Bruce Bauman - Broken Sleep

“Yes.”

“See, you are going to pay me again. In answer to question one, identity refashioning is not exactly unique in my line of work.”

“Anything else you can find, and yes, I’ll pay. I want to meet him.”

“Oddsy bodsy, babe. I’ll check if your ghosty pop is still samba-ing down Rio way at the same address.”

Moses spent the night dominated by obsessive introspection and scrutiny, certifying all major “facts” of his heritage as fraudulent. He couldn’t help thinking that Jay’s fleeing implied even more portentous revelations. The next day, she finally e-mailed that she’d be coming by around eleven.

When her Honda pulled into the driveway, Moses feigned casualness. He loped out to hug her. Hair unkempt, wearing jeans and a tan blouse, sunglasses, and floppy straw hat covering her pallid complexion sans makeup, Jay shook her head as she brushed past him. “Inside.” He trudged into the living room. The sun rays from the skylight above bathed the room, giving it an aura of airiness when strangulation would be more apt. Jay edged into the right corner of the white leather couch. Moses sat opposite, an unbridgeable two feet of space and an immeasurable gulf of hurt separating them. After all those years of seeming dormancy, the silent spores of the fungus Lovegonelousy had released their lethal toxins.

“Jay, I’m so, so sorry. Please say you’re coming home to stay.”

“I can’t. Not yet.”

“I’m begging you. Please forgive my idiotic jealousy. Don’t you know how much I love you? I don’t understand. Why did you have to leave?”

“Saying what you said and asking me not to go with you to the museum … Moses, you left me . You’d really already left. That just sealed—”

“I hadn’t slept. I’d told you I’d taken too much Xanax. I was terrified. I apologized and begged you to forgive me, to come with me—”

“None of that undoes what you said, what you’ve been thinking. What you still think.”

“Jay—”

“Stop.” She had no intention of letting him reframe the events until she had her say. “Moses, I mean it, I feel like you left ‘us’ years ago. I’ve tried to bring you back.”

“You feel wrong.”

“No, I don’t. You’ve become more and more distant. Whenever I brought up wanting a child—”

“I agreed.”

“Agreed you weren’t ready. I was ready! And then after I stopped using birth control—”

“Jay—”

“Let me finish. Since we met, I never wanted to be with anyone else. Not when you were sick. Not when you drifted farther away after your mother died. Not when you glared at me so spitefully when you found about … I never betrayed you in reality or emotionally. I hurt for your hurt, over Salome and your father.”

“The nut and the Nazi.”

Jay didn’t acknowledge that she’d read his e-mail describing the scene at the Hammer. “Did you think I secretly pined for Alchemy? That I wanted to run away with him? That is so damn crazy.”

“I was crazy. I plead temporary insanity.”

“I had always wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Not him. Not anyone else. You.”

“Had?”

“I don’t know. I can barely see beyond my next five minutes.”

“Jay, please don’t let this one misguided, monstrously large fuck-up destroy years of love and devotion. We, I, need … Come to see Butterworth with me. Or any therapist you choose.”

“Tell me yesterday morning was the first time you thought those horrible things about me.”

Moses bowed his head, thinking if she had told him of the affair the night they’d seen Alchemy’s damn band, or if he’d never shared his daymares with her, maybe they wouldn’t be in this position. But he knew that he was only scapegoating her for his neurotic behavior.

“You can’t.” She continued, “I don’t want to imagine what else you’ve dreamed up about me.”

“You know I think horrible things. Mostly about myself. Would it be better if I lied? Would you believe me? Would you stay?”

“That’s just it. I can’t trust what you say anymore. Maybe you only want me here because you’re afraid to be alone, if the cancer strikes again.”

“Absolutely false.” Moses refused to fully accept what her words implied. “Jay, tell me you don’t love me anymore.”

“Whoever declared ‘Love conquers all’ was an idiot.” Jay’s voice pulsed with contempt. “I won’t live with that kind of unspoken, lurking nastiness. Such pettiness! Moses, you always tried to protect me from the meanness, the disappointments in the world. Then you hurt me and disappointed me more than anyone. I wish you’d had an affair, or I’d fallen in love with someone else. That would be easier than this. I don’t understand how we got here. I’ve never complained, at least out loud, that we hardly have sex. We had so much more sex when you were sick! I hoped when you went to Mexico last year that would change. We had sex two times in ten days. I couldn’t blame your illness anymore. And when we do, sometimes it’s like you don’t want to touch me—”

“You couldn’t be more off, please listen—”

“No, you listen. I’ve spent the last twenty-four hours crying my insides out. I dedicated my life to you these last years. After yesterday …” She sighed. “I’m empty.”

Moses surrendered. He had no one to blame but himself.

Jay looked up, sniffing, rubbing her eyes. “Moses, about your father, I, well—”

“I’ve decided to see him. I have to find out a different truth, not Salome’s version.”

“Hey! Guys …” They simultaneously shuddered as they recognized Alchemy’s voice. Neither had heard his car on the street or his footsteps walking up the front yard pathway.

Jay mouthed, “Did you know?”

Moses shook his head as he got up to open the door. Alchemy instantly saw the distress on Moses’s face and, behind him, the evident shock in Jay’s widening eyes. His almost breezy demeanor turned circumspect.

“Bad timing. But Mose, necessary after yesterday. It’s essential you read this.” He handed Moses a manila envelope that contained Malcolm’s letter and the medal. Alchemy shot a solicitous glance in Jay’s direction as she pushed herself off the couch. Moses spotted it. He failed to decipher their unspoken communication.

Alchemy tried to explain his presence and the envelope. “Look, this defies simple explanation. I saw Teumer in Brazil when we were on tour. He gave me this … Said it was up to me to give it to you or not. I think you’ll see.”

“Jesus Christ, now you see fit to give it to me?”

“Yeah, we fucked up. We decided it was—”

“We?”

“Yes, Jay and I—”

Moses swiveled his hips, and Jay’s exasperated gape of horror met his look of confusion and disgust. “You’ve been seeing each other? Maybe I’m not so crazy after all.”

In a rush to stop any further false condemnations, Jay blurted out, “Twice. Both times for less than twenty minutes. To help you. Alchemy wanted my opinion about the letter.”

“And you told him no? And you knew about my father?” Jay nodded sheepishly. “Fuck, I can’t believe this.” Palms together, he squeezed the envelope between his hands. “So Teumer gave this to you for me ?” Suddenly Moses’s mood shifted from shame to self-righteous fury. He tossed the envelope on the dining room table. “Alchemy, I think it’s best if you go.”

“You sure? I guess, yes. It’s all on me. Call me anytime. I had no inkling about yesterday. And Mose, I was better off without Bent. You were better off without Teumer. He’s a really twisted guy.”

“Yeah, great.” Moses flicked his head and looked Alchemy toward the door.