Dave Barry: Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home

There are some names new parents should avoid altogether. You shouldn’t name a boy “Cyril” or “Percy,” because the other boys will want to punch him repeatedly in the mouth, and I can’t say as I blame them. And you shouldn’t give a girl’s name a cute spelling, such as “Cyndi,” because no matter how many postgraduate degrees she gets she will never advance any further than clerk-typist.

In recent years, it has become fashionable to give children extremely British-sounding names, such as “Jessica.” I think this is an excellent idea. Despite the fact that Great Britain has been unable to produce a car that can be driven all the way across a shopping mall parking lot without major engine failure, Americans think that anything British is really terrific. So I recommend you give your baby the most British name you can think up, such as “Queen Elizabeth” or “Big Ben” or “Crumpet Scone-Hayes.”

The hospital stay is a good time for you, as new parents, to share some quiet moments together listening to the woman on the other side of the curtain discuss her bowel movements with her mother via telephone. This is also a time for you to marvel at your baby’s incredibly small feet and hands and to reflect on the fact that this is a real human life, a life that you have created, just the two of you; a tiny, helpless life that you are completely responsible for. Makes you want to hop right on a plane for the Azores, doesn’t it? I mean, what do the two of you know about being responsible for a human life? The two of you can’t even consistently locate clean underwear, for God’s sake!

Mother Nature understands this. That is why she has constructed babies so that even the most profoundly incompetent person, even a person who takes astrology seriously and writes angry, semiliterate letters to the television station when it changes the time at which it broadcasts “Family Feud,” can raise babies successfully. All a newborn baby really needs is food, warmth, and love, pretty much like a hamster, only with fewer signs of intelligence.

So don’t worry; you’ll do fine. Some day, when your child has grown into a teenager and gotten drunk and crashed your new car into the lobby of the home for the aged during the annual Christmas party, you’ll look back on the hamster era and laugh about how worried you were.

In the next chapter, we’ll talk about how laughably easy it is to take care of a newborn baby, provided you don’t do anything else.

Finally will come the big day when the hospital authorities order the wife to leave, and the two of you take your new baby home. There is nothing quite like the moment when a young couple leaves the hospital, walking with that characteristic new-parent gait that indicates an obsessive fear of dropping the baby on its head. Finally! It’s just the three of you, on your own!

This independence will last until you get maybe eight feet from the hospital door, where you’ll be assaulted by grandmothers offering advice. The United States Constitution empowers grandmothers to stop any young person on the street with a baby and offer advice, and they take this responsibility very seriously. If they see your baby without a little woolen hat, they will advise you that your baby is too cold. If your baby has a hat, they will advise you that your baby is too warm. Always they will offer this advice in a tone of voice that makes it clear they do not expect your baby to survive the afternoon in the care of such incompetents as yourselves.

The best way to handle advice from random grandmothers is to tell them that you appreciate their concern, but that you feel it is your responsibility to make your own decisions about your child’s welfare. If that doesn’t work, try driving them off with sticks. Otherwise, they’ll follow you home and hang around under your windows.

Now let’s talk about maintaining your new baby.

This is the Basic Baby Mood Cycle, which all babies settle into once they get over being born:

MOOD ONE: Just about to cry

MOOD TWO: Crying

MOOD THREE: Just finished crying

Your major job is to keep your baby in Mood Three as much as possible. Here is the traditional way to do this. When the baby starts to cry, the two of you should pass it back and forth repeatedly and recite these words in unison: “Do you suppose he’s hungry? He can’t be hungry. He just ate. Maybe he needs to be burped. No, that’s not it. Maybe his diaper needs to be changed. No, it’s dry. What could be wrong? Do you think maybe he’s hungry?” And so on, until the baby can’t stand it any more and decides to go to sleep.

When your baby is awake and not crying, it will follow specific air molecules around the room with its eyes. For years, scientists thought the reason newborn babies waved their eyes around in such seemingly random ways was that they couldn’t really focus on anything, but we now know that, thanks to the fact that they have such small eyes, they can actually see molecules whooshing around, which is a much more interesting thing to watch than a bunch of parents and relatives waving stupid rattles in their faces.

Also, babies receive signals from outer space, bringing messages from other galaxies that only babies can detect. These messages cause the baby to smile (if the message is a joke) or look startled (if it is bad news, such as the explosion of a popular star).

During the day, you should feed your baby just before the phone rings. At night, you should feed your baby immediately after you have fallen asleep. After each feeding, you should pat your baby gently on the back until it pukes on your shoulder.

I’m surprised you even have to ask. All of us modern childbirth experts feel very strongly that you should breast-feed your child. There are two major reasons:

1. Your mother didn’t breast-feed, and as I pointed out in the chapter on childbirth, we now know that everything your mother did was wrong.

2. Breast-feeding is better for the baby. Much has been written on this subject, reams and reams of information in hundreds of excellent books and articles which I frankly have been unable to read because I would never get this book finished on time. But the basic idea, as I understand it, is that bottle milk is designed primarily for baby cows, whereas your baby is not a cow at all! It can’t even stand up! Am I getting too technical here?

Anyway, all your really smart, with-it trend-setters are into breast-feeding today. Go into any swank New York City night spot and you’ll see dozens of chic women such as Leona Helmsley breast-feeding, many of them with rented babies.

Like many new mothers, you may feel ashamed that you don’t just automatically know how to breast-feed. You know there must be more to it than just shoving the breast into the baby’s mouth, because otherwise people wouldn’t keep writing enormous books about it. But just what are you supposed to do? You look at pictures in National Geographic of women in some primitive South American jungle tribe, women who have never even seen Tupperware, casually breast-feeding their infants, and you think: “How come they know how to do it and I don’t? What’s wrong with me?”

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Those primitive women have undergone hours and hours of intensive breast-feeding instruction at special training centers funded by the United Nations, and only the top graduates are chosen to appear in National Geographic photographs. Yes, they have to be taught, too, so don’t be the least bit ashamed to ask a nurse for help. My wife finally had to ask a nurse, who came in and stuck her (my wife’s) breast into my son’s mouth. Without the nurse’s technical know-how, my wife might have stuck her breast into my son’s ear or something, and serious nutritional complications could have developed.