Bruce Bauman - Broken Sleep

— Have you come to take Nathaniel?

— No .

— Then why?

— When Salome and our family’s first father lay together, I became the child “untimely ripped” away to save his purity. My mother and I never found each other until it was too late. If she had found me, and he had known of me, he would never have allowed himself to be slain. You must stop it from happening again .

— What do you mean?

— Find your firstborn. Yes, he lives, and do what you must to assure our family’s destiny. Because one must live and one must die. And one has been chosen .

— Why? What? I don’t understand .

— Salome, murders do not happen suddenly. They gestate over years … and then they happen suddenly. You are their mother, you must be the one .

A guard found me on the ground beside the bench. He helped me inside, where I washed my face and warmed up. I caught a taxi back to the hospital. Soon Alchemy arrived, looking haggard, still anticipating I’d crumble or Nathaniel would leave us. My steadiness surprised him.

Dr. Downs explained the MRIs and MRAs indicated that, in all likelihood, Nathaniel would be facing a long recovery. Alchemy took charge, getting Nathaniel a private room and private nurses. After three days, they sent Nathaniel home to 26th Street.

Alchemy stayed in New York to help us out. But he also needed to work. He began producing an album by Cyrus P. Turntable. At home, he and Nathaniel spoke until Nathaniel became too frustrated and tired — the stroke had damaged his speech — about the short- and long-term ramifications of the Bush coup d’état and how this fracture in the democracy would help revolutionize the outdated system.

When the Mother Jones piece came out, Alchemy read it to us aloud.

“ ‘The swell of change, once so tactile, seems unreachable and our dream of a new enlightenment has become an American Inquisition converting the baby bombers and flower babes, war-fragged vets and suburban protest kids, civil disobedients and civil rightists, same-sexers and sexual sublimators into a class of overfed complainers. This is the moment to reconsider the past and remake the future and awake and sing once more!’

“Damn, Nathaniel, I think the coup inspired you to catch Scofflaw’s voice.”

Nathaniel’s eyes veered toward me, and he struggled to say, “Thank your mother. Without her help … she is the artist and chameleon in more ways than one.”

Yes, my son and I are chameleons. My heart hurt for Nathaniel, who could only be himself.

One afternoon while physical and speech therapists worked with Nathaniel, Alchemy took a smoke on the enclosed terrace, which faced an unused ramp of the old West Side Drive. We meditated on his future and mine. In my body, in my DNA, I sensated that Margarita told the truth and Teumer had not lied.

“So, when you become the Political Savior, are you intending to call yourself Scott?”

“You’ll never forgive me for that, will you?”

“I want to make sure I’m not going to have to forgive you again.”

“I’m forever Alchemy.”

“Do you ever think taking care of me and Nathaniel would be easier if you had a sibling?”

“I haven’t thought about it.”

“Do you wish your brother had lived?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“So you’d like to have a brother?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Nowhere. Sometimes, because of what happened with him, perhaps I became too protective. Overbearing.”

“Yes. And no. I’m sure some people would be appalled that you encouraged me to have lots of sex. And others would’ve been proud that their kid enlisted in the army.”

“Yes. War good. Sex bad.” On that note, he took my motherly advice and went out for the night to find himself some sex. I sensated he had no idea that his brother still lived.

As the holidays passed uneventfully and the new year began, I duped myself into complacency. I buried thoughts of my undead child, as I had buried him decades before.

Just as I thought we’d begun to recalibrate toward a filial equilibrium with me — who would’ve guessed — as part-time caretaker of Nathaniel, Absurda succumbed to her Gravity Disease. Alchemy went into shock. That night he spent hours on the phone with Mindswallow and Lux, and all these record company PR people and managers. I wanted to scream, “Stop! Mourn. Cry your fucking eyes out!” The vicious ether began to envelop us, and I feared the family disease would strike him. Neither of us slept all night, and in the morning, as he prepared to evade the locusts swarming outside the building to go to Fond du Lac, he promised me, “Mom, I’ll be back right after Absurda’s funeral.”

He didn’t come right back. He sent Falstaffa and Marty to move me and Nathaniel back to Topanga. I didn’t object. I needed to be with my son. I needed to protect him.

We settled into our guest house on the compound, and I found two Teumers in the L.A. phone book, Jane and Moses. No Malcolm. I timed my first reconnaissance trip for the day before the Insatiables played their Absurda tribute show. Alchemy would be too preoccupied to track my whereabouts.

My nurse drove me by Lily Fairmont’s gallery to check on some possible sales and then to this Moses’s home in Venice. We parked two doors down from the small house. I told the nurse it was the home of an old boyfriend and I wanted to spy on him. She didn’t think that odd at all. I walked around the front and inhaled the soulsmell of morbidly bland steamed white rice.

The morning after the Troubadour tribute show, I stopped Falstaffa as she was bringing some beers and breakfast to the recording studio. Alchemy’d been in there alone all night. I brought in the tray. Alchemy lay on the floor, pillow under his head, staring up at the skylight. Surrounded by the weapons of musical destruction on one side and the Beretta he kept in the studio on the other. I placed the tray on the floor, picked up the gun, walked up the three steps to the console board, and returned it to its usual spot. I walked back and lay down beside him. I stared up, squinting at the morning brightness. For many minutes neither of us spoke.

“Mom, I fucked up bad. I didn’t save Absurda. I’ve pissed off Ambitious. Lux seems fed up. I don’t care if I never write another song.”

Gravity Disease, I understood. Suicide from self-pity, I couldn’t abide. “Do you feel sorry for yourself or for Absurda?”

“Both.”

“Mindswallow and Lux can take care of themselves. The world can survive without another of your songs. I can’t survive without you. Take some time. You need to protect yourself.”

He soon sought sanctuary in the monastery, which offered me the opportunity to pursue my mission without any interference. My course of action not quite set, I called for a taxi. My nurse intervened. Alchemy had left instructions not to allow me to go anywhere alone. I sent the taxi away. Two nights later, while everyone slept, I slipped out and down the path that led to Topanga Canyon Boulevard. I wanted a ride to Venice Boulevard. From there, I’d make my way to his house. I never even made it to PCH. Yes, I’d taken a bottle of Haldol and borrowed the Beretta from the studio — only as precautions. Misinterpretation of my intent landed me back here.

And then, in what was surely no coincidence, a week or so before I was finally allowed to leave Collier Layne and rejoin Nathaniel, I found a copy of People on a table in the lobby, with the sidebar headline “The Sexy Savior.” My insides shredding as every new word pierced and twisted itself into my body, I wondered if, as Margarita warned, my moment to save Alchemy had passed. I resigned myself to a life bracketed by the death, pretend or not, of my two children. For I lived Moses’s death for decades before his resurrection, and I lived Alchemy’s murder long before it occurred.