Adrian Pearson - Cow Country

A concerned murmur went up around the room.

“…Hey Charlie, how’s the single life treating you…?”

I gave an unenthusiastic thumbs-up.

“…Enjoy it while you can, my friend! Anyway, Charlie has two ex-wives and a history of failed jobs and other half-starts and near-misses around the country. You see, Charlie has always been a lot of different things yet none of them entirely ….”

Here I could feel the concerned murmur of the crowd growing even louder around me.

“… But we have a lot of hope for him here. In fact, some of you may remember from his interview that Charlie’s family used to live in Cow Eye Junction. His grandfather plucked a suffragette from certain death in the Cow Eye River. And he likes beef stew with lots and lots of vegetables ! Charlie will be the third person in this position in less than two years, but we have every faith that he will overcome the daunting challenge and be a valuable long-term employee of our college. Welcome to Cow Eye, Charlie. And most importantly, welcome back …!”

I waved again and sat down. Instead of applause there was only the confused rumble of half-voices and whispers and fingers being pointed in my general direction.

“So…” Bessie whispered to me amid the rumble, “It sounds like you’re almost as divorced as I am….” And in her voice I sensed the slightest beginnings of an iceberg that was melting.

Dr. Felch checked his notes again and then continued:

“Okay, so those are our new faculty and staff for the upcoming academic year. Let’s have a round of applause for all of them…!”

Everyone applauded earnestly and I was thankful that my introduction to the faculty and staff of Cow Eye Community College was now behind me.

*

After his introductions Dr. Felch moved to the next item in his agenda, which happened to be updates and reminders for the upcoming semester.

“But before we get to our new initiatives on campus I first want to remind everyone of some longstanding policies and procedures that should be old information….” Dr. Felch stopped to take a deep breath, then said:

“…Please remember to turn off all lights when you leave a room for any length of time and to flush the toilet after every use. Don’t park in the handicapped stalls unless you are truly handicapped. Use black ink for all important documents. Don’t throw coins in the fountains. Don’t roller skate on the sidewalks. Try not to walk on the grass as it causes the individual blades to look uneven. Don’t feed the pelicans. If you want to pick any of the colorful flowers on campus, please submit a notarized request to your department chair by the first of the month. Don’t forget that in all spoken and written communication you will now be required to use gender-neutral language instead of the kind that has come down from our forefathers. Semi-colons should be used judiciously; passive tense should be avoided if at all possible. Never meet with a student alone in your office with the door closed, especially if she’s litigious. Never touch a co-worker in a way that makes her fidget from discomfort — but if you absolutely must , please make sure that you have her signed written consent first. When providing feedback to a student be constructive and positive and write neatly. Always be courteous to Timmy who works at the guard shack — after all, it’s not his fault you left your house late even though you have an important exam to give in exactly three minutes. Support your colleagues. Respect your peers. Always honor the diversity of your students. (This goes doubly for those that happen to be negroids.) Try to show empathy to people who may not drive the same car or truck as you do. Go to church on Sunday. Tip your waitress. Believe in America and the sanctity of her institutions — especially marriage. Pay taxes religiously. Love your wife — which is hard enough — but also, and this is key, folks: love your ex -wives. When completing evaluations of campus activities don’t forget to fill out both sides of the form. And most importantly….in everything you do here at the college always base your decision-making on hard, cold, objective data and don’t neglect to document your every action using statistics or other verifiable evidence. Remember, when it comes to our accreditors, any decision made without the benefit of numerical justification is a bad decision….and a thing that has no valid and measurable confirmation of its existence — no matter how beautiful that thing may be to observe or how heavy it might be to lift — is not really a thing at all….”

Dr. Felch paused and shook his head.

“Oh, and one more thing….and I’m surprised I still have to remind you all of this…. Out of respect and courtesy to your fellow employees at Cow Eye Community College, please do not leave any bloated scrotums in the faculty mailboxes to turn into a grisly mess over the weekend….”

Here I stared into the resulting silence. Dr. Felch was turning the pages of his notes and it gave me time to reflect upon my own personal goals, the benchmarks and objectives that would lead me into the upcoming semester and guide me through my first full year at the college: To find the moisture in all things. To love the unloved. To experience both day and night. And of course: To become something entirely .

“Any questions on this?” Dr. Felch asked.

“I have one….” A woman’s voice came from the side of the room. Gwendolyn Dupuis had stood up and was pointing a long finger at Dr. Felch. She did not look pleased. “You mentioned two things that don’t make a lot of sense to me….”

“Yes, Gwen? And what might that be?”

“Of course I agree with the bloated scrotum thing — that simply has to stop. But somewhere along the way you stated that if we want to pick flowers we need a notarized request that has to be submitted at the beginning of the month. Then later you mentioned that if a faculty member desires to cause a female co-worker to fidget he should get written permission first….”

“He or she ….”

“Right. He or she should get permission to make that co-worker fidget. So don’t you think it should be a requirement for that request to be notarized as well? I mean, where’s the consistency here? Or do you mean to imply that the picking of flowers is worthy of a higher standard of consent than the unsolicited touching of our female employees?”

“No, that’s not what I’m trying to say, Gwen. That’s not what I’m saying at all. But rather than delve into the details right now, let’s just say that we’ve had a lot of discussion about this in College Council. And we’ll also be organizing an upcoming professional development series for the new academic year, which will include at least one session devoted to the proper and ethical fondling of co-workers. I encourage you all to attend….”

Gwen sat down.

“So on to our next order of business….Some new initiatives on campus….”

As Dr. Felch listed the many changes on campus, I looked around the cafeteria to see that the majority of faculty and staff were listening diligently and dutifully. Like developmental math students on the first day of class. Or like a herd of languorous cattle waiting for the morning hay to be kicked off the truck.

“As you know,” Dr. Felch was now saying, “beginning this semester Cow Eye Community College will be a smoke-free campus. We’ve decided to go all-out with this, which means that there will be absolutely no smoking anywhere on the campus of Cow Eye Community College….”

At this, half the room erupted in wild cheers and clapping while the other half loudly booed and whistled. Dr. Felch waited for the tumult to subside, then continued: “….And as I mentioned a few minutes ago, we are pleased to introduce our new professional development series for the academic year. The first weekly session will be devoted to measuring the immediate outcomes of the lifelong learning that’s happening in your classroom. The next will be a primer on devising inspirational and galvanizing acronyms for the various academic phenomena around you. Other professional development opportunities will include: Content and Context: The Use of Spoken Language for Effective Classroom Communication ; and She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not: Do’s and Dont’s of Appropriate Workplace Interactions ; and then Putting your Finger Firmly on the Colon: Devising Evocative Titles and Subtitles to Professional Development Sessions. ”