Sam Pink - The Self-Esteem Holocaust Comes Home

She kisses him on the mouth. Then looks him in the eyes, still holding his face.

WOMAN: You will never be alone.

MAN: That is one of my worries.

WOMAN: [looking back at the mirror and putting deodorant on] Why do you have worries? I never have worries. I don’t. At all, ever. I don’t. What are you worried about right now?

MAN: Right now [putting toilet lid down and sitting on it] I am worried that I am a man exactly my age, exactly the same as myself, and that I am right here. The worry is that I am that person right now. Basically.

WOMAN: [putting deodorant on, shaking breasts, mocking] You will never be that alone.

MAN: [looking at his feet] Stop saying that. It can’t be true.

They continue what they’re doing. Everything is quiet for a few minutes. They leave the bathroom and enter the woman’s bedroom. The man turns on the ceilingfan light. On the wall it says, “I like you.”

WOMAN: What the fuck.

MAN: Yeah. I wrote “I like you” on the lightbulb. I had to use two markers. At first I was using one marker but it like, died halfway through. And I wanted the letters to be legible. I thought about doing x’s and o’s but I didn’t for some reason [seems to think for a second, then focuses again] I’m pretty satisfied with the results. I mean I didn’t really have anything else to do this afternoon. Plus I was worried about just saying it to you. “I like you” is a stupid thing to say to someone. That was another one of my worries. But I figured you knew. Please don’t hold it against me.

The blinds hit against the window and the woman is nervous, looking at random objects in the room.

WOMAN: The features of something are what make it unappealing.

The man and the woman watch the blinds hit against the window. She looks at the words, “I like you” on the wall and covers her mouth with her hand. Then she stands on the bed and licks the words off the lightbulb, pausing to let her burnt tongue recover from the painful searing.

WOMAN: [straining] Now I have made everything fine. There are sores on my tongue now. And I have made everything fine. If we both forget what happened, we won’t let it impact our actions anymore. I have always wanted to say that I have made everything fine.

The woman bites into her swollen tongue to itch the welts. Her tongue pops and leaks down her chin. The burst tongue runs down her chin and chest. She gags on some of it. She gets off the bed and looks out the window.

WOMAN: [looking through the waving blinds at the forest preserve in the distance] I used to ride my bike back there [craning her neck] Until I got molested by a man in a raincoat [laughing] I heard the police shot him last week because they thought he was reaching into his pants for a gun. I have no feelings about that. I mean it feels good that the man in the raincoat is dead. That makes me feel good. Like, I think about it and envision the dead body with the bleeding hole, and that feels good. But maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I should feel upset about the bleeding hole in his body. Everybody gets molested though. So it’s cool. I don’t hate him. Can you blame him? I’m good-looking.

MAN: I agree [he approaches her, puts hands on her shoulders] In many ways, I identify with this man in the raincoat. The man in the raincoat seems wonderful. He has good taste.

They laugh and high-five, turn back to the window. The man looks out the window at the dark patch of trees, his chin on her shoulder.

MAN: Maybe the man with the raincoat on was a great guy and just wanted to have sex with someone who didn’t want it back or couldn’t understand it. What did the man in the raincoat say while he was molesting you? Did he say anything? Or what?

WOMAN: Yes, he did.

MAN: What did he say?

WOMAN: He said, ‘I am wearing this raincoat because I am afraid of rain.’ [pause] Huh. He wasn’t that mean to me actually.

The woman’s cat runs up behind the man and bites his toes.

MAN: Fuck.

THE CAT: [looking up] Reer.

MAN: [looking down] You are the only living thing I like. You mean more to me than anything else. I can’t explain that to you [then slowly] unless you understand me right now.

THE CAT: Reer.

MAN: Yes and my heart is big enough to cover you and put you to sleep.

THE CAT: [looking to the side] Reer.

MAN: Don’t argue with me, we are in love and this is how it will be.

THE CAT: Reer [bites the man’s toe again then runs away]

MAN: [looks back at the woman] Our relationship — that is, mine and the cat’s — it needs some work. But I’m willing to try. I think we can resolve our differences [walks to the closet] wait, I forgot [reaching into backpack, hands the woman a present] Here you go. When I saw these I totally thought of you. I had to get them for you.

WOMAN: [opening present] I’m excited. Thank you for parting my absolute self-hatred with a meaningless object.

MAN: [laughs a little] I dare you to come back to life.

The woman continues to unwrap the paper. When she’s finished removing the paper, she opens the box, looks in. There is nothing inside. She sits on the bed and laughs. The man puts his shoes on to leave.

WOMAN: [staring out the window] I am impressed that you wake up and act like nothing is wrong with who you are. That you put on clothes and feed your body to keep it alive. In order to do what?

MAN: [balancing on one leg, putting on his shoe] I’m keeping myself alive to see the day you beg me to bleed in your mouth so you can stay alive. I am waiting. I set up expectations so I have something to look forward to. There is only waiting. And I will get what I want. And my hands will make it black. Everything is mine and you are going to beg me.

Sound of footsteps in the apartment above. Then quiet. The woman watches the man tie his shoes.

WOMAN: You are the master of treating people around you like they are worthless. And I want to learn everything you know. So please — be honest with me and tell me everything you know about treating people like they are worthless. I said please. Take note of that [wipes chin with bedsheet] Be my teacher. Be honest.

A car passes outside the window. Then another. Gone. A man wearing a raincoat stands from below the window and stares at the people in the apartment.

MAN: If we are being honest, sometimes I imagine that I am in a miniature fighter plane and I’m flying around your head dropping bombs on your face. I imagine it because I think actually doing it would be impossible. Or cost too much.

WOMAN: Is that why sometimes I wake up to you dropping little rolled up pieces of tinfoil on my face while making explosion sounds?

MAN: Yes. It is. I’m surprised it has taken this long for you to ask me about that. I am in love with a war that never ends, involving things that never die. And I love you more than anything. I hope the lightbulb explained it all.

They sit there thinking about when and how to make up an excuse to leave. They think about excuses then test them for potential weaknesses. They each know that every excuse to leave will be weak in some way.

WOMAN: You are quiet again.

MAN: If you turn around for a second, I’ll give you a surprise. Do you promise not to look?

womanturns around.

MAN: No. You have to say that you promise.

WOMAN: I promise not to turn around [long pause] I promise. Ok?

There is no response. She turns back around and sees the man lying on the ground, facedown.

WOMAN: Hey — hey are you ok?

He doesn’t move.

WOMAN: [louder] Are you ok?

Silence. The man slowly turns over.

MAN: [lifting his head] Yes. I’m fine. I just wanted to make you think something happened to me. I think that was enough. I think that’s enough yeah. I’m satisfied [sits on the bed with her] Everything is great.