Gonçalo Tavares - The Neighborhood

Influences

Mister Henri said, “Many millennia ago, the Chinese built a tower of happy influences. I read this in the encyclopedia. It was an exceedingly high tower constructed in order to ask, from much closer, the stars to help us mortals down here. If you ask the sun for help with your feet on the ground, the sun can’t hear you. The heavens hear giants better than dwarves. It’s mathematics. Therefore, when you wish to speak to the heavens, climb the highest tower and shout at the top of your voice. Here,” said Mister Henri, “the biggest problem faced by the vocally impaired is, undoubtedly, a lack of voice.”

A Lack of Hygiene

Mister Henri said, “The Celts believed that if you made a man deaf, that man would be your slave forever, because he could then not learn anything from anyone else. However, this was during an age when writing had not yet been invented. Nor had cinema. Nowadays it is necessary to make a man deaf and blind and cut off his hands and feet if you wish to make him your slave. It so happens that nowadays one absorbs information from every side of one’s body. Which, in my opinion, is an utter lack of hygiene.”

The Alphabet

Mister Henri said, “It seems that during the early years of Christianity someone was condemned for having written, ‘the Word entered through Mary’s ear.’”

Mister Henri asked for another glass of absinthe.

“I also know Taoist, Buddhist, and Hindu stories. It’s true that I was never very religious. But if the Church were a giant glass, full of absinthe, it would no longer be a full glass for me. But one must not speak of religion while drinking.

“Did you know that the Babylonians used the same word for ‘pain’ as ‘to eat’? Volume 2 of the encyclopedia, page 376. Instead of, for example, saying that their feet hurt they would say that their feet were eating their bodies.

“I also know things about astronomy and alchemy. I learned about alchemy before I learned about astronomy, because of the alphabet. For me, more important than any historical order is the fact that L comes before S,” said Mister Henri.

The Rainbow

Mister Henri said, “The rainbow was invented in 1656. I’m joking, of course.

“The difference between natural events and human events is that natural events have no date of invention,” he said. “Natural events are always far more ancient.

“A glass of absinthe, please,” he ordered.

“There are those who believe that nocturnal rainbows also exist, which we cannot see as we are blind.

“And I never really understood progress.

“We drink a glass of absinthe in exactly the same way as the inhabitants of ancient Rome. And they still talk of progress.

“Behold! This is an excellent absinthe.

“Absinthe was invented before intelligence. Now that is one of those rare, incontrovertible facts of history.”

Eternal Things

Mister Henri said, “This honorable establishment has had the honor of witnessing some of Mister Henri’s most famous speeches, yes, that’s me, standing before you, at this very moment.

“Another glass of absinthe, please,” he said.

“Today, for example, I am going to talk to you about the microscope. The microscope is an instrument that was invented to make small things greater, while politicians are instruments that were invented to make great things small. The microscope was invented in Holland in 1590.

“In my humble opinion, there should be a date that marks the invention of an instrument and a date that marks the disinvention of that very same instrument. When an invention has been superseded by other events, there should be a burial ceremony, with all the rituals of a grand farewell. Just like with people: a date of birth and a date of death. Rest in peace.

“However, there are some things that are eternal, of course. Things that never die. Things that never lose their value,” said Mister Henri.

“Another glass of absinthe please, my dear sir.”

And, while he savored his glass of absinthe, Mister Henri added, “Ah! Eternal things.”

The Two-Stroke Engine

Mister Henri said, “Today, I’m not going to touch a glass. So, by any chance, is there anyone here who would be so obliging as to pour absinthe down my throat? I’m joking,” said Mister Henri.

“Half the pleasure of drinking absinthe lies in holding the glass. Well, perhaps half is an exaggeration. I want a glass of absinthe filled to the very brim, and right away,” said Mister Henri.

“When I cease to frequent this establishment you, my dear sirs, are going to miss me. I am one of the great financiers of this honorable establishment.

“When viewed in a microscope slide, a king is but a set of worms in thirty different colors,” said Mister Henri. “The microscope was the most important invention for democracy. When viewed through a microscope a poor man has as many worms and as many colors as a king. If the microscope had not been invented, democracy would never have been invented. The Greeks were more or less a democracy without the microscope, which, in fact, caused great havoc.

“I’ve also found out about internal combustion engines. There are two-stroke engines and four-stroke engines. It’s exactly like a waltz, except that here — in engines — it’s insufferable in one way, while the waltz is insufferable in quite another.

“The only thing that doesn’t exist in a two-stroke fashion is death. If death were a two-stroke process, nobody would die because in the interval between the first stroke and the second stroke everyone would run away. Death is a one-stroke engine,” said Mister Henri. “Death is an engine that hits one bang on the head in one fell stroke.

“Another glass of absinthe, my dear sir.

“Glasses of absinthe should also be drunk in one stroke. It’s a sin to drink a glass of absinthe in two strokes. I thus wish to declare, in the midst of this extremely excellent establishment of drinks and drinks Ltd., that the eleventh commandment is: Thou shalt not drink a glass of absinthe in two strokes. And the twelfth commandment is: And even less so in three strokes. A glass of absinthe should be drunk in one go or shouldn’t be drunk at all.

“When one drinks, one does not stutter. That is, while singing and drinking nobody stutters.

“Another glass of absinthe, Your Excellency, because Mister Henri is about to make a toast.