Ambrose Bierce - Cobwebs from an Empty Skull

F.-Possibly; but in intellectual matters you must confess their taste is correct.

PH.-Why must I?

F.-They say so themselves.

PHILOSOPHER.-I have been thinking why a dolt is called a donkey.

FOOL.-I had thought philosophy concerned itself with a less personal class of questions; but why is it?

PH.-The essential quality of a dolt is stupidity.

F.-Mine ears are drunken!

PH.-The essential quality of an ass is asininity.

F.-Divine philosophy!

PH.-As commonly employed, "stupidity" and "asininity" are convertible terms.

F.-That I, unworthy, should have lived to see this day!

FOOL.-If I were a doctor-

DOCTOR.-I should endeavour to be a fool.

F.-You would fail; folly is not easily achieved.

D.-True; man is overworked.

F.-Let him take a pill.

D.-If he like. I would not.

F.-You are too frank: take a fool's advice.

D.-Thank thee for the nastier prescription.

FOOL.-I have a friend who-

DOCTOR.-Stands in great need of my assistance. Absence of excitement, gentle restraint, a hard bed, simple diet-that will straighten him out.

F.-I'll give thee sixpence to let me touch the hem of thy garment!

D.-What of your friend?

F.-He is a gentleman.

D.-Then he is dead!

F.-Just so: he is "straightened out"-he took your prescription.

D.-All but the "simple diet."

F.-He is himself the diet.

D.-How simple!

FOOL.-Believe you a man retains his intellect after decapitation?

DOCTOR.-It is possible that he acquires it?

F.-Much good it does him.

D.-Why not-as compensation? He is at some disadvantage in other respects.

F.-For example?

D.-He is in a false position.

FOOL.-What is the most satisfactory disease?

DOCTOR.-Paralysis of the thoracic duct.

F.-I am not familiar with it.

D.-It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct enables the patient to accept as many invitations to dinner as he can secure, without danger of spoiling his appetite.

F.-But how long does his appetite last?

D.-That depends. Always a trifle longer than he does.

F.-The portion that survives him-?

D.-Goes to swell the Mighty Gastric Passion which lurks darkly Outside, yawning to swallow up material creation!

F.-Pitch it a biscuit.

FOOL.-You attend a patient. He gets well. Good! How do you tell whether his recovery is because of your treatment or in spite of it?

DOCTOR.-I never do tell.

F.-I mean how do you know?

D.-I take the opinion of a person interested in the question: I ask a fool.

F.-How does the patient know?

D.-The fool asks me.

F.-Amiable instructor! How shall I reward thee?

D.-Eat a cucumber cut up in shilling claret.

DOCTOR.-The relation between a patient and his disease is the same as that which obtains between the two wooden weather-prophets of a Dutch clock. When the disease goes off, the patient goes on; when the disease goes on, the patient goes off.

FOOL.-A pauper conceit. Their relations, then, are not of the most cordial character.

D.-One's relations-except the poorer sort-seldom are.

F.-My tympanum is smitten with pleasant peltings of wisdom! I 'll lay you ten to one you cannot tell me the present condition of your last patient.

D.-Done!

F.-You have won the wager.

FOOL.-I once read the report of an actual conversation upon a scientific subject between a fool and a physician.

DOCTOR.-Indeed! That sort of conversation commonly takes place between fools only.

F.-The reporter had chosen to confound orthography: he spelt fool "phool," and physician "fysician." What the fool said was, therefore, preceded by "PH;" the remarks of the physician were indicated by the letter "F."

D.-This must have been very confusing.

F.-It was. But no one discovered that any liberties had been taken with orthography.

D.-You tumour!

FOOL.-Suppose you had amongst your menials an ailing oyster?

DOCTOR.-Oysters do not ail.

F.-I have heard that the pearl is the result of a disease.

D.-Whether a functional derangement producing a valuable gem can be properly termed, or treated as, a disease, is open to honest doubt.

F.-Then in the case supposed you would not favour excision of the abnormal part?

D.-Yes; I would remove the oyster.

F.-But if the pearl were growing very rapidly this operation would not be immediately advisable.

D.-That would depend upon the symptomatic diagnosis.

F.-Beast! Give me air!

DOCTOR.-I have been thinking-

FOOL.-(Liar!)

D.-That you "come out" rather well for a fool. Can it be that I have been entertaining an angel unawares?

F.-Dismiss the apprehension: I am as great a fool as yourself. But there is a way by which in future you may resolve a similar doubt.

D.-Explain.

F.-Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, he will not resent it.

SOLDIER ( reading from "Napier" ).-"Who would not rather be buried by an army upon the field of battle than by a sexton in a church-yard!"

FOOL.-I give it up.

S.-I am not aware that any one has asked you for an opinion.

F.-I am not aware that I have given one: there is a happiness yet in store for you.

S.-I will revel in anticipation.

F.-You must revel somehow; without revelry there would be no soldiering.

S.-Idiot.

F.-I beg your pardon: I had thought your profession had at least taught you to call people by their proper titles. In the service of mankind I hold the rank of Fool.

S.-What, ho! without there! Let the trumpets sound!

F.-I beg you will not.

S.-True; you beg: I will not.

F.-But why rob when stealing is more honourable?

S.-Consider the competition.

FOOL.-Sir Cut-throat, how many orphans have you made to-day?

SOLDIER.-The devil an orphan! Have you a family?

F.-Put up your iron; I am the last of my race.

S.-How? No more fools?

F.-Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars.

S.-And why, pray, have you not enlisted?

F.-I should be no fool if I knew.

FOOL.-You are somewhat indebted to me.

SOLDIER.-I do not acknowledge your claim. Let us submit the matter to arbitration.

F.-The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your own side.

S.-You allude to my sword, the most impartial of weapons: it cuts both ways.

F.-And each way is peculiarly objectionable to your opponent.

S.-But for what am I indebted to you?

F.-For existence: the prevalence of me has made you possible.

S.-The benefit is not conspicuous; were it not for your quarrels, I should enjoy a quantity of elegant leisure.

F.-As a clodhopper.

S.-I should at least hop my clods in a humble and Christian spirit; and if some other fellow did did not so hop his-! I say no more.

F.-You have said enough; there would be war.

SOLDIER.-Why wear a cap and bells?

FOOL.-I hasten to crave pardon, and if spared will at once exchange them.

S.-For what?

F.-A helmet and feather.

S.-G "hang a calf-skin on those recreant limbs."

F.-'T is only wisdom should be bound in calf.

S.-Why?

F.-Because wisdom is the veal of which folly is the matured beef.

S.-Then folly should be garbed in cow-skin?

F.-Aye, that it might the more speedily appear for what it is-the naked truth.