Elvira Dones - Sworn Virgin

‘Can we go to the bookstore now?’

‘Tell me,’ Lila insists in a tone that leaves no room for maneuver, ‘what about bras? Have you ever used one?’

‘No.’

‘Do you have any idea of your size?’

‘No.’

‘But your breasts are small, right?’

‘So it seems.’

‘Does every little thing have to be such a problem? Soon Jonida’ll be back from school. We’ve been here all morning and look what we’ve got to show for it — a few pairs of panties and not much else.’ Lila opens the bags as if to prove her point.

‘My small breasts have helped me not to stoop.’

‘I get it.’

‘No, you don’t get a thing.’

‘You may be right.’

‘I love you, Lila.’

‘Well, you tell me when you’re ready then. I thought what you looked like on the outside would help you a little bit on the inside, but maybe I’m wrong.’

‘You’re wrong.’

‘I thought that if you saw yourself from the outside …’

‘I love you, Lila.’

‘Ok, ok, I love you too.’

‘I haven’t said those words to any living soul since Uncle Gjergj died. It’s hard not to be able to tell anyone you love them for so long. As for everything else, let’s take it easy,’ Hana begs. ‘There’s no hurry.’

‘The thing is, you look like a guy trying to act effeminate,’ Lila says, as if this were the last card in her hand. ‘Your voice is odd, your face is rough. No one will give you a job if you look weird. People don’t want problems around here; all they want is employees who are as normal as possible. You have to understand.’

‘I’ll tell them I’m a woman with a difference.’

‘It’s not so easy.’

‘I can’t go so fast, trust me.’

‘Why not? You’ve had a whole year to think about it.’

‘If I hurry, I feel terrible.’

She doesn’t know a thing about the road they’re on, but she stares at the road signs anyway. Lila turns the car radio on. Jazz. Hana looks out of the window. She then tries to memorize the junctions as they pass them on the 355. ‘Is this normal life?’ she wonders. She’s been wondering for years what it would be like. The music is beautiful. She knows nothing about music but she knows she likes this.

Soon she’ll be driving too; she just has to be patient a while and she’ll have her own rusty old car. She has the money. She’s saved up everything she earned taking wood down from the mountain to the town. She can’t wait for the day she has her own car. She wants to tell Lila but she doesn’t know how. Because I’m an outsider, Hana thinks. Just because I’m a cousin it doesn’t mean she knows me. It just means I’m a cousin.

‘Remember, Barnes and Noble is at the junction of Rockville Pike and Hubbard … Look at this, will you? I can’t believe I have to take a hillbilly to a bookstore when she’s only been in town for three days.’

Lila parks the car. On the left there’s a café, on the right a homeware store. Hana is trying to memorize everything.

‘Listen, Hana. Do you mind if I don’t go in there with you? I don’t know what to do in a bookstore.’

Hana says that’s fine.

They split up and Hana goes in to explore. She looks around. Nobody seems to be paying any attention to her. She tries to relax but it’s no good. To the right there are the counters where people are in line to pay. In front of her there’s a huge table with new books on offer. Right behind her, the escalators.

She is frozen cold. It could be the air conditioning; she’s not used to it. There are lots of people sitting in armchairs and reading near the store window. She hides among the shelves. Some readers are sitting on the floor and Hana decides to copy them. She dives into a narrow corridor between two bookshelves. The carpet is brown; her shoes are ridiculous. There are dictionaries all around her now. You’re ridiculous, she tells herself. You’re scared, you’re still scared, but no one’s looking at you. To her left there’s a young woman, a student maybe, balancing a pile of books in her arms. She’s wearing a pair of really nice glasses. She’s dressed a bit like Jonida, only more sophisticated.

‘Do you need any help?’ she asks, after a moment.

‘I need an English dictionary.’

‘You’ve just arrived, right?’

‘How do you know?’

The girl smiles. Her hair is thick and black. She’s holding a pen, her nails are long and manicured, varnished silver.

‘Five years ago I was going through the same thing. I was terrified, and I could hardly speak a word of English. The first thing I bought was a dictionary … They’re right behind you,’ she says. ‘You’re leaning on them.’

Hana turns around and sees them. She strokes them for what feels like a long time.

‘Have you found anything?’ Lila asks, tapping her on the shoulder.

‘I’ll get this. There’s forty percent off. What do you think?’

‘I don’t know a thing about it, sweetie. Ask me about fabric, washing powder, drugs, how to make a bit of extra money on the side to get to the end of the month, anything, but leave books out of it. You don’t think you’re going to get a job here in America using books, do you?’

‘I’ll be a construction worker, don’t worry.’

‘They don’t take women in the construction business.’

Lila checks her watch. They step onto the escalator. Hana steadies herself.

‘I could be a taxi driver,’ she says, gathering courage. ‘There are women taxi drivers, right?’

Lila is tense. She looks at Hana, trying not to show it, and then reaches out to her, resting her arm on her shoulder. There’s not much left of the pretty girl she once was. Back in the mountains there had been plenty of young men secretly in love with Lila. She is different now. She’s got a frenetic look in her eyes. She’s a bit homesick, which she tries to hide. And she’s got enough love for her daughter to nourish the whole world.

On their way home, Hana is filled with a sudden euphoria. This is the third time she’s taken this road — the 355, or Rockville Pike — and she feels as though she’s known it for a long time. The rest won’t be that difficult. All she has to do is talk to Jonida, explain things. All she has to do is turn into a woman, for real. All she has to do is learn the language. All she has to do is get a job and a room of her own. All she has to do is be normal. All she has to do is forget.

Forget.

Solitude; the death of glory in the mountains; her poems that would never become books; her last memory of her parents fixed forever on a winter’s day.

‘Where are you going to talk to Jonida?’ Lila asks her.

‘In the park we went to yesterday.’

‘You don’t want me to come with you, do you?’

Hana stares ahead.

‘I want to be alone with her. Let’s see if I can still spin a good tale.’

The park is almost empty. A couple in identical jogging pants runs by. A man jogs past them, pushing a gigantic three-wheeled stroller. Hana says it is four o’clock in the afternoon, just to say something. A family of ducks is standing in the middle of the lawn. The road behind the park is called College Parkway. It has taken Jonida and Hana ten minutes to reach this point.

They sit on a bench.

‘So, Uncle Mark,’ Jonida kicks off, a flicker of fear in her eyes. She crosses her long legs and her high ponytail catches in the wind. ‘I’ve been thinking all day about what you’re going to say, about all those things my parents hide from me, but I’ve guessed anyway, though I haven’t said a thing to them.’

Hana gets her cigarettes out, but Jonida grabs them.

‘They’re bad for you.’

‘What have you guessed?’

‘We’re here because you have to explain things to me , right?’