Gabe Durham: Fun Camp

Thank you to the editors of these fine journals for publishing parts of this book: The2ndHand, A cappella Zoo, American Short Fiction, Big Lucks, Corium, Dark Sky Magazine, decomP, Dogzplot, Everyday Genius, FriGG, Gargoyle, Heavy Feather Review, Hobart, The Lifted Brow, Monkeybicycle, Nano Fiction, NOÖ Journal, notnostrums, PANK, Pear Noir! Puerto del Sol, Route 9, Saltgrass, Western Humanities Review, and Wigleaf.

Many thanks to Chris Bachelder, Jensen Beach, Sarah Boyer, Jack Christian, Adam Cogbill, Christy Crutchfield, Todd Dills, Sasha Fletcher, Brian Foley, Peter Gizzi, Rachel B. Glaser, Lauren Foss Goodman, James Hoag, Noy Holland, Abigail Holstein, Ben Kopel, Jason Larson, Kelin Loe, Brent Lowry, Brian Mihok, Hilary Plum, Adam Robinson, Matt Suss, J.A. Tyler, Mike Young, and all who loom large in my memories of Teen Camp, King’s Kamp, and Camp Wamava.

Best to think of the “rules” as opportunities. No coffee. No energy drinks. No unprescribed speed. No sharing prescribed speed. No unprescribed cola. No bowls, bongs, spliffs, one-hitters, some-hitters, kooks, ludes, spanks, syringes, or nards. No paraphernalia except in skits. No peanut butter within thirty feet of the following campers: Piper, Caden, Braden, Persephone, Big John, Little Jack, Tall Eddie, and all three Britneys. No flasks. No flask pockets. No trench coats. No unregistered firearms. No colors that have been gang colors. No gangs. No unprovoked limping. No weakness. No allergies. No glasses. No thinking of pulling the Prank of the Century and then not doing it. No heat strokes during afternoon rec hour. No exemptions from afternoon rec hour. No boys in girls’ cabins. Leave room for the Spirit on the slow dance. Dance with everybody, especially the kitchen staff, especially poor, poor Puddy. In the event of confusing arousal, play some basketball. If that doesn’t help, Nurse Nadine’s muscle relaxants taste like Jolly Ranchers. If someone mocks you, laugh with them. During small groups, open up. During one-on-ones, be real. During quiet times, emote. No not singing. No unfun thoughts. No holding back. Half a forest got burned down for you to live it up.

I’m even a little surprised at how good it is to see you. It’s silly how we didn’t keep in touch all year like we said we would. And a lot of the blame falls in my court, considering you sent me that sweet letter in August and then those less sweet letters September through November. Notes I deserved, sure, but the issue being that while I was still obsessing over my reply to that first letter, trying to put to words exactly what I wanted to say, I got that second letter, which really froze me up. I had to shred the obsolete one and start all over. It might’ve been wise to exchange phone numbers and emails, but we’d bonded so much over Luddite anti-tech stuff, it felt so romantic to just. . And when your third note arrived right as I was finishing my second, which was getting really long and indulgent anyway, I had to just throw the whole thing out. After that, the school year got a hold of me, the upright bass, soccer season, and I looked up and it was June. But on the van ride over here, I started wondering if I’d see you, and I had all these positive thoughts about you and about the talks we had and about that last night of camp we shared and the rashes we were so sure we’d get since we couldn’t see a damn thing so deep in the woods, and about those sweet young promises we made to each other. Now here we are, smiling, all that stuff behind us, slates clean, fresh air, ready to laugh over new jokes. You’ve got to tell me what’s been going on with you, but hey, first, I want you to meet my girlfriend.

Now heed. There was once a young man whose convictions led him to vegetarianism. At every feast he attended, even in the presence of potent men, he eschewed meat. What I’m getting at is: Are you daring to boldly go? Are you being spoon-fed, physically, in the spiritual sense? If you don’t have anything you would die for, where then emotionally do you make your bed? Was it not the One Who Was who said, “You give them something to eat”? That abstinent young man’s name, by the way, was Hitler, but maybe we all could take a page — and hit the Devil with it. What’s your kampf? I mean that as a metaphor for struggle. You’re all at stake here, and I don’t mean Sizzler, Billy — I see Billy getting hungry over here; don’t worry Billy not much longer. If you taste the voice of the Lord on your heart in this day or could just use someone to smack your lips at, won’t you come forward as we stand. And as we sing.

Across the deck outside the mess hall is a clothesline for pinning warm fuzzies, little notes to make co-campers’ chests flutter with camaraderie. For example, a camper might write to me, “Dear Dave, Fun Camp is so great. I’m having the best time. Thank you for putting in so much work to make this a rewarding experience.” To which I’d reply, “Dear Madeline, Quit sucking up to the staff and write a note to someone your own age. I don’t need your validation, and neither does Fun Camp. It was here before you were born and will remain long after we’re both dead.” And now, look, we know each other better! All necessary paper, markers, glitter, and the whole bit await your creative destruction in the craft hut. Don’t be that mopey kid going, “ Still no warm fuzzies,” and then when I ask how many you’ve given, you say, “Well…” Likewise, standing by the clothesline shouting “refresh inbox!” wastes lungs and connotes desperation. Remember, you campers with less personality, it really is a numbers game — if you write enough notes, you’re gonna get a reply. Even telemarketers make a sale now and then.

You’re riding an elevator with a vacantly beautiful woman who pulls a wad of cash from her purse and says to you, “I’m going to use this to purchase a goat, which I will sacrifice to Satan.” Then she gets off the elevator and leaves the purse behind. Do you call out to her and return the purse? Do you remove the “goat money” and then return the purse? Do you keep the purse and the money, then run up her credit cards to be sure and disable her powers as a conduit of darkness? If so, would you only spend the money on donations to worthy charities or might you take a small portion of the money and buy a sandwich? And if that sandwich is a goat sandwich, are you really any better than the Satanist?

I know you all like hanging with the cool kids, and why not? Cool is cool. But the cool are autonomous. All they need is a pat on the back and a “keep doing what you’re doing.” Make no mistake, counselors — the losers are our projects here, and we don’t have much time. What makes this mentorship such a good deed is that the losers aren’t going to like getting molded any more than you’re gonna like molding. Unfun campers will absent themselves from contact with the staff any way they can think to: daydreams, fantasies, self-seclusion, negativism, loner-loitering, convulsive seizures, chronic sleepiness, and non-participation in activities such as skits, archery, rec hour, and Pranks of the Century. In our experience, persistent avoidance sends the message, “By absenting myself from fun, I will provoke you to retaliate. Your stern retribution will prove that you counselors are not as fun as you profess to be. Hence, you cannot help me.” Bullhonkey. What the child really fears are his own boring impulses. And they will be broken.