Lauren Holmes - Barbara the Slut and Other People

He leaves and comes back and leaves and comes back. He squeezes me.

• • •

I am still in Mike’s arms.

• • •

Jenna is here. She licks Mike a lot. She squeezes me a lot. She smells different.

“Hi baby,” says Mike. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” says Jenna. “I’m sorry I made you worry. I just wanted a weekend with my friends.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” he says. “I was being a jerk. I was being a little crazy.”

“A little,” says Jenna. “But I love you anyway.”

Later I am on my side of the bed. Jenna comes in.

“Princess!” she says. “You’re in my spot. You sleep at the end of the bed.”

I have to move to the end of the bed.

• • •

I sleep at the end of the bed every night.

• • •

“Princess,” says Mike. “I have to tell you a big secret.”

We have a buffalo chicken pizza and beer.

“I’m going to ask your mom to marry me. At graduation.”

• • •

“Princess,” says Mike. “Forget what I said yesterday.”

We have a buffalo chicken pizza and beer.

“Casey says it’s not a good idea. She says it’s Jenna’s special day. And she says I need to wait until I know Jenna is the one. Obviously Jenna is the one. You and I both know Jenna is the one. Jenna is the one for us.”

• • •

We are in a place with a lot of humans.

Jenna is here and she squeezes me. I am carrying something important on my neck.

“What is this?” she says.

“Open it,” says Mike.

“Oh my god,” says Jenna. “What is happening right now?”

“Oh,” says Jenna. “Earrings.”

“Congratulations, baby,” says Mike. “Do you like them?”

“Do I not deserve white pearls?” says Jenna.

“What?” says Mike. “No, I just thought you would like these because they’re different.”

“No, then I love them,” she says.

• • •

I am at school. There are other dogs and other humans and a human named Mo.

Mo says, “Jump,” and I jump. She gives me a snack.

Mo says, “Through the tunnel,” and I go through the tunnel. She gives me a snack.

“You are a VERY smart dog,” says Mo. She gives me a snack.

• • •

“I know Mo seems crazy but I think she’s really good,” says Jenna. “You handle Princess tomorrow and you’ll see.”

“I think we could have saved a hundred and forty bucks,” Mike says. “I could do the same things she does. And Princess is perfect already.”

“She eats trash,” says Jenna.

“It’s not like she’s going to stop because she can jump over a chair and crawl through a tunnel.”

Mike makes ice cream.

I follow him and the ice cream to the living room. Mike licks Jenna.

“What do you want to watch?” she says.

“You pick,” he says. “Oh my god, guess what? I ran into Robbie in the city today.”

“Oh my god!” says Jenna. “What was he doing there?”

“He had a job interview at a high school. He was wearing a suit and tie.”

“No shit. How is he doing?”

“Good, I think.”

“That’s so crazy you just ran into each other.”

“I know. You know what he asked me?” Mike says. “He asked me if you were still cheating on me.” Mike laughs.

“What?” says Jenna.

“Isn’t that funny?” says Mike.

“Uh,” says Jenna.

“Come on babe, he hasn’t seen us in a long time. Baby, what’s wrong? It’s not a big deal.”

I wait for ice cream.

“You would have told me if anything happened last year, right?” says Mike. “If you kissed Nick or something?”

Jenna starts to cry.

“Oh my god,” says Mike.

Jenna cries a lot. Mike moves to another part of the couch. I get on the couch between them.

“You kissed him?” says Mike.

Jenna looks at Mike. I look at Mike.

“You fucked him?” says Mike. “Oh my god, you fucked him.” He stands up. I get off the couch. Jenna cries.

I follow Mike to the bedroom. Jenna follows us.

“Please,” she says, “please don’t leave.”

He lies down. I lick him. He doesn’t move. I lick him again.

I go to the living room and eat the ice cream. I go back to the bedroom. Mike and Jenna are on the bed. They are both feeling bad. I get on the bed and lie down at the end.

“I think it was only twice,” says Jenna. “I stopped. I didn’t want to cheat on you.”

“That’s so sweet of you.”

“Please, Mikey. Please don’t do this. It was such a long time ago. It was such a stupid mistake.”

“Oh, well, if it was a long time ago and if it was a mistake.”

“Please, baby.”

“I’m taking Princess out.”

I get off the bed.

“Okay,” says Jenna. “Do you want me to come?”

“No,” says Mike.

I follow him to the living room. He puts my leash on. He goes back to the bedroom and I follow him.

“Did you fuck him on Halloween?”

Jenna starts crying. She goes under the covers.

“I knew it,” says Mike.

I follow him to the living room. We go outside and walk and walk.

We are home and Jenna is walking in the house. Mike and I get into bed.

Jenna gets into bed and takes her clothes off.

Mike jumps up.

“Fuck you,” he says. “Put your clothes back on.”

Jenna cries. Mike leaves. Jenna puts her clothes on. Mike comes back and gets into the bed.

“I’m sorry,” says Jenna. She is crying. “Thank you for sleeping in here with me. I think I would die if you didn’t.”

There is a space between Mike and Jenna and I sleep in it.

• • •

“You should probably get out of here for a couple of days,” says Mike.

“Where should I go?” says Jenna.

“How could you move in here with me?” says Mike.

“I’ll call my mom,” says Jenna. “Do you want me to take Princess with me?”

“It’s better for her if she stays here,” says Mike. “She has obedience school.”

Jenna leaves.

Mike and I are in the car.

We are at school.

“Down,” says Mike. I lie down. I get a snack.

“Stay,” says Mike. I stay. I get a snack.

“Down.” Snack. “Stay.” Snack. “Down.” Snack. “Stay.” Snack. “Down.” Snack. “Stay.” Snack. “Down.” Snack. “Stay.” Snack. “Down.” Snack. “Stay.” Snack. “Down.” Snack. “Stay.” Snack. “Down.” Snack. “Stay.” Snack.

“Okay, folks,” says Mo. “Before we leave, the tip of the day. This is for all of you whose dogs steal food. You make yourself a hamburger and put it down in the living room and you realize you forgot your beer and you go back to the kitchen and get it. When you come back, the hamburger is gone and your dog is licking his chops. If that happens to you, here’s what you do. You roll up a newspaper and you hit yourself in the head with it. Don’t be a moron and leave your hamburger alone with your dog. Because your dog is going to eat the hamburger.”

Mike and I are in the car.

“You know who’s a fucking hamburger?” says Mike. “Jenna is the fucking hamburger. I left her on the coffee table and Nick fucking ate her.”

“Or maybe Nick is the hamburger and she ate him. I don’t fucking know. I don’t know which is worse.”

• • •

Mike and I are in the car. I am next to Mike.

We have hot dogs. I eat one.

“Jenna says that’s like a person eating half a dozen donuts. Ha.”

We ride and ride. Mike opens the windows and I smell a million smells.

We are at a new house. “This is your aunt Casey and your uncle Luis,” says Mike. Casey makes noises. Uncle Luis has hot dogs and I eat one. There is a small human girl named Patsy and a small human boy named T-Rex. They smell better than other humans.