Lauren Holmes - Barbara the Slut and Other People

“Just for tonight,” says Jenna.

“Ugh,” says Mike.

I sleep in the bed with the humans.

• • •

I find a very good snack.

I don’t feel my best.

I am in the bed with the humans. I wake up and stand up. Mike wakes up and holds me over the edge of the bed. I throw up. I feel better. Mike turns on the light.

“Jenna, wake up,” he says.

She wakes up.

“The dog threw up, and I think there’s blood in it.”

She sits up. “Mm,” she says. “That’s a tampon.” She lies back down.

“Oh my god,” says Mike.

“I’ll clean it up,” says Jenna. “Will you take her out?”

Mike gets out of bed and says, “Come on, dog.”

I see a good snack and eat it.

We are outside and then we are inside. The mess is there and I wonder if I should clean it up.

“The tampon is missing,” says Jenna.

“What?” says Mike.

“It’s not here anymore. Was she right behind you the whole time?”

“I think so,” he says. “Maybe not. Oh god.”

“I’m calling the vet,” says Jenna.

“You’re a disgusting animal,” says Mike.

Mike and I lie in the bed together.

Jenna comes back.

“They want us to bring her in so they can surgically remove it,” she says.

“How much is that going to cost?” says Mike.

“I don’t know, a lot.”

“Can’t we just make her throw it up?”

“They said not to, she might choke.”

“She threw it up once, she can throw it up again.”

“Oh god,” says Jenna. She cleans up the mess.

We are in the bathroom. I drink something.

“I can’t believe she just drank it,” says Jenna.

“She eats garbage,” says Mike. “What do you expect?”

I throw up. The snack is here again but Jenna takes it away.

We are in bed.

“That was a very bad thing you did, Princess,” says Jenna.

“Her name is going to be Princess forever,” says Mike. “Fuck.”

• • •

“I wish you didn’t have to go back to campus,” says Mike.

“I’ll be back on Friday.”

“And I have to stay here with this disgusting dog.”

“Oh please, you love her.”

“And you’re on campus with Nick.”

“What?” says Jenna. “Are you being serious right now? You cannot even tell me that you’re still worried about Nick.”

“I just wish he wasn’t on campus with you.”

“Seriously? Do you not trust me at all?”

“I do trust you. I just don’t like it. I don’t like him.”

“Babe. Come on. This is crazy. I’m here with you. I chose you.”

“I know.”

“We have a dog together.”

“I noticed.”

“She’s like our first kid.”

“I hope our real kids are better.”

“We’ll get through this year,” says Jenna. “Less than a year. Eight months. And then we have the rest of our lives.”

“Okay,” says Mike.

“I love you,” says Jenna.

“I love you too,” says Mike.

• • •

“You know what I want tonight?” says Jenna.

“What?”

“Butt sex.”

Mike laughs. “Why wait until tonight?”

Mike chases Jenna and I chase Mike.

We are in the bedroom.

“Princess, stay on the floor,” says Mike.

I get on the bed.

“Fuck, Princess, no,” says Mike.

“Just leave her,” says Jenna. “Come on.”

I am close to Mike and Jenna. There is a new smell and it’s an incredibly good smell.

• • •

“I can come stay on campus with you,” says Mike.

“What about Princess?” says Jenna. I wag my tail.

“I’ll bring her.”

“Babe, I just kind of need a weekend to myself.”

“What do you need to do?”

“Go to Halloween parties, I don’t know.”

“What if Nick is there?”

“Oh my god! Are we going to talk about this for the rest of our lives?”

“Just answer the question. What if he’s there?”

“We still have a lot of the same friends, I can’t help it if I run into him.”

“But you don’t have to go to a party with him.”

“I’m not going to a party with him!”

“If you went to a party and he was there, would you leave?”

“I don’t know,” says Jenna.

“If he’s there will you text me? Just so I know he’s there?”

“I’m not going to do that! This is crazy. We’re just friends.”

“Wait, now you’re friends? You can’t be friends.”

“You can’t tell me who I can and cannot be friends with, Michael.”

“Yes I can, when it comes to Nick I can.”

• • •

Mike and I walk. I wait outside. We walk and I wait outside. We have food.

“Don’t tell Jenna about our little Halloween party,” says Mike. “If she’s allowed to drink beer, I’m allowed to drink beer. But she can never know about Blessings II Go, Blessings II Go is not allowed.”

We are home. We eat the food.

“This chicken doesn’t taste like roadkill to you, does it?” says Mike. “You think Jenna is the best. She is the best but she’s not right about everything. She’s wrong about this chicken and she’s wrong about Nick. She’s wrong about my beer belly. You like my beer belly, right, girl? You think that’s why Jenna didn’t want me to come to the party? I’m too fat to be Tarzan now?”

“I should go to campus,” says Mike. “I’m not too drunk to drive.”

We are sitting.

“Maybe I’m a little too drunk,” says Mike. “Jenna was going to be a smokin’ Jane. I don’t know who you were going to be. Maybe you were going to be Phil Collins. ‘’Cause you’ll be in my heart, yes you’ll be in my heart.’ Fucking Disney ruins everything.”

“I could still go. I could go find them and Nick would be pumping the keg for her like how he’s so fucking romantic and I could swing in and pick up the keg and smash it over his head. I would wear a wig and a loincloth and everything.”

“What a fucking asshole, that guy. You would think he was an asshole if you met him. You would smell it from a mile away. Smelling like a giant fucking asshole.”

“Sorry, girl, this might be the beer talking. Or maybe that chicken. That chicken is probably not the best. I don’t trust that guy at all. But I do trust Jenna, I trust Jenna.”

Mike is drinking. I am licking my vagina and my butt.

“She’s done with him,” says Mike. “She’s been done with him. She promised she’s done with him.”

“You know what you should not do? You should not be the other dog. You should not fuck a boy dog who already has a girl dog. And if that boy dog says he’s going to break up with his girl dog for you, don’t do it. It’s never gonna fucking work. Just kidding, it’s different for dogs. You can fuck any dog you want and they can fuck any dog they want. Except not you because your vagina doesn’t work anymore. Well it works but you know what I mean. There’s no point.”

“She should have picked me to begin with. He told her he loved her when she told him about me. For the first time ever. You think that’s a coincidence, girl?”

I thump my tail.

“Robbie was like, don’t get a dog, man. He said his sister got a dog with her girlfriend and they made a deal that if they broke up, whoever got broken up with would get the dog. So the sister tried to make the girlfriend dump her, and the girlfriend tried to make the sister dump her. And in the end Robbie’s sister lost the dog and her heart was broken forever.”

“Whatever. Robbie never liked Jenna.”

Later I am in the human part of the bed. Mike’s arms are around me. There are noises and good smells inside of Mike. He goes to the bathroom. He is back.

“Ugh,” he says. “You don’t think that meat really is roadkill, do you, girl?”