Tim Allen - Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man

If you're a guy alone at a party, just wandering around can be dangerous. It's no problem for a woman to accidentally brush a guy's hand-or any woman's-but let a guy touch another guy by mistake and there needs to be an awful lot of explaining before anybody believes it's the truth. You're embarrassed for a day and a half. Better to just ignore it, go join the guys in the corner, and get liquored up. A guy touched me once at a party and ended up apologizing three or four times.

"I didn't mean to do that, you know."

"I didn't think so."

"I mean I really didn't. If I'd known your hand was there I wouldn't have put it there."

"I know."

"I mean I didn't mean to touch your hand."

Unfortunately, there's too much pushing and shoving, especially at the good parties, to avoid the occasional questionable contact.

So if you're working your way through a crowded party and you feel a hand on your ass, you'd better hope it's a woman.

9. GUYS WITH THEIR BEST FRIENDS

This is a truly remarkable thing about men. If a guy is your best friend, in a way he's exactly what you're looking for in a wife. He'd be the ideal woman.

Now don't get me wrong.

The desirable qualities are loyalty and longevity. My best friends, most of whom I've known since grade school, have elected to stick with me through successes and failures. It's the history that makes our relationships exciting. It's the same thing when you've been with a woman for a long time.

Best friendship can also be a confusing issue, because it complicates introductions.

"This is my best friend, John. ." and then you say to yourself, "Well, not my best friend. Actually, that's Pete. But I haven't seen Pete. ."

The best friend is the coolest guy you're with at that moment, okay? Your best friends are the guys who give you respect-which is what all men want.

But none of them can do what my wife does to me in the bath tub.

THINGS MEN NEVER WANT TO HEAR

No!

I'm afraid it's not the starter.

Is it in?

Gee, I've never seen one quite that misshapen.

Tim, the school called.

What's this letter from the IRS?

Another guy saying, "Where is this relationship going?"

I thought you had money.

I thought you were going to pay.

From your doctor: That had to hurt.

From the masseuse: Whoops! How long has that been there.

I meant really sleep together.

What do women want?

A good question when Sigmund Freud first posed it, a good question now, and probably a good question a thousand years from now when aliens have overrun the earth and they're trying to figure out the answer.

To discover what women want, we first need to thoroughly understand them. Comprehending women's habits, needs, desires, and the difference between a dress and a skirt is really the key to a man's peace of mind and better relations for all. Easy, right?

Here's what I know for sure: Women are not the opposite sex, they're a whole other species. And that's it. Short chapter. Goodnight, folks. Try the veal. I'm here all week.

Okay, let's not give up so easily.

Unfortunately, as you know from reading this far, women are pretty much a mystery to me, which at least makes my obsession with them completely justifiable. Just the sight of a pretty woman makes me want to make dinner reservations. I may be a guy's guy, but I can't take a man on a date and get away with it. But because I often talk about women as if I know what I'm talking about, I'm occasionally asked by complete strangers what a man should look for in a gal.

The answer is easy: breath.

She should be alive. Right away you'll be ahead of the game, and once you've established the presence of her vital signs, you can take your time looking deeper into the abyss.

Trust me, it's an abyss.

But don't take too long. Women hate to be kept waiting.

- -

Before you understand women other than your mom or sisters-and remember, to other guys they're women, too-you've got to meet them. If you're a guy on the go, the women you want to meet are usually the ones you want to date. Okay, have sex with. These are the hardest women to understand, and they don't try to make it any easier, even though they want to meet and understand you-well maybe not you, bonehead-as badly as you want to meet and understand them. Wouldn't it be great if you could just be honest with a woman you find attractive and say, "Hi. I'm Bob. You're very attractive. Want to go home and rut like weasels?"

Unfortunately, this approach hasn't worked in the general population since the late sixties. Also, your name has to be Bob.

You've got to look for a woman who wants to meet you . But how will you know? The way to tell is to study your courting cues. These all‑important signals are the only way you can ascertain if the woman you're slavering at wants you to come over and talk, or if she wants you to douse yourself with lighter fluid and strike a match. While she sips on chablis.

The firstsign is usually eye contact. Make sure, however, that she isn't looking at the guy behind you. Make sure you're not looking at the guy behind you. Other signals are the hair toss, the lip lick, the earlobe pull, and the hand on your leg. If a strange but attractive woman suddenly starts undressing in front of you while licking her lips, tossing her hair, pulling her earlobe, and touching your leg, it's a pretty safe bet she's interested in you, or working her way through school.

These are not female courting cues: when she's sucking on her own elbow, scratching anyplace, or adjusting her underpants.

I learned almost everything I know about women by being friends with them. When I was younger, I also got their moms to like me, which didn't work out so well since none of the moms really turned me on. I also took feminist courses. I'd always stick up for a woman's point of view.

My wife once invited me, quite by accident, to hang out with her and her girlfriends one night when they all went out and got crazy. I guess I just looked forlorn at the prospect of another night of beer and TV sports. She said, "Tim, why don't you go with us?"

About four hours into dinner, the girls got comfortable with me around. They dropped their "he's a man" shield and realized I was just another person. Just like them, only with chest hair. I was actually interested in what they were saying. I wasn't trying to dominate the conversation like a man. I was also outnumbered-so I was very quiet. I said things like, "God, that's horrible," and "I understand how you feel," and "He's a putz. Dump him." I crossed my legs and kept my skirt tight around my knees. "Really? Interesting. I can't believe it. Well, why would he say that?" Once I started doing that honestly, they accepted me. I was part of the girls' group. I was giggling. When they went to the bathroom, I wanted to go with them.

Of course, the big question is did any of this (before marriage) help me "get some"?

Nope. Even though it's ultimately the best basis for a relationship, if you're willing to be a friend, it's always tough to convert the situation into something more romantic later.

"I don't want to ruin our friendship," a woman will say, meaning either she has never really found you attractive or that you never ignored her enough for her to build up such an intense insecurity over wondering why that she had to fall in love with you to find out. Along with "You're just like a brother to me," and "Gee, that's terribly misshapen," the friendship excuse is among the most painful sentences a man can hear.

You can respond: "We'll always be friends. Trust me." Then dive in for a kiss anyway. But she knows better. Once you're cast as a friend, women have many ways of making a guy feel like slime for even considering defiling that chaste closeness for a little sex. After all, compared to true and lasting friendship, what is sex?