Amanda Filipacchi - Love Creeps

“How can we be in water and not drink it?” Alan asked. “Why didn’t you warn us we’d be faced with that kind of temptation?”

“Don’t do it, Alan. Exercise some willpower,” said Lynn.

Two hours later, as the sun was setting, they saw what they thought was another shark, and Alan immediately resumed moving in a healthy-looking fashion.

“Sharks come out at night even more,” said Ray. “To feed.”

But it was only a dolphin.

Lynn couldn’t believe she was bobbing around in the middle of nowhere. She was a supersuccessful gallery owner. She was mad at herself for having followed Alan into the ocean. A life with so much potential, wasted. Not to mention the huge amounts of time she’d wasted stalking. She thought she deserved to die.

Night came. They were tired, cold, still thirsty, and now weak from hunger.

“I’m cold,” Alan said.

“Yes. Our bodies may be suffering, but our minds have never been healthier,” Ray said, to everyone’s exasperation. “Just think: The more we suffer now, the happier we’ll be later.”

“You’re sick,” Lynn said. “You need to see a therapist.”

Roland took a penny out of his pocket and stared at it in the moonlight. He released it under the water, watching it flip, flip, and fade.

Then he began moving his limbs energetically in the water.

“What are you doing?” Alan asked.

“Trying to warm up.”

“That’s a good idea,” Alan said, and began moving his body and limbs enthusiastically. Lynn and Ray did as well.

“But you have to make sure to move energetically and healthily,” Alan instructed. “That’s important. Lynn, your movements don’t look healthy enough. They look weak and tired. Put more vigor into them, or stop moving.”

“I’m tired,” said Lynn.

“Well, please hide it,” said Alan. “You might attract a shark who’ll then eat any one of us, not just those of us moving unhealthily. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“The problem with moving energetically,” said Ray, “is that it dehydrates you more quickly and burns a lot of calories, and those are not good things for us right now.”

They all stopped moving.

“But I’m cold!” Alan said.

Ray shrugged. “Well, then, decide which discomfort you dislike most. If you hate being thirsty, tired, and hungry, then stop moving. If being cold is even worse for you, then move.”

Lynn and Alan did not move. Roland moved. Ray was doing something in between.

Alan said, “Damn that girl who started the fire in my building, interrupting my suicide attempt. I could be happily dead right now, instead of dying.”

Eventually, in an effort to warm up further, they each took turns being in the middle of their circle, while the other three huddled around him or her.

They slept a little during the night, despite their fear of sharks. When the sun rose, they noticed Lynn had lost her hat. The men thought they ought to be gentlemanly and take turns lending her their hats. Roland and Alan debated which of them should give her extra time with his hat. Alan said he should be allowed to lend her his hat less time because he was bald and because she was his stalker. He said Roland should lend her his hat more of the time, because he was her stalker and should want to please her.

Roland said, “But I have black hair. Black attracts the heat more than a bald white head.”

“But my head will burn,” Alan said. “I’ll get a terrible sunburn as well as a sunstroke. Plus, you’re her stalker. You should lend her your hat! Can’t you do at least that for the person you’re supposedly obsessed with? I mean, what kind of obsession is this, anyway?”

“It’s true,” said Lynn to Roland. “What kind of puny, wimpy, selfish obsession is this, anyway?”

Roland threw his hat in her face.

“Ah, that is so refreshing!” Lynn said. “Does this mean you’ll stop stalking me?” She put the hat on her head.

“I’m getting tempted,” Roland said.

“Bravo!” Alan said. “And what about you, Lynn, are you getting tempted to stop stalking me?”

“Yes, but for other reasons. I just can’t believe I’m here. It’s stalking that brought me here. I don’t want to waste my life anymore.”

“Why are we even speaking as if we assume we’re going to live?”

“We have no choice,” Ray said. “How could we go on otherwise?”

“How could we not?” Roland rested his head against the puffy red life vest and closed his eyes. “It’s not as if we have a swift means of self-deliverance at our disposal.”

The three nuts got pissed off that Ray had not secretly arranged for them to be rescued. It was hard for Ray to convince them that no, he had not. They found it difficult to believe that he would risk giving up his good new life with a home and a revenue-generating occupation. They felt he was much more insane than they were.

During the day they saw two boats, one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and both in the far, far distance. They waved both times. Neither boat saw them.

“Max was so smart, the way he killed himself quickly, with cyanide,” Lynn said.

“Now that’s going out in luxury,” Alan agreed. “It’s like taking the Concorde to death. Whereas we’re getting there on the back of a tortoise.”

“Speed can be one of the most luxurious things in the world,” Lynn said.

Roland was not so interested in the topic, since he had murdered Max. “I know what our outcome will be,” he said, to change the subject.

“How would you know?” Alan asked.

“I just know. I will die, and you will all live.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because I’m not a good person.”

“So? We know you’re not a good person. You’re a complete jerk. But do you think life is fair?” Alan asked.

“No, but I’m even worse than you think.”

“Oh yeah? How?”

Roland sighed. “I have a huge capacity to hate. And I act on it.”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Alan. “You could be ten times more evil than you are, and that doesn’t mean you’re more likely to die than us, unfortunately. And it also doesn’t mean you’re less likely to have a happy life. That’s how life is. It sucks. This isn’t some Hollywood movie we’re living in. This is life. Which means you’ll probably live long and be happy, will never get punished for your assholiness, will never get what’s coming to you, will not reap what you sow, and we the good people will probably be miserable or die young.”

Lynn and Ray nodded in agreement.

“I appreciate your efforts at comforting me,” Roland said.

“It’s the grim truth,” Alan said.

“Why don’t they make more movies where the bad guys don’t get punished? I mean, it’s so much more realistic,” Lynn said.

“Because it’s depressing,” Ray said.

“That’s true,” Roland said. “Why would people want to see anyone get away with murder?”

“Because it’s real. How’s that?” cried Alan. “Don’t you think people could handle it? Don’t you think it would in fact be beneficial to society to be aware that the world sucks?”

“They do know,” answered Ray. “They just don’t want to be reminded of it in their entertainment. It’s not pleasant.”

“Well, except for the Europeans,” said Roland, treading the ocean with an air of superiority.

“What do you mean?” Ray asked.

“They frequently have two different endings for movies — the ending for the American market, and the ending for the rest of the world. In The Big Blue , the hero at the end drowns in the ocean, but for the American release, they made him swim off into the sunset with a dolphin.”

“I don’t believe you,” Alan said.