Tim Allen: Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man

Plus I had a few uninterrupted years with no responsibilities, to work on my material. Nothing like a glass that's half full.

Coming from my perspective, I can now with some authority discuss the Wonderful World of Guys. Because I've been with men for a long time, I now have a clear appreciation of their strengths and their weaknesses. And their real motivations.

1. GUYS HANGING OUT WITH OLDER GUYS

Being with older guys is potentially hurtful because, when they get bored, you're it. They pick on the younger kids who decided to hang with them.

On the other hand, you learn things. "So that's how you open a beer bottle with your teeth." "Wow, cigarettes really burn your hands when you do that?"

Older guys are always a step ahead.

They can also run fast and ditch you quickly, leaving you alone in an odd and unsavory neighborhood with no protection.

When you're finally older, the line between you and guys still older becomes blurred. Now you can golf with your dad. Now you can both appreciate the lady bartender at the nineteenth tee. And you can also, finally, say to him: "Oh, so that's how you open a beer bottle with your teeth."

2. GUYS HANGING OUT WITH YOUNGER GUYS

This is when you're saying, "I don't want him with us." And "He'll eat ants if we ask him to. He'll just eat ants because we'll make him." You don't often want young kids around because they're stupid. Plus you gotta watch them. "Great. . Now where'd Billy go?"

When you're a guy it's tough being the designated mom. And, of course, the suede pumps make it hard to balance.

3. GUYS WITH GIRLS

Gotta be careful here. When the girl is younger, you're almost thrust into a nurturing role. Nothing else goes on except deflecting the occasional crush.

With older girls-forget about it. There's something sexy about it even when you're my age. As we well know, my first love wasn't my age. She was hanging mistletoe.

Younger girls have to be home on time. Older girls have homes of their own. Younger girls shouldn't even be out of the house. I think my parents kept my younger sister indoors until she was eighteen-or was that the cat?

I don't even remember the young girls out on the block, just the older girls. We'd always line up and watch them jump on the trampoline. I'm still excited by jean cutoffs. And any woman who can do a somersault.

4. GUYS WITH OTHER GUYS' GIRLFRIENDS

Without even trying, other guys are nicer to your girlfriend than you are. Even if they're not really after her, she'll find it easy to lean on their shoulders, ask what they're thinking and how she can get her concerns through to you.

"Here, sit in my lap," the other guy will say. "Let's talk about it." Or "Wouldn't you be more comfortable lying down?"

The longer the other guy's known you, the more he knows about the weaknesses in your relationship. Then he just fills in: "Oh, he doesn't ever listen to you, does he? How's your job going?"

"He never compliments you, does he? I think you look great in that red dress."

It's a sleazy arrangement, but they're in a very good position, especially if you and your girlfriend fight a lot. Next thing you know, he'll be saying, "Whoa, I'd never say that."

If you think you can trust the other guy, you probably can't. If you think you can't trust him, you're probably right.

I've been accused of this, but I swear I've never done it.

There was a perfectly good reason why she was in her bra and me only wearing a cowboy hat. You people. Always so quick to jump!

5. GUYS WITH OTHER GUYS' PARENTS

Usually, every guy is a nice guy with other guys' parents. I mean you gotta know the folks pretty well before you start insulting them. It took me quite a few years, but pretty soon I was telling my friends' folks to go straight to hell.

I remember I once went to this guy's house. They had a bar in the days when a bar was the proud focal point of any home. This kid wore lime‑green pants with little duck patterns. In other words, he was a bad caricature of his dad. He'd stand at the bar just like his dad-and say, "Grab your weapons, pick your poison."

This is one thing you've got to be careful of. Hang out with other guys' parents long enough and you turn into them. Look for the signs. It happens to their children. It can happen to you.

Lots of times we never saw other guys' dads. They came in late; they didn't speak. We knew something was going on, but we didn't know what.

There were also the other guys' parents that your parents didn't like because you went away with them and their kids on weekends and your parents knew they were giving you liquor. These parents were a little too friendly with the kids. They'd take you up to the cabin. They didn't expect thank‑you notes, and it never seemed like you were imposing. They didn't play parent with you. So you ended up liking them. Another example is the guy whose dad had the kickass stereo or cool car collection. Everybody liked him. It really screwed up your contempt for adults when you found that some other guy's father was actually a great guy.

Of course, this made your parents pale by comparison.

"Wow. Joey's house is so cool. He has a color TV. His mom lets us eat on TV trays."

That was a big deal in our house, to be able to eat on TV trays. However, there were six of us, and my parents correctly feared that we'd make a mess. A big mess.

6. GUYS AT WORK

Because we live in the modern age, women now have choices that are just killing them.

They can have a job, not have a job. They can be married or unmarried, married with children, unmarried with children, married with children and a job, unmarried with children and a job, unmarried with children no job, unmarried with children who themselves have jobs, have a job and an au pair who has children, marry the au pair, have the au pair have their children, etc.

Men, unfortunately, have the same choice we've always had: we can work or we can go to jail.

7. GUYS WITH THEIR IN‑LAWS

In‑laws are fake parents. The hardest thing is getting used to calling some strange woman and man Mom and Dad. You pretend to be comfortable with it, but you never are. They know it, but they pretend they don't.

So many games.

Okay, I do it, but in a faux way. I know they don't take it as seriously as when my wife goes, "Mom! Dad!" In fact, since they're my in‑laws, I don't even have to talk with them. This is a parent to whom I can actually say, "No!" without getting grounded. As in:

"You put mint jelly on what? No way."

"Nope. Don't really like opera."

I've never stopped to wonder what it would have been like if my in‑laws had been my real parents. They only had girls, and that just wouldn't do. Every once in a while I kid them about needing a boy around. They're so anti burping and farting and hawking. When my wife and I spend the night at their home, the same thing always happens. I get up in the morning and clear my throat, and heads pop out of doorways along the entire hall, as if I'd just strangled their dog. The last time I saw the dog it was fine. Matter of fact, it was morning and it had just popped its head out of the doorway and was staring at me as if I had just strangled the family.

8. GUYS AT PARTIES

This is where you see the little boy come out.

Guys can be uncomfortable around guys they don't know, and parties bring out this troublesome quality most. This is why men are more likely to get liquored‑up in strange social situations. At every party you'll see a disheveled group, with crooked ties, swilling brown liquor in a corner, talking sports, bonding.