Amanda Filipacchi - Love Creeps

Then the teacher made the mistake of stepping out of the classroom for a few minutes. Roland still refused to trade beads. Alan’s sense of injustice mounted. In a moment of frustration, he secretly, discreetly, placed his three golden topaz beads, one by one, in his mouth, and swallowed them. He figured their creative powers would be more effective absorbed into his bloodstream.

Lynn saw what he was doing, was at first disturbed, but when she realized the logic, thought it was clever, and began swallowing the love beads.

Roland saw her, was horrified, and a moment later was doing the same, guzzling down pink quartz to win Lynn’s love, as well as golden topaz to bug Alan.

The beads were rolling around on the table, as the three bead-eaters made a grab for them.

Lynn’s cell phone rang. She was reluctant to interrupt her quest for beads, but on the third ring, she answered her phone. It was Arthur Crackalicci, one of her very rich clients. A year ago he had bought a painting for a hundred thousand dollars, which was her biggest sale.

“Patricia is being very secretive as to your whereabouts, Lynn,” he said to her now.

“That’s because she doesn’t know where I am,” Lynn said, antsily eyeing Alan, who was devouring the wisdom beads of extraterrestrial origin in hopes of improving his map-reading.

“Great art opening, but you disappeared before I could say hello. Of course, I can’t be offended since you did the same to Aggie. My God, Lynn, Aggie of all people. Everyone was quite impressed. Now they think you’re more mysterious than ever. Who are you fucking? Who is more important than Aggie? I can’t think of anyone. Wait, is it the White House? Is that where you went? Where are you now?”

“I’m in beading class, Arthur.”

“Say again?”

“Beading class,” she enunciated.

“Why should you be embarrassed? Beading is a fine activity, I’m sure.”

“I’m not embarrassed.”

“Then why all the secrecy?”

“I didn’t know I was going to beading class until I got here.”

“Is this a new lifestyle you’re trying out? The Don’t-know-where-I’m-going-until-I-get-there lifestyle? The Walk-out-on-the-president-of-the-MoMA-for-an-unknown-destination-which-could-turn-out-to-be-beading-class lifestyle?”

“Sort of,” Lynn said.

“Well, I don’t want to keep you,” Arthur Crackalicci said, sighing. “I also wanted to know if you currently have some of Charlie Santi’s work, because a friend of mine wants to drop by your gallery next week to see some.”

“I sure do. Great stuff. You should see his recent work. Tell your friend to come over, and you should come, too. I’ll talk to you soon.” She hung up.

Interestingly, the tourmalines were left largely untouched, undoubtedly because the bead-eaters thought they could reach nirvana faster by eating specific facets of happiness. They also didn’t partake of the addicts’ beads, the memory beads, the success beads, the organizational beads, or the antijealousy beads, except one or two, by accident.

Once all the most useful beads were in their stomachs, the bead-eaters resumed their beading.

“I feel even more creative than before,” Roland said, glancing at Alan slyly. “It’s all that golden topaz I ate.”

When the teacher came back, she wondered aloud where all the rose quartz and golden topaz had gone.

One of the other students said, “They ate them.”

More of the students confirmed this, and one added, “They’re nuts.”

Roland and Lynn did not feel the need to explain or deny anything. They remained silent, staring down at the table. Alan, however, apologized, tried to make the teacher forgive him, feel sorry for him, not kick him out of the class. He gave her a sob story about being so artistically disinclined, and how he desperately wanted to try to squeeze some tiny drop of artistic ability out of himself, or into himself, or whatever, and he couldn’t stand the fact that Roland was better at it than he was.

“Do any of you see a therapist?” the teacher asked.

“I see a massage therapist,” Alan said.

That night, the bead-eaters had stomachaches, particularly Alan. Jessica asked him whether he had eaten anything bad. He wouldn’t have minded confessing to the bead-eating part, because that was merely deranged, but he didn’t want to confess to the taking-a-beading-class part, because that was embarrassing, and he’d rather seem deranged than pathetic.

So finally, he said, “I bought you a necklace, and I put it in a bag of candy I had bought for myself, and somehow the necklace broke in the bag, and all the beads were loose, mixed in with the candy, so of course, I ate many of them, thinking they were the candy.”

“You didn’t notice you were eating rocks? That’s very strange,” Jessica said, looking at him as he sat on his white easy chair holding his stomach.

“No, I didn’t notice,” Alan said. “They were round, and polished. How could I know?”

“Hmm,” Jessica said, petting Pancake. She knew very well that Alan had made the necklace and not bought it, but as to why he had eaten it, she had no idea.

“Oh, by the way,” Alan said, “they were golden topaz beads, supposed to increase creativity, according to that New Age crap. I wonder if eating them is more potent than wearing them.”

So now she knew. “Who knows. You may feel very creative later, while defecating your golden topaz.”

At the attorney general’s office, Roland’s office manager took Roland aside and said, “You know, it’s a little disturbing that you said you were going to be at a meeting at Marty Bernstein’s office, but then when we tried to reach you there, he said there was no meeting.” He paused. “Is there some problem we can help you with? You’ve been out during the day a lot lately.”

Weeks passed. Summer classes ended. After a great deal of thought, Alan decided not to register for the fall semester. First, he knew his stalkers would follow him, and he wanted to minimize their interactions. Second, he felt he had improved himself and his life enough, and he wanted to devote more time to his girlfriend. Third, he had always looked at the classes as a crutch, and he wanted to prove to himself he no longer needed them to be happy.

He realized his stalkers, particularly Lynn, must be feeling frustrated now that the classes were over. He wondered why she never tried to follow him into a Stalkaholics Anonymous meeting. Little did he know she was always there, in disguise. But Alan’s sense of observation was no better than his sense of direction, so he never noticed. Plus, he was very trusting and unsuspicious by nature.

At his SA meeting, he talked to the group about how annoying it was to be stalked. The group complained that he was drifting away from the topic of the meetings. The topic was: how distressing it was to stalk, not to be stalked. Alan apologized and said they were right. So then he talked about how he sometimes had the urge to stalk his girlfriend. Or even just stalk strangers walking down the street. “It’s been a big help, though, being stalked by Lynn. It’s been helping me see how unattractive it is, how much I don’t want to be like that. And it really decreases my temptation to stalk again. The best thing that could happen to any of you is to have someone stalk you.”

As he was talking, Lynn discreetly began to cry. No one thought it was strange, because people sometimes cried during the meetings.

As time passed, Ray the homeless man was having more and more difficulty handling the change in the stalking order. The mystery of it was hard to bear. But he would not give in to his curiosity, would not ask them questions. When they passed, he closed his eyes and held his breath, to minimize his sensory contact with such tempting creatures. But in his mind, he screamed, Why have you changed direction? Why have you changed your order? WHYYYYYYYYY?????