Ozzy Osbourne - Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m still “friends with benefits” with my ex-boyfriend, even though he now has a new girlfriend—the same girl he cheated on me with for almost a year and a half. Should I tell her what the hell has been going on, since he hasn’t had the balls to be honest?

If you’re looking for revenge, go ahead. But don’t kid yourself—it sounds to me like this is a play to get him back. You might also want to consider that if he’s cheated on you, and cheated on her, he’s probably screwing a few other people, too. I mean, the bloke doesn’t exactly sound like the faithful type. My advice would be to find a new guy and move on.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My girlfriend’s father—Russian, ex-military—likes to get me drunk on vodka then take me to his banya (sauna) where we strip naked and he whips me with birch leaves. Is this weird?

If some bird’s dad ever tried to get me naked and start whipping me with something—birch or otherwise—he’d get a punch on the fucking nose. Getting boozed up in a sauna ain’t a very clever idea, either… although I used to do it all the time at my old house in Staffordshire. I’d always take special precautions, mind you: before putting any water on the coals, I’d always top-off my lager with a splash of lemonade. A “lemonade top,” we used to call it. (Not the same thing as a shandy, which is half-and-half.) One other thing, Adam: generally speaking, any kind of physical activity in hot, steamy conditions is best avoided, unless you’re using the sauna to have a quickie with the nanny, which I once did, long ago. In that case, an exception can be made.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I wish my girlfriend were better endowed. Would it be rude to suggest a boob job? (I’d pay for it.)

The good thing about being Dr. Ozzy is that I sometimes get the opportunity to save lives. Stan, count yourself lucky, ’cos that’s what I’m about to do: under NO circumstances EVER bring this up with your girlfriend. If I made this suggestion to Sharon, believe me, the Osbourne crown jewels would end up halfway up my oesophagus. And to be honest I wouldn’t blame her. I mean, imagine if the situation was reversed, and your girlfriend asked you to get an enlargement of your own? How would that feel? If it’s really that important to you, dump the girl and find yourself a Page 3 model.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

What’s the best way to make a woman sleep with you?

I always had a great chat-line up for the women. After a night out, I’d say, “Can I come back to your house and watch your telly?” It was brilliant, ’cos it made it sound like all I wanted to do was catch up on the News at Ten , when in fact I was planning to get them into the sack. No-one ever fell for it, though. Most of the time they just went, “I ain’t got a telly.”

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

This might sound strange, but I’ve noticed that when I stare at my testicles for a long time, they seem to move by all themselves… is this normal? It’s freaking me out!

It’s normal. If they start moonwalking, you might have a problem… but they definitely move on their own, ’cos they’re surrounded by a layer of jelly and, as everyone knows who’s looked at a bowl of jelly before, it tends to wobble around a lot for no good reason. On a separate note: you might want to spend less time staring at your testicles.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

The skin on my penis has cracked due to (solo) over-use. Is this normal? If so, how can I make it heal?

It’s called friction. Rub the skin on your elbow ten times a day and you’ll have exactly the same problem. Give your Upstanding Citizen a break for a while, then invest in some lubrication.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve been contacted by a very friendly woman on the internet who tells me that “male enhancement” surgery—ie, phalloplasty—is risk-free and guaranteed to make me a hero in bed. Should I proceed?

No. Next question…

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m an uncircumcised 16 year old and can’t retract my foreskin. I’m stressing out about it, but can’t face going to a doctor (which would mean telling my parents). What can I do?

First of all, under no circumstances start messing around with it yourself. Second: I appreciate that it’s embarrassing, but the best thing to do is have a quiet word with your dad, or if you’ve got one, an older brother. Bear in mind that your old man probably changed a few of your nappies when you were little, so you ain’t showing him anything he hasn’t seen a million times already. The same goes for your doctor: believe me, people have far worse problems than a sticky foreskin (which has gotta be pretty common). Just pluck up the courage and get it over with, ’cos it’ll seem like nothing as soon it’s done.

♦ “Blue balls” is a real condition. It’s a kind of cramp that happens when you have a woody for a long time but never get to the fireworks ceremony. Another interesting fact: no female in medical history has ever accepted “blue balls” as a reason for a bonk.

♦ The average guy gets an average of five boners every night. If the average guy is anything like me, he also gets an average of zero shags.

♦ One ejaculation contains up to 400 million sperm. I’m guessing it was a woman who counted ’em, ’cos the bloke would have been fast asleep.

♦ With quick treatment, the survival rate for testicular cancer is about 95 percent. The trick is to check your balls regularly for lumps. Don’t do it during business meetings or at dentists’ appointments, though.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve heard that regular ejaculations are important to keep the prostate healthy as one gets older. As there is a history of prostate cancer in my family, would a regular “cleaning out of the system” be a good idea, purely from a health point of view? If so, how often?

You’re absolutely right, Andy. I recommend a vigorous spring cleaning once a day. It’s best done in private, but if you’re caught, mention the words “preventative medicine” and you’ll be fine.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I saw a yellow spongy froth come out of my 54-year-old boyfriend’s penis during ejaculation. He says it’s been three years since he had sex. Could it be “rusty pipes”? I’m a 38-year-old woman, and I’ve seen a lot—but I’ve never seen that before!

Listen, Haydee: If I had yellow spongy frothy shit coming out of my dick, I wouldn’t be writing to Dr. Ozzy—I’d be running to the fucking hospital! It’s a cause for alarm, don’t you think? It reminds me of when I was younger, and this school friend of mine started to piss sperm. You ain’t never seen anything like it. We were all looking at him, our jaws on the floor, going, “Is this what happens when you reach 13? Is that his life supply— gone ?” I’ve no idea what happened to that kid, but I hope he got it checked out. But back to your question: you could always get your boyfriend to knock a few out by himself, to see if the problem really is “rusty pipes,” but, personally, I’d be making a date with my local dick doctor—and not wasting any time about it, either.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Do men really suffer “shrinkage” in their private area after going swimming (especially in cold water)? If so, what sort of percentage reduction is normal—50 per cent? More?