Lori Ostlund - After the Parade

As a teenager and then as an adult, Aaron had often felt deeply alone and discouraged, had even encouraged himself to feel worse by convincing himself that no one would miss him if he ceased to exist, but those feelings never moved toward the realm of action, for the thought of not existing terrified him. Still, he felt no anger toward people who did consider suicide — who considered it, attempted it, even committed it — which was not the way that people in Mortonville had responded to Matthew Evarold’s suicide. They said he had killed himself because he was selfish, but when Aaron thought about what selfish meant, what his dictionary said, “Seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others,” he could not reconcile these words— advantage and pleasure, which brought to mind a man grabbing some coveted prize, elbowing others out of the way and claiming the pleasure of it for himself — with the image of a man going into a barn, stepping up on a bucket, and hanging himself.

“Jim took his brother’s death very hard,” his mother told him one night after Jim Evarold had eaten his meatballs and Tater Tots and gone home to the wife who wished more than anything to be thin. “He felt he should have done something to help him.”

“Like what?” Aaron asked. He wondered how his mother knew this.

“Oh, I don’t know. Tried to make him happy I guess.”

“How?” he asked.

“Listen, Aaron,” she said. “You can’t make other people happy. It’s silly to try.”

“Why is it silly?” he asked.

“Because it is,” she said. “And because it will just make you feel like a failure.”

When his mother and Pastor Gronseth disappeared, people in Mortonville felt betrayed, not just by their pastor, to whom they had confessed their problems, but by his mother as well. She knew things about them, secrets that she learned not because she pried but because while she poured coffee and took orders she overheard their stories of an uncle who had done something shameful or a child who had gone away and never come back. It made people feel vulnerable to think that two people who knew so much about them had left together, and this vulnerability translated into distrust, aimed at Aaron because he was the one left behind.

Throughout the following year, whenever he walked into Swenson’s Variety Store to pick up something for Mrs. Hagedorn, the cashier would stop speaking midsentence. “Why, hello, Aaron Englund,” she would call out in an artificially loud voice, and the aisles would fall silent. It was the same when he and Rudy went to pick up plumbing supplies at Bildt Hardware, except in this case it was Rudy shouting back to the men in the office, letting them know Aaron was with him because he feared they might be saying cruel things that a son should not hear about his mother. But the worst was going into the post office, where the postmistress, who stood hunched behind the counter in her blue sweater, announced shrilly, “Nothing for you, Aaron.” Though he pretended that he was there only to retrieve the Hagedorns’ mail, he felt sick with disappointment, which he hid with a smile because he knew that the postmistress reported on his mail, his lack of mail, to the rest of Mortonville. Everyone knew that his mother had not written to him.

At school, it was suggested by first one teacher and then another that he make weekly visits to Mr. Brisk, who came in Tuesday and Thursday afternoons because two afternoons a week was the most guidance the school could afford, perhaps the most it felt was needed. Aaron met with him twice, not because he wanted to but because the visits were already arranged. He had always been obedient about such things. They sat in Mr. Brisk’s office, which had originally been conceived as a ticket booth. It had one window, through which the exchange of money — admission to sporting events and school plays — had taken place. It was this office that Bernice would describe just months later on Christmas Eve, and he never let on that he could picture it all: the office’s smallness, the rickety chair on which one sat, knees jammed up against Mr. Brisk’s desk.

At the first meeting, Mr. Brisk asked Aaron in a general way about his mother, and Aaron said that running the café had made her tired, though she had never said such a thing, at least not the way he made it sound to Mr. Brisk, like she had fled out of sheer exhaustion. The second time they met, Mr. Brisk asked him how he felt about his mother running away with the pastor, but he did not know whether Mr. Brisk was putting emphasis on the running away part or the pastor part.

Aaron did not believe that his mother and Pastor Gronseth had run away because they were in love. He had sat with them all those nights in the café, listening to them talk while he did homework, and he knew that they had come together out of loneliness, both of them incapable of forging friendships with the people around them because these people were their customers. Pastor Gronseth’s customers, his congregants, came to him because they needed his reassurance about their children and marriages and jobs, believing that his reassurance meant something. They brought him maple syrup and freshly slaughtered chickens, but they came with their own needs in mind. What they did not want, could not bear, was to know any details of their pastor’s personal life in return.

Many nights, the two of them talked about forgiveness, which Pastor Gronseth said people were keen on, though his opinion was that forgiveness should be difficult to earn. Otherwise, people were too easy on themselves: they acted without considering the consequences, knowing that they could simply request forgiveness later. He likened it to declaring bankruptcy, which allowed you all the fun of spending while other people dealt with the fallout. He had once been that sort of man, he told Aaron’s mother, a man who left his first wife and their three children because he was tired of the way things were, bored, if you wanted to get right down to it. He had explained all about his past to the church board before he took the job in Mortonville. The three first children visited on holidays and sat in the front pew beside his second wife and their half brother, a loud boy whom none of them liked. Pastor Gronseth had been forgiven by everyone, but he was not sure that he had learned his lesson.

Aaron looked at the two filing cabinets against the wall of Mr. Brisk’s office, cabinets that contained notes on everyone in the school, and then he looked back at Mr. Brisk. “I think Pastor Gronseth needed a ride, and my mother had a car. Pastor Gronseth didn’t want to steal the car from his wife and son.”

After Pastor Gronseth left, there was nothing for the wife and son in Mortonville. They lived in the parsonage, which meant that with him gone, their right to occupy the house was also gone, and though the matter had been handled with delicacy, the church trustees had nonetheless been dispatched to the parsonage to clarify the matter. The wife and son continued to attend church, sitting in the front row each Sunday as pastors from nearby parishes stepped in to give the weekly sermon. All of this Aaron knew from Mrs. Hagedorn, who was Catholic but knew what the Lutherans were up to.

Aaron made a point to avoid the son at school as well as the part of town where the parsonage was located, but one day when he was out taking a walk, the wife and son pulled up beside him and the two of them stared at him through the closed car window. Finally, the wife said something to the son, who rolled down his window.

“Where did they go?” she called across her son to Aaron.

Aaron crouched beside the son’s window in order to see both of them. “I don’t know,” he said.