Adrian Pearson - Cow Country

“We hear you!” somebody shouted from the back of the room. And a few people laughed.

Dr. Felch adjusted his reading glasses.

“Ok, then,” he said. “Let us begin….”

*

“First of all,” Dr. Felch said, “let me start by welcoming you all back to Cow Eye. Those of you who left for the summer, I hope you had a great respite and are ready to roll up your sleeves and get back to work. Those of you who stayed, I hope you folks didn’t choke too much on all that dust over the summer.”

A few light laughs went up around the room.

“But before going any further, there’s one important announcement I’ve been asked to make….”

Dr. Felch reached into his pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper. Holding it at arm’s length he let his glasses fall to the end of his nose as he read:

“…Will the owner of the lime green hybrid-electric vehicle with the highly individuated license plates please remove it from the handicapped stall where it is currently parked…?”

A murmur went up around the room; at the front table an embarrassed lecturer from the economics department stood up and made her way quickly outside.

“Thank you,” said Dr. Felch. And then: “Yet another triumph for the better angels of our nature, wouldn’t you say?”

Throughout the audience there was a sprinkle of laughter as well as some general eye-rolling directed at the economics department in particular and the study of economics as a whole.

“Okay,” Dr. Felch continued. “Now that that ’s done, I want to begin my welcoming address to you today with a message of unity. My dear friends and fellow citizens, I want to kick off this new academic year by reiterating the importance of what we all do — what each of you does — here at the college. Every single person at Cow Eye is vital to our organization and to the learning and success of our students. It doesn’t matter whether you are the humble president of the institution as I happen to be. Or the tenured faculty member teaching our students to be more logical like Gwen Dupuis does in her classes. Or whether you contribute to the world by inseminating cows using extracted bull semen — thank you very much, Rusty Stokes! Whatever your role may be — from the dean of student services to our fantastic staff in the financial aid office….to the hardworking folks who cut our lawns so that every blade of grass is the exact length as the one next to it — each of you is vital to our mission and you should be proud of the contribution that you make here at Cow Eye Community College. Please know that your work is valued and that it has an incredible impact on the learning and success of our students.” Here Dr. Felch flipped through his papers. “And as each of you should know by now, it is our mission that drives the workings of our institution. Let’s see a show of hands….how many of you have committed our college’s mission statement to memory?”

Dr. Felch waited for hands to go up, but only a few did. Among the raised hands, the hand of Rusty Stokes was not just the highest but the largest as well; proudly, he was affirming his absolute knowledge and mastery of Cow Eye’s institutional mission statement.

“Well, good for you!” Dr. Felch said. “Now for the rest of us, I want to do an exercise to remind everyone why we’re here. I’m going to read our mission statement and I want each of you to repeat after me. Please stand….”

Chairs scraped on the cafeteria floor as everyone stood up from their tables. Amid the commotion there were some ironic asides and mild laughter and creaking bones, and when enough of it had died down to be heard, Dr. Felch began to recite the mission statement of the college. In a somber voice he read each word ponderously and significantly. And as he did the crowd obediently repeated after him:

“The mission of Cow Eye Community College is….”

( The mission of Cow Eye Community College is!)

“…to provide a nurturing and time-tested education….”

( To provide a nurturing and time-tested education! )

“…grounded in American values and the proliferation of….”

( Grounded in American values and the proliferation of! )

“…the American Way….”

( The American Way! )

“…so that our students may become….”

( So that our students may become! )

“…mindful, God-fearing, tax-paying citizens….”

( Mindful, God-fearing, tax-paying citizens! )

“…of the United States of America.”

( Of the United States of America! )

“Thank you. You may be seated.”

Everybody sat back down at their tables, chairs scraping and sliding in reverse.

“Now as faculty and staff, please think about this mission statement in light of everything you do. This is no abstract declaration of intent without practical relevance — it is a living, breathing, perspiring document. Yes, it may have halitosis at times. But that’s because it is alive . So in your work ask yourself: How does the mission of Cow Eye Community College apply to what I do? In my botany classes how do I ensure that my students pay their taxes? As I teach my culinary students to bake French croissants, how do I make sure that they are baking their French croissants the American Way ? Math people — are there any math people here? Not yet? — math people….as you teach your remedial students to convert a fraction to a decimal always ask yourself this: how does it ensure that they will become God-fearing citizens of the United States of America?”

A smattering of applause rose up around the room; aside from this there was little reaction beyond respectful silence. Bessie nudged my arm:

“He’s losing control of the ship,” she whispered. “He’s a great man and I love him dearly. But he’s lost this ship….”

Undeterred, Dr. Felch continued:

“As you know, for some time now we have been on very thin ice with our accreditors. And so this year as part of our accreditation process we will be redoubling our efforts to demonstrate that we truly are committed to the success of our students. This will involve reviewing our mission statement and revising it as necessary, and each of you will be a part of that. So please think seriously about what you like within our current mission statement and what you don’t appreciate and would want to change. How can we make it better? More efficient? More effective ? What would make the statement more reflective of who we are as faculty and staff of Cow Eye Community College and of the learning that we want for our students….”

Dr. Felch looked up from his notes.

“Are there any questions about this?”

Rusty Stokes had stood up from his chair and was standing with a meaty thumb tucked under each of his suspender straps. Dr. Felch looked over at him.

“Yes, Rusty?”

“I do have a question.”

“Yes, Rusty?”

“Why?”

“Why what , Rusty?”

“Why should we change our mission statement? We spent a lot of time on the current one and I think it’s perfect enough as it is.”

“That’s a very valid point, Rusty. And I’m glad you raised it. Nobody’s saying we have to change the mission statement. But we do need to review it and update it as needed to reflect current realities. To make it more perfect , if you will. The last time we revised our mission statement was eleven long years ago. And do you know how much has changed since then? Compared to what our college was like eleven years ago?”

“Of course I do. I’ve been here longer than that.”

“Right. And so you’ll remember that eleven years ago we only had six tenured faculty on staff and all of them were from Cow Eye Junction. There was no concert hall or observatory or nature walk. There were no pelicans. Among our faculty members we could not point to a single negroid on campus — and that seemed perfectly fine with us. There was no such thing as the data analyst position — much less an institutional researcher — because Merna was still teaching math to freshmen. (Yes, we called them fresh men back then!) Our student enrollment was a quarter of what it is now and — can you believe it? — predominantly male ! Outside the college, the Ranch was thriving and the railroad still ran and steam power seemed like the wave of the future. Things were simpler and more inalienable back then. But it’s a different world now, Rusty, and Cow Eye needs to change with it. And we all need to be a part of that change. Including you ….”