Lauren Holmes - Barbara the Slut and Other People

“My guess is six or seven; that’s a great age, they’re so calm by then,” says Eunice.

“Well, we’ll think about it,” says the male.

“Oh, baby,” says the female. “She needs to get out of the shelter.”

“You could go ahead and fill out an application,” says Eunice. “That way, if you decide you want her, the paperwork’s in, and if you decide you don’t, that’s okay too.”

“Can we just fill it out?” says the female. “Please?”

“Okay,” says the male. “We’ll fill it out, but we need to talk about this.”

I lie down between the female’s legs.

“She just adores you,” says Eunice.

• • •

Eunice opens the cage.

“Okay, Princess. Time to get your girl parts out.”

We go outside. I ride in a truck with other dogs. I sit in a room with other dogs. There are new humans. They look at me and touch me. I feel funny.

• • •

Eunice is here. I ride in the truck with the other dogs. We are at the shelter. That female is here. My tail is heavy but I wag it.

The female and Eunice talk about me.

“Good-bye, Princess,” says Eunice.

“Thanks for everything,” says the female. “Come on, pretty girl. Let’s go home and have a bath.”

“Oh, no,” says Eunice. “No baths for fourteen days because of the stitches.”

“Oh,” says the female. “Okay.”

We are in the car.

We are at a place that smells like dogs and food. I follow the female.

“I guess this is what you were eating at the shelter,” she says.

“Do you want a toy?” she says. “Which ones do you like?”

I find a good snack. “Oh, Princess, no,” she says. “We have to at least pay for that first.”

“My dog already ate part of this,” the female says. “Maybe the treats should be kept higher up.”

“Maybe,” says a human.

“Is beef jerky good for dogs?” says the female.

“I doubt it,” says the human.

“Okay, well, this is your first and last piece of jerky, Princess,” says the female. “I hope you enjoy it.”

I have the snack again. It’s delicious.

We are in the car. We get out of the car. I smell everything. We go into a house.

“This is your new home, Princess.”

I smell everything in the house.

The male is here. He pets me.

“Wow,” he says. “She does not smell good.”

“We can’t give her a bath for two weeks,” says the female.

“Can she live outside until then?” says the male.

“Mike!” says the female.

A pizza is here. I wait to eat it.

“No, Princess, this is people food,” says the female.

“So her name is just going to be Princess now? That’s it?”

“No, let’s talk about it. I just don’t know what to call her in the meantime.”

“I don’t want a dog named Princess.”

“Me either, but you don’t like any of my ideas.”

“If you want to have a dog named Papaya, you can do that on your own. You can take her back to campus with you.”

“I never said Papaya, I said Plum.”

I wait to eat the pizza.

“I like Red,” says the male.

“What about Scarlet or Carmine or some other kind of red? That’s why I thought Plum, it’s kind of a red.”

“Those all sound like celebrity baby names.”

“No they don’t. What celebrity named their baby one of those names?”

“You tell me, you’re the one who knows all that stuff.”

The female puts a bowl of kibble on the floor. I sniff it and knock it over.

“Princess!” says the female. “That’s your dinner.”

Later the female puts a blanket down and says, “This is where Princess sleeps.” The humans are on the other side of the door.

• • •

The doorbell rings and Jenna leaves. She is back with a box. I smell it and she opens it. “This is your new dog bed!” she says.

There is a bed and I lie on it.

“Do you love it?” says Jenna. I thump my tail.

She scratches me all over my body. I lean into the scratches, wherever they are.

• • •

I smell meat. It’s on the counter. Jenna and the male are talking about the meat. I am waiting.

“That’s what dogs are naturally supposed to eat.”

“Really? Does it cost six dollars a day in the wild?”

“She suffered so much before we got her, she should at least eat good food.”

“She didn’t suffer! Eunice said she was fine. And eating kibble is not suffering.”

“She obviously does not like that food, Mike!”

“I’m not feeding her this when you go back to school.”

“Fine, give her cancer. I’m not making dinner.”

“Fine, neither am I.”

“Fine. Why don’t you order one of your magical buffalo chicken pizzas?”

“Maybe I will.”

The meat is in my bowl. I eat it. It is delicious.

“Look how much she likes it,” says Jenna.

• • •

I am wet. I try to escape. Mike gives me snacks. Jenna covers me with water. I try to escape.

I am in the bedroom.

“But she smells good now,” says Jenna.

“She can smell good in the hallway,” says Mike.

“She’s lonely,” says Jenna.

“Dogs can’t be lonely,” says Mike.

“Of course they can, they’re pack animals,” says Jenna. “She wants to be near us so bad that she’s lying on the cold, hard floor.”

“It’s ninety degrees out and she’s lying on like two inches of her own hair.”

“It’s my last night with you guys for five days.”

“And you want to spend it with the dog,” says Mike. “Clearly you’re going to do what you want, so just go get it.”

“I love you, baby,” she says.

The dog bed is in the room. I lie on it.

They are moving in the human bed. I stand up to see. They are licking each other. They are moving around. It smells good.

Mike looks at me.

“The dog is watching us,” he says.

“So?” says Jenna.

“I can’t concentrate.”

“Princess, lie down,” says Jenna. I lie down.

There are many good smells.

Mike puts his feet on the floor and I lick them. They taste delicious.

“Ugh,” says Mike. He leaves and comes back and Jenna leaves and comes back. She scratches behind my ears.

• • •

Jenna is not here. There is kibble in my bowl. I knock it over.

I am in the dog bed and Mike is in the human bed.

He pets me.

“Here I am with you,” says Mike. “And Jenna is back at school. With Nick. So that’s great.”

• • •

Jenna is not here. There is kibble in my bowl. I knock it over.

• • •

Jenna is not here. Mike puts kibble in my bowl. I knock it over.

“Fuck this shit,” he says. He puts meat in my bowl. I try to eat it. It’s very hard and cold.

“Yeah, go ahead and eat it frozen,” says Mike. “That’s six frozen dollars right there.”

• • •

Jenna is here. She is crying.

“Come on, baby,” says Mike. “It was supposed to be funny.”

“There should have been some kind of warning that the dog was going to die,” says Jenna.

“Are you getting your period, by any chance?”

“That should be, like, part of the rating. D for death of dog.”

“Are you?”

“None of your business,” says Jenna.

“Called it,” says Mike.

Jenna sits on Mike. I get on the couch.

“Off,” says Mike.

“Aw,” says Jenna. “She wants to comfort me.”

I follow them to the bedroom and I get on the bed.

“Absolutely not,” says Mike.

“Princess, off,” says Jenna.

I move to a different part of the bed. The bed has many smells and they are all good.

“Oh baby, please?” says Jenna.

“This is not fair,” says Mike. “You two are taking advantage of the situation.”