Sam Pink - The Self-Esteem Holocaust Comes Home

GRANDMOTHER: [pointing to cuts on her leg] What is this?

POLICE OFFICER: [still waving to princess] Those are cuts.

GRANDMOTHER: [nods, points to the ground] What is this?

POLICE OFFICER: That is the ground.

GRANDMOTHER: [pointing at police officer] What is this?

POLICE OFFICER: This is your friend.

The princess walks across the street to them and holds out a candybar. She pushes the melted candy bar out of the wrapper, bites it. They divide it three ways, one bite each, and they watch morning happen. The grandmother wipes the mud-trickle off with her hand again, then points at the princess.

GRANDMOTHER: [to the police officer] What’s this?

POLICE OFFICER: I don’t know.

A restaurant. Six a.m. Satan and Khhkr sit at a table. They’re tired-looking, him and her both. And just outside the window, a planter levels the wall. The planter is empty, except for dead roots and small gray leaves. And snow comes down lightly, and some hits their window.

SATAN: [looks from empty planter to Khhkr] The planter is empty. Nothing grows there now [moves face closer across table, smiles] What’s your favorite kind of jelly? I want to know things about you so I can recount them and act like we have a bond, even though it is only time that makes us similar.

KHHKR: My favorite kind of jelly is the kind that has your ground-up heart in it [makes kissy face — then concerned] I keep thinking I am about to laugh, but it will not happen for some reason. There is probably a huge laugh in my body somewhere all lost and confused. I feel pity for it.

Satan looks out the window. He stares, touching some hair on his face. The snow continues down with the same infrequency.

SATAN: Breathe out onto this window and see if you can find the laugh, and if the laugh is there, take it out and laugh it. That’s what I would do. And that’s what you should do.

Khhkr looks around the restaurant, extending her neck.

KHHKR: Maybe someone here stole the laugh then. Someone has to have it. Should we look for it?

SATAN: [still staring out window] I don’t want to get up let’s just sit here [long silence] Stop talking to me.

KHHKR: Ok. Tell me if eventually you are wanting to get up and help me look for it though [pause] A fire’s best friend is a big enough hole to hold it and make it look brighter and meaner. Do you get that? Do you see what I’m saying.

Satan nods. He drinks his water. Sees his empty glass and seems to panic but remains still. Remains still and slowly hides the glass behind the napkin holder to avoid alerting Khhkr. And puts his hands on the table. Amused.

SATAN: I would say that, apple jelly is my favorite. [hits both hands on tabletop hard] Apple.

Khhkr picks up her fork and touches the prongs to Satan’s face. He remains as amused, both hands still on the table top.

KHHKR: Oh yeah? That’s your favorite?

In the street directly outside, two construction workers are talking. The one laughs. The other continues to talk, placing a hand on the laughing man’s shoulder. They are close to each other and they are saying things, things that the other can respond to and add to and eventually walk away from, done. Satan watches them.

SATAN: I’m not listening to you. I’m watching the construction workers talk. For some reason right now I envy them.

Khhkr takes the fork away from his face. Then she crosses her legs and dumps a sugar packet out onto the table.

KHHKR: You’re so cute [moving sugar grains with two fingers] Every time you smile, I have to change my underwear.

She spreads the grains around and clicks her tongue a little. A child passes them, holding a plate.

CHILD: [stopping] The laughs are everywhere. You have to steal them. They don’t come to you. [he walks off]

SATAN: Sorry about not wanting to help you get your laughs back. They will come somehow [blowing the sugar onto her lap] Just don’t be mean. You smell so nice in the morning and your eyes are always just the right amount of puffy. Why be mean? Why ruin that?

The waitress comes. They both order.

WAITRESS: [raises eyebrows] Is that all?

Satan looks at his lap.

SATAN: That’s all.

The waitress collects the menus.

WAITRESS: Ruin as many lives as you can and be an artist about it [putting pen in front pocket] I’ll be right back.

She leaves. Through the window the sky is purple, and from the purple comes the snow — paced the same, slowly. They both watch, trying to trace flake paths but really just staring. And at one point they accidentally look at each other. When this happens Khhkr opts for staring at the table, and Satan stares out the window and sometimes at his lap.

SATAN: I think that each snowflake feels cheated no matter where it lands [clears throat] Or it should.

KHHKR: It should. And I love you. And we are snowflakes.

She touches Satan’s hand across the table. He puts his other hand over hers.

SATAN: At night your breath is my blanket [grabs glass] It is the only thing I still enjoy [takes small sip of melted ice] Do you still want me to cut your hair today?

KHHKR: Yes [pause] Yes I do. I want that.

SATAN: Would you like that?

Khhkr nods. Their meals come and they eat in silence. Stare the meal to completion. Satan keeps looking at the dead plants in the planter.

SATAN: The construction workers are gone.

KHHKR: They are at home in their closets, hanging from electrical cords.

Silence again. Khhkr opens more sugar packets, distracted. Some people get up and leave from a table nearby. Another family walks past, towards the open table. The entire family stops, and looks quietly at Khhkr and Satan. The entire family shakes their heads no. Then they take the open table and converse quietly with each other.

KHHKR: [flicking sugar, watching fingers] When I was walking home yesterday I walked across a parking lot and there was a children’s book in a puddle. It was this book where there’s a frog who learns about friendship by becoming friends with a fly named Chad. I learned how to treat you by reading the book. I just sat in the puddle and read the book and learned how to be your friend. I want to burn animals. Ok? Ok, good.

She leans over and tries to kiss Satan. Satan moves. Then stares out the window.

SATAN: Don’t touch me. I’m too happy to enjoy it [craning neck] Where did the construction workers go? You need to tell me.

KHHKR: I wasn’t going to kiss you, I was going to bite your face off and suck out the laugh you stole. You thief.

SATAN: I didn’t thieve anything [folds hands on table, assured] I think I want to be a construction worker.

KHHKR: [pouring out more sugar] I’m horny. I want you to fuck me a lot today. I mean, like you don’t even know me. Will you fuck me like a stranger?

SATAN: [nodding] Yes I will. You mean like holding you down and screaming louder when you start to say ‘ow’?

KHHKR: Yes, like that. Then we can sleep until the sun is gone [laughs]

They then take turns blowing and flicking sugar at each other. Snowflakes hit the window and melt. Full daylight. The construction workers return. They talk and point different directions down the roads. Their mouths are quiet, they are distanced. Muted.

SATAN: You’re pretty.

KHHKR: Blah blah.

SATAN: No you’re a pretty person.

He blows a hard breath and all the sugar goes onto Khhkr’s lap. Then he surveys the other customers. A hideous woman some tables down is bringing a bite of pancakes to her mouth. And the syrup falls onto her sweatshirt. She looks down at the syrup, her neck folding out. She looks at the syrup, chewing. And Satan watches.

SATAN: [playing with his straw] I want to ask the hideous woman if she thinks about how many people are embarrassed by her presence [lifting thumb from end of straw and letting water drop onto table in single drops] I want to ask her if she worries about being immortal. That is, if she were immortal, exactly as she is right now, would it be agonizing? Is she having a good time? Is she really excited and happy about eating pancakes? Is this fun for her?