I understand what it's like not to have time for myself because fm so focused on a loved one-even though she's never heard of me. Okay, it's nothing like the mindset of a stalker, only the strategy.

I fell so hard for one woman in college that I decided to follow her home. Just to, uh. . make sure what dorm she was in. All that year I watched her. I wandered by her building, just hoping to catch one look. I knew her class schedule. I knew where she worked. The whole time I followed her my body was filled with a wonderful anxiety. But it wasn't enough. I was also trying to figure out a way to casually meet her, which meant that eventually I would have to step in front of her and say hello.