Belinda McKeon - Tender

Was this just irony, this dancing, this sheer, sheer happy love, now, or was this honesty?

* * *

Were you meant to actually know which one it was?

(She could not work out anything; she could not work out anything about how things were meant to be.)

And full throttle now.

* * *

And on the dance floor, on the balcony, on the stairwell: full capacity. All the bodies, reaching; all the bodies, arching; all the bodies, surging in an imitation of prayer—

(Except: no imitation.)

And sweating, and singing, and hands held high, and the song was sweeping them up now, the song was bringing them home, and again there was a choir in the background, but this time it was a happy choir, this time it was a choir and you could hear that they were smiling—

* * *

And yes, it felt like…

* * *

And on the stage, the dancers were incredible. The dancers were heaven. Their bodies like angels. Their smiles like light.

Like this was another country.

That was what Catherine saw.

Everyone chanting now. Everyone, now, just part of the chorus.

(And how many other songs were there from your childhood that turned out to be so much about your life? Not just your life, but everybody’s life? Everybody’s happiness? Everybody’s love?)

And so, so beautiful, James’s face now; so, so beautiful, his body, with his arms in the air. Sweat dark under the arms of his T-shirt, now, and sweat shining on his forehead. And a twist of something on his face, now: pure pleasure, and pure joy—

(Nothing, it hit Catherine, that she had seen before.)

He opened his eyes, and he smiled at her.

And Catherine reached out her hand.

And around his waist at that moment, other hands came, and other arms, and James leaned back into them, smiling, and James let fall; James let go.

* * *

James let everything go.

* * *

And the girls whooping and cheering as though they were at a concert, and as though James and Liam were the stars. As though, just by touching each other, just by dancing together the way they now were, they had walked out on stage, smiling at everyone—

(But they were only smiling at each other, Catherine saw.)

And the girls — the girls were smiling at each other, as though together they had achieved something, together they had brought something into being—

Slipping away from the two of them now, melting away discreetly from the group they had been, so that the group became a smaller one, and so that James and Liam were in a space all of their own—

* * *

And who could not be happy for them?

Who could not want to smile, just at the sight of them?

* * *

Five minutes later, Catherine was walking through the door of the Stag’s.

Conor, standing at the bar with some people she did not recognize. He studied her as she walked towards them. Her skin, she knew, still slick with sweat. Her hair still damp. Her eyes must have been wild.

Emmet—

“He’s gone, Citóg,” Conor said. “You couldn’t expect him to just keep waiting around for you.”

“No,” she said, her voice small and hollow.

“Do you want a pint?”

“No. I think I’ll go home.”

“Have a good summer, Citóg,” he said, and he gave her a hug.

And now: be good.

Now: be so, so good. Be good the way you had to be good; be good the way you told yourself you could be good, before—

Be good. Be good and then be still more good. Love is patient, remember. Love is kind. Love does not—

Love does not—

* * *

“We’re just friends, for God’s sake,” James said to Catherine, when he called around to Baggot Street the following evening. “It was just a bit of dancing, was all it was. It was just a bit of saying hello.”

“Oh-ho, Jimbo!” said Cillian, upon seeing him in the kitchen, and he put his hand up for a high five. James obliged, blushing, shaking his head, on his lips a shy, half-hidden smile.

“Good man, Jimbo,” said Cillian, slapping him hard on the back. “I hear the seal is well and truly broken. Fair fucking fucks to you. Literally.”

“About fucking time!” said Lorraine, as she came in, now, and she threw her arms around James. “Well!” she said, holding him back so that she could get a good, interrogative look at him. “Well?!”

* * *

(Love does not do any of the things that you ask it, nicely, to do.)

* * *

And James, constantly smiling now. Even when he was not actually smiling, it was there; he had become, somehow, a smile.

“I’m telling you, we’re just friends, ” he said to Lorraine again, when she teased him.

Something so content, so utterly delighted with itself, in his eyes.

And Catherine standing right there beside him, feeling as though she was choking on all of the questions that she did not dare to ask.

* * *

Mars enters your house of love today. This brings on a highly romantic time, a time for meeting new people. If attached, you may find your relationship deepening. If single, you may find that someone wearing blue is the key to future possibilities. This person may be from another place, geographically or emotionally, and you may not, at first, think of them as a likely candidate for your affections; but be open, Aries. Change is a positive thing. Be aware, too, that hot on the heels of Mars, in the same sector, is the planet Saturn, the planet of work and responsibility, which may seem to present an obstacle to the pursuit of love; but it does not have to be so. This person may be the key to a future change of career, or to other possibilities which will open your eyes and fill your heart with happiness. Tuesday is a particularly auspicious day for you.

Mars enters your house of love today. This brings on a highly romantic time, a time for meeting new people. If attached, you may find your relationship deepening. If single, you may find that someone wearing blue is the key to future possibilities. This person may be from another place, geographically or emotionally, and you may not, at first, think of them as a likely candidate for your affections; but be open, Pisces. Change is a positive thing. Be aware, too, that hot on the heels of Mars, in the same sector, is the planet Saturn, the planet of work and responsibility, which may seem to present an obstacle to the pursuit of love; but it does not have to be so. This person may be the key to a future change of career, or to other possibilities which will open your eyes and fill your heart with happiness. Tuesday is a particularly auspicious day for you.

Mars enters your house of love today. This brings on a highly romantic time, a time for meeting new people. If attached, you may find your relationship deepening. If single, you may find that someone wearing blue is the key to future possibilities. This person may be from another place, geographically or emotionally, and you may not, at first, think of them as a likely candidate for your affections; but be open, Cancer. Change is a positive thing. Be aware, too, that hot on the heels of Mars, in the same sector, is the planet Saturn, the planet of work and responsibility, which may seem to present an obstacle to the pursuit of love; but it does not have to be so. This person may be the key to a future change of career, or to other possibilities which will open your eyes and fill your heart with happiness. Tuesday is a particularly auspicious day for you.

* * *

Some evenings he met with her after work, but some evenings he was not available to do this. Now he emailed her, something he had only ever done, before, when he had been chasing her; when he had been lonely for her letters in Berlin, wondering where she was, what she was doing instead of writing to him.