Elvira Dones - Sworn Virgin

Hana quit smoking a few weeks ago and is still coughing up phlegm. Shtjefën called her a traitor. Jonida is happy: ‘Go for it, Hana! Show Mr Fatso that he can stop poisoning himself!’ Mr Fatso smiles and readily accepts his daughter’s affectionate insults.

‘My Jonida is going to be an educated woman,’ he says with infinite pride. ‘She’s beautiful and intelligent, and women like that can get away with saying a few words too many.’

That day, before Jonida and Shtjefën get back home, Hana tried on a skirt, which, Lila had explained, was called a tube skirt. It was made of dark fabric and it was the only skirt that Hana had agreed to buy during these three months.

With the house to herself she held a kind of dress rehearsal. She studied herself in the mirror for a long time — and found herself ridiculous. She walked up and down without taking her eyes off the mirror. And she did her best to resist the temptation to throw the skirt out of the window.

Jonida is home before Shtjefën. Hana closes her eyes as she throws open the door.

‘Wow!’ her niece shrieks, as she throws her backpack into a corner of the living room. ‘Cool! Turn around, Hana!’

Hana obeys.

‘I don’t like the color,’ Jonida says. ‘Who chose it?’

‘Apart from the color?’

‘I said you look ok. It looks better from the front than from the back.’

Jonida rushes to the fridge to grab a low-fat yogurt.

‘What is that stuff? Why don’t you eat something more nutritious?’

‘I hate cellulite.’

‘You don’t have cellulite, sweetie, but if you only eat this stuff you’ll get too thin.’

‘It’s cool to be thin and you know it. Anyway, you look cute in the skirt, but you look better in pants.’

Hana hangs her head in disappointment. Jonida finishes her yogurt and throws the teaspoon in the sink. Hana rushes to rinse it. She adores Jonida’s messiness; it keeps her busy during the day.

‘You’re weird,’ the girl says, rubbing salt in the wound. ‘You’re flat behind. You have no backside.’

‘Thanks.’

‘It’s my role isn’t it? You asked me to be straight with you.’

‘For weeks you go on at me, girly this, girly that, and then, first try, you put me down!’

‘I love you. But if you’re weird, you’re weird, and I can’t do anything about it.’

‘I’ll take it off, then.’

‘You better not!’

Hana doesn’t understand what’s going on.

‘We have to work at it, we can’t just give up. You can’t turn sexy in a day. Your face is already much better.’

‘I don’t want to be sexy, I’ve told you a thousand times,’ Hana insists nervously. ‘I just want to be normal and acceptable.’

‘You want to be more than normal, Hana. You want to look good, and don’t deny it.’

Hana sits on the sofa longing for a cigarette.

‘How was school today?’ she asks, changing the subject.

‘Fine. I think the guy I like is with another girl. A friend told me today in the cafeteria.’

‘Is this girl cute?’

‘She’s ugly as hell.’

Hana laughs with gusto.

‘You’re saying that because you’re jealous,’ she ribs.

‘Me? Jealous?’ Jonida’s hair flies around her as she shakes her head. ‘I am way better than her. Things like that don’t get to me, but she’s just plain ugly.’

Hana watches her. She has lived with Jonida for three months and, despite the intimacy they have created, she still finds things difficult. She envies her naturalness, the way Jonida is so accepting of her place in the world.

‘I have to do my homework now, I’ve got a ton of things to do,’ Jonida announces, jumping up and skipping into her bedroom.

Hana sits on the sofa lost in thought until Shtjefën gets back home, but she does decide one thing: not to take off the skirt.

‘The job won’t be too tiring,’ Shtjefën says. He looks up and notices the change in her. ‘Finally! Lila will be pleased to see you like this.’

They both smile.

‘I don’t want an easy job,’ Hana says. ‘I want a job where I get really tired and where I can learn the language.’

‘But you’re doing great, what are you worrying about? I wish I could speak English as well as you!’

Just then Lila gets home. She hangs her bag in the hall, mumbles a worn-out, drawling ‘hi,’ goes and takes a shower, and comes back into the kitchen with her hair still wet.

Casting her eyes over the kitchen stove and the table set for four, she tosses an inquisitive ‘so?’ into the air and then adds, ‘What have you made for dinner, Hana?’

Just then Lila notices and her eyes light up.

‘Stand up! Stand up now! I wish I’d been here when you were putting that skirt on, for crying out loud. You’ve been driving me crazy all this time. Stand up!’

Shtjefën goes out. Hana just stands there, her arms hanging limply by her sides.

‘You look great. Walk around a bit …’

Hana slumps back into her chair.

‘Come on, don’t start being difficult! Let me see you! This is a historic moment. Now you are a woman from every point of view.’

You make it sound easy, Hana thinks, without taking her eyes off the empty plates. She wants to eat, clean the table, and go out for her usual stroll.

‘Are you happy?’

‘Yes, I’m fine. Tomorrow Shtjefën is taking me to my first job interview.’

‘He found you a job? And you don’t even tell me? We have to celebrate!’

Jonida comes out of her bedroom. Lila turns, bounds towards her, and wraps her daughter in a greedy embrace.

‘Oh my darling! Light of my eyes! How are you, my love?’

‘Take it easy,’ she says. ‘You’re squishing me. We saw each other this morning, Mom, remember?’

Lila has no intention of letting go. Shtjefën comes back into the room and gently, almost shyly, hugs his wife and daughter. They are so beautiful and there’s no need for anything else, there’s no need for words or dreams or memories. All I need to do is be here and smile, Hana says to herself. And she smiles, looking at these three people who have adopted her but from whom she can’t wait to escape.

Jonida turns to her father and rubs her nose against his chin.

‘Hi, big Daddy bear,’ she says to him. ‘Is everything ok?’

‘Everything is fine, my love. What about you?’

They do not let go, none of the three wants to separate, they stroke each other. Hana goes on smiling, but her smile becomes a lump in her throat and a grimace of pain crosses her face.

‘Ok, that’s enough for now.’ Jonida throws herself down on the sofa, next to Hana.

‘I’m hungry.’

Lila goes into the kitchen and takes the lid off the saucepan. Hana makes an effort not to cry, but she can’t stop. She runs into the bathroom.

She remembers the day her parents hugged each other in front of her. They were standing. Her mother was beautiful; her father had surrendered to his wife’s sweetness. Hana had watched them closely. They had embraced in front of their daughter the day before they got onto the bus that was supposed to take them to their cousin’s wedding in the city.

The bus had ended up at the bottom of a ravine that winter afternoon and no one was able to reach the wreck. They were buried in the snow that fell that night and slept in ice until the following spring. When they recovered the bodies, they found her mother’s red and blue headscarf and her father’s pipe.

Since then Hana has kept these treasures with her. She brought them here and has them stashed in her suitcase under her bed.

Dinner is delicious. Hana has taken a lot of trouble choosing the menu. She’s trying to learn to cook. She has even bought a cookbook and this evening she has prepared green salad with raisins, spaghetti with meat sauce, and baked apples.