Conrad Aiken - Blue Voyage

“I can’t eh? Well, tellin’ me won’t stop me!”

“Sure he anted. It was me that didn’t ante.”

“All right, all right, my mistake. No hard feelin’s, pardner.”

“—and the parrot said, ‘By God, if she had that cut, and lived, there’s hope for me!’”

“Ha ha ha!”

“I’ll ask you a question you can’t answer, Paddy … Who was it drove the Danes out of Ireland? Eh?”

“St. Patrick.”

“Ah-h-h-h-h! G’wan with you. It was Brian Boru … And do you know who it was used to make wine out of the whorts? I’ll bet you don’t know that either.”

“I don’t know, and I don’t give a damn … Who was it?”

“Ah, you don’t know nothin’. It was the Danes.”

(“ My throte is cut into the nekke bone!” seyde this child … Bored Silberstein. Deliberately, in that particular way. Coming the highbrow. Why did I do it? Some sort of relief — catharsis. Too bad we had to stop when we did. A good thing we had to stop when we did. I’d have told him everything. I’d have told him about — Why did I lie to him about her physical attraction? But I only recognized the lie as I told it. So did he. She was pure as the snow, but she drifted. PURE as the snow, but she drifted. And the next time I met her she was all dressed in black. Back. Smack. Crack. Clack. Attack. Golden engine and silver track. The golden engine on the silver track. I am wounded with a deep wound. ὄτατοι ποποὶ δα. He prescribed whisky — hemostatic and astringent. Whisky; and a modest prayer.)

“—Mexico, if a girl is married, and her husban’ find out she is not — what you call? verges ? — he take her back to her father and mother. And so, everybody know; and she have no more chances. No, sir.”

“Is that so.”

“Is that so.”

“— plough mus’ plough

And the bull mus’ bull … ”

The cow mus’ cow ,

And the bull mus’ bull …”

“—and if I was to tell you the Soo Canal flows uphill— ahip! — you wouldn’t believe it, would you, and you’d think you was smart!.. but what I’m tellin’ you is facts and figures … I was workin’ there for three—”

“And he put his head out and yelled, ‘Hey ! How do you expect me to find my ring when there’s a guy in here lookin’ for his motor bike!’”

“Ha ha ha ha!”

“Such is the life of the Queen of Spain.”

“Three months of leisure, then—”

“A triple whisky, steward.”

“ Triple ? yes, sir.”

“—and the girl, she said, ‘But, mama! how you can be sure this trick will work? How you can be sure it will fool my fiancé ?’ … And mama, she say, ‘Well, I ought to know! It’s the same way I fooled your old man!’ Ha ha! And the old man, he was under the girl’s bed all the time, listening! Ha ha!.. That was a good one, eh?”

“Another jackpot. Who can open it?”

“Nobody can open it.”

“Sweeten the pot, then, boys!”

“ Triple whisky, sir. Thank you.”

“Thank you.”

“—and all the time she went on scrubbin’ the floor, scrubbin’ the floor. And then she said, without turnin’ round her head to see who it was, ‘Niggerman, Ah ain’t seen yo’ face — and Ah don’ know yo’ name; but lemme tell you, Ah’s here every Friday afternoon—’”

“Hello! is that the foghorn?”

“Somebody said there was a—”

“Good evening, Major.”

“Good evening, Mr. Demarest.”

“You’ve been very inconspicuous all day? We’re suspicious of you. How’s the Welsh Rarebit?”

“I feared there might be suspicions! He he ! That’s the worst of attaching oneself to anything so flagrant. Everyone knows, unfortunately, that the attachment can only be—”

“Naturally!”

“Well, believe me, she’s a hot one. And she’s all there, too.”

“You aren’t suggesting that she’s intelligent?”

“Dear me, no! She hasn’t the intelligence of a — barn door. But she’s all there physically.”

“Oh, physically. So Ashcroft said.”

“Ashcroft? What does he know about it?”

“She went up to his room last night. He told Hay-Lawrence about it.”

“Did she! Well, I’ll be damned. Went to his room!”

“Yes, twelve o’clock last night. He told her how to get there — up in the first cabin, you know — and she carried a book, so as to pretend she was just returning it, in case any question arose. But it all went off quite successfully. She’s got plenty of nerve, all right.”

“Well, I’ll be — hoodooed! That’s why she’s been—”

“—what?”

“—stalling.”

“She stalled with Ashcroft. He was mad as a wet hen. All she would do was fool about with him. He finally booted her out.”

“Oh!.. Well, that’s just the conclusion I had come to — that she’s a teaser. What they call a ‘mugger.’”

“You ought to be thankful.”

“Oh, anything to pass the time!.. Did I tell you she wants me to take her out to Mespot with me?… Yes, she’s begging me to take her, as a housekeeper. I can see the face of the General’s wife if I turned up with Peggy Davis in tow! Great Heavens … She dropped a pretty broad hint that there would be more to it than housekeeping.”

“I don’t doubt there would.”

“You know, there’s something fascinating about a woman like that — I suppose there must be something wrong with her. Some sort of twist. I wish I could make out that husband business. She showed me pictures of him, all right — but the whole thing seems a little wanky. She reminds me of a girl that picked me up in a theater in Cincinnati.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. The same type … It was a funny thing. I had an overcoat on my lap, and all of a sudden I felt something tickling me. At first I thought it was accidental. I waited a little and it began again. It was quite dark, you know — some scene with a spotlight on the stage, and the rest of the lights turned out. And this girl was, very timidly, exploring under my coat with her hand — trying to find my hand … He he ! She approached and retreated several times before she succeeded, and when she did succeed she gave a jump, and withdrew her hand again. Only for a minute, though — back it came. First, just our little fingers kept foolishly tapping each other. It was ridiculous. Then she suddenly became bolder, and slid her hand right over on top of mine — and after that, things became really riotous. And then came the joke. Do you know what she was?”

“No — what?”

“A social service investigator!”

“What! No.”

“Yes, sir, a social service investigator. She was connected with a college hospital out there. Someone told her there was lots of ‘picking up’ in the vaudeville theaters, so she thought she’d investigate. Anyway, that’s what she said. So she investigated me !.. It was quite apparent, however, that the investigation wasn’t disinterested. She was out for adventure, in her half-scared little way.”

“Well, I’ll be hanged.”

“Rum, what? as the English say … Well, it’s early, but I’m off. Have a nightcap?”

“No, thanks, I’m half tight already. I guess I’ll turn in myself. I was just on the point when you came in … Good night.”

“Good night.”

Single Stroke. Trembling .

Follow Red Arrow To Boat Station No. 2 .

Gentlemen .

142–156.

Boddy-Finch Lifejacket .

— Is that you, Demarest?

— Yes, this is Demarest. Who is that speaking, please?

— This is Demarest Two-prime. How do you do.