Amanda Filipacchi - Love Creeps

She got up, walked over to him, leaned down, and gently kissed him on the lips. They liked each other quite a lot. He got up and said he had to leave again to tend to something in the hotel.

She remained in the room, perplexed, wondering what she should do.

Ten minutes later he came back, took off his codpiece, donned a condom, lifted Jessica in the air, and impaled her with his erection.

“Life is too short not to have sex all the time, don’t you think?” he said.

“Yes,” she agreed.

Alan and Lynn, seated next to an open window, were eating dinner while Max buzzed around their table, being friendly, serving steak and baked potatoes to them and the two other couples. The air was unusually warm and pleasant for an October evening. Hiding right outside, in the darkness, dropping a penny, was Roland. He could hear every word they said.

Roland was stunned when he saw Max sit at their table and say, “You guys really make an excellent couple.”

Roland yanked out his cell phone and dialed Max’s cell number. He saw Max look at his ringing phone, sigh, and say to them, “It’s him again.”

“Hello?” Max answered the phone, kindly.

“Are you with them right now?” Roland asked, as he always did, except now his voice was a tight whisper.

“Yes,” Max said.

“Okay, so I’ll only ask you yes or no questions.”

“Okay. Why are you whispering?”

“Because I’m … in a public place … in a bookstore.”

“Ah, I see,” Max said, then placed his hand over the mouthpiece and said to Alan and Lynn, “Roland is hounding me with questions about you guys. So pathhhhhetic.”

Roland heard him through the open window.

“Hello? Are you still there?” Max asked into the receiver.

“Yes,” Roland whispered.

“What else do you want to know?”

“Are you treating them badly?” Roland asked, feeling weak.

“Oh, yes!” Max replied, pouring Alan more wine.

Roland winced in the darkness. After a pause, he asked, “Are they having fun?”

“No,” Max answered.

“Does Lynn … seem to like him?”

“Lord, no.” Max put his hand over the mouthpiece again and said to Alan and Lynn, “Can you believe it? He’s asking me if you guys have had sex yet!”

Outside, Roland felt faint. “Okay, thank you,” he said.

“That’s it?” Max asked, sounding almost disappointed.

“Yes, thank you for all your help.” Roland hung up. He had known for most of his life that he was probably not the nicest sort of person. Nevertheless, he never thought he’d have an urge to kill anyone other than himself. But suddenly, to his dismay, nothing seemed more important than to kill Max. The necessity and certainty of the act made him feel helpless, and he resigned himself to it.

Sunday afternoon, Lynn and Alan were lying by the pool.

Flipping through a fashion magazine, Lynn asked him, “If you didn’t have a girlfriend, would you be interested in me?”

“Romantically?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Why?” she asked, shocked.

“Because that would be taking advantage of you. You are not lucid. You’re a stalker now.”

“Cut the bullshit! If I were lucid, would you be interested?”

“Stalkers are not appealing.”

“But you stalked me. And first! You used to want me so badly! Don’t you remember?”

“People change.”

“But I haven’t. I’m still the same person you wanted before.”

“No, you’re not. You are creepier now. But I’ve been there. I don’t blame you.”

Lynn’s voice was becoming strained. “Okay, okay, what if I were not a stalker, but just … reasonably interested in you, would you … could you then be interested in me romantically?”

“Hmm, no, it would never work, with our history of me having stalked you and humiliated myself so much.”

“Not half as much as I’m humiliating myself!”

“First of all, that’s arguable, and second of all, that’s not a good argument.”

It meant nothing to her what happened after that. “I don’t want to drive back with you. I’m taking the train home.” She marched into the hotel and packed her things. Within a half hour, she was gone.

Having done everything he could to help Lynn and Roland get back together, Alan decided to stay one more night at the inn to relax and enjoy his newfound freedom from his stalker.

Early the next morning he would drive back to the city. He called his apartment to tell Jessica his plans, but his girlfriend wasn’t answering. He left a message. He hadn’t been able to reach her since he’d left the city. He hoped she was doing okay and not overly jealous, but he wasn’t too worried, because she’d told him she might spend the weekend with her friend Mary.

He called Roland’s cell phone to give him a report of how the weekend had ended. Roland was in his rented car, parked on the side of the road, right at the end of the driveway that led to the inn. He was waiting for the few guests to check out, as they were bound to do on a Sunday night, so that he could be alone with Max and put an end to him. One couple had already left, and he saw Lynn leave in a taxi.

When Roland answered his cell phone, Alan said, “Lynn left without me. She’s mad at me.” Alan thought this would please Roland.

“And you? Are you leaving now?” Roland asked.

“Uh, no, I’m going to stay one more night.”

That was very inconvenient for Roland, who didn’t want to have to sleep in his car overnight waiting for Max to be alone. “Why?” he said.

“To unwind.”

“Don’t you have to be at work tomorrow?”

“I’ll go in late.”

“Can’t you unwind at home with your girlfriend?”

“I don’t think my girlfriend’s at home. I’m here, I might as well unwind here. Why do you ask?”

“I want my car back.”

“Is it urgent?” Alan asked.

“Yes! I want it back now.”

“I’m really not up for driving back right now, after all this stress with Lynn. I’m afraid I’d have an accident.”

“I need my car back now.”

“Why is it so urgent?”

Roland couldn’t come up with a good reason. “Because the deal was you could have the car until Sunday night. That’s it. I want my car back tonight. Stick to your word, as you say.”

“I’m tired. You’re being unreasonable. I’ll drive back in the morning.”

Roland sighed. “God, you’re such a jerk.” He could not wait for an opportunity to beat up Alan. He came up with a way he could treat himself to it after visiting Max. “Okay, I want my car back tomorrow morning. I’ll be going to the field of Lynn’s love, because, you never know, maybe that map-reading professor was right and it’ll increase my chances of Lynn falling back in love with me. The field is on your way back into Manhattan. You can pick me up there, and we can drive together.”

He gave Alan directions to the field and told him to meet him there at eight-thirty the following morning. He added, “Do you think you’ll find it, with your poor sense of direction?”

“I’ll find it,” Alan said.

“By the way, Max is kind of a jerk, isn’t he?” Roland asked.

“Yeah, he goes a bit overboard with the preferential treatment and the luxuries and the compliments.”

Roland was reassured that he had neither misunderstood nor misinterpreted what he had heard through the window.

Alan was still lying by the pool. Max came up to him and said, “I’m sorry Lynn left in such a huff.”

“Oh, I know, it’s a shame, but probably unavoidable. Maybe for the best.”

“What time will you be checking out?”

“Seven o’clock tomorrow morning.”

“You’re welcome to help yourself to anything you want in the kitchen when you wake, in case I’m not up yet.”