Karan Mahajan - Family Planning

“You talk such nonsense. Are you trying to be a poet like Vajpayee? Now give the file.”

“Which file?” Sunil asked.

“You just said you had given it to me. Now you’re asking which file?”

“Sir—”

“The file from the Ministry of Minorities!” Mr. Ahuja yelled, turning around now. His nose felt sufficiently frozen.

“Oh sir.”

“What?” Mr. Ahuja asked. “What?”

“It is under the bird’s beak only.”

It was. He knifed open the envelope with his thin index finger and took out a poorly cyclostyled one-page document. It was a bill entitled Diversity of the Motherland Act . The bill, buttery in his hands, paper-cut thin, see-through in the muted light, to be voted on ten days from now, was a pernicious almost-fascist document, calling for the compulsory registration of all Muslims “for reasons of diversity and national security”—a document Mr. Ahuja recognized because he had so vehemently opposed it at the cabinet meeting two weeks ago.

The author? Vineet Yograj. The head of the infamous, eponymous Yograj Commission. Perfect. This was all he needed. Vineet Yograj was his nemesis.

Mr. Ahuja usually dictated his letters on the move, but today he sat down at his desk and rattled away at his keyboard.

Dearest Shrimati Rupa-ji:

I hope this finds you in the best of health and wealth. I decided to write to you in the eleventh hour about our fellow party member Vineet Yograj — a man towards whom I harbour, if you recall, the same level of affection I feel for the Pakistani cricket team, George Bush, and the advent of the tiny triangular wedge of hair grown by men between the age of twenty-one and thirty-one under their lower lips. I apologise in advance for ranting; more is to follow; in the course of this letter I may well resign; heaven help us if I do.

Etc. Etc.

Firstly, I would like to address the Diversity of the Motherland Act. I am so moved by this communal anti-Muslim document that as a companion I suggest the following — A bill to legalise betting over the outcome (i.e., death toll) and frequency (i.e., when) of Hindu-Muslim communal riots in India and to achieve this by allowing for the trading of Riot Stocks. Let us call this the Riot Stock Exchange Bill. If we are going to kill people, let us at least make money off it!

(Enclosed)

On the subject of money, three days ago I discovered that the Honourable Secretary Vineet Yograj had harnessed the loose morals of several key individuals in the Urban Ministry using chains made of gold and was awarding contracts for flyovers to the DharmaLok Company, run, as you are aware, by his son-in-law Vir Pranam Bakshi, former alleged rapist. The DharmaLok Company is best known for its exquisitely substandard materials, gross overcharging of the Ministry and a standard rate of dividing the surplus “funds” between good members of the PWD (20 %) and Vineet Yograj’s family (80 %). Worse, it seems that I have acquired such a reputation for honesty and associated evangelism that Yograj didn’t even see fit to offer me the standard Ministerial share of 5 % (I am joking, of course!). If he had, I would of course have taken the black-money and not come true on my end of the bargain. Furthermore, I would have been able to intervene before my wonderful Cabinet Secretary for Urban Development added a full twenty-five extra flyovers for the corridor near Rohini — two to be constructed over primary schools, three over Heart Institutes, and one over a — yes — another flyover (this is not Shanghai!).

Of course, there is also the problem of Yograj’s social behaviour, which, I must admit, as a long-standing member of this party, I find disturbing. When not engaged in petty corruption that could ruin the future of an entire city — the country’s capital, that too — he is well occupied by the pursuit of making a complete and utter ass of himself at social gatherings, on TV shows, and at weddings. His favourite and most detestable move is to introduce himself as the “Hony. Secretary” of the party. “Hony” not “Honorary.” You will be surprised how many people know the English word for randiness that I am covertly referring to; one MP from a province of U.P. who is good friends with Yograj and who I will not name was the first to point it out. I think it is unfortunate that the whole country is having a hearty laugh at the expense of one of our spokespeople.

Then there is the issue of the Grandfatherly Peck he was found giving to children under the age of five. No additional description by me can further fertilize the field day the newspapers had.

Finally, are you aware that he has brought about a motion to change the symbol of the party?

(The original party image for the KJSZP [H2O2] Party was a bar of soap with an inverted, spiky bottle-cap pressed under it. The image was one of cleanliness, improvisation, urban thrift — of keeping your soap elevated above the sink so as to prevent it from slowly dissolving away at the point of contact. Unfortunately, during the Kargil War, it was discovered, in a random survey, that most people simply thought the contraption was an overturned, defeated battle-tank. Further, because wars in India generated universal patriotism — there was no question of being peace-mongers for Pakistan — volunteers for the party over the years had been taught to stick posters upside-down, keeping the tank erect. Ready for firing as it rolled about on its soapy wheels.)

The new symbol he is suggesting is a flyover with a cow stationed under it. Not only is this a personal affront to me, but it is also a major misunderstanding of our goals: one, we do not want to encourage cows to seek any kind of housing — whether temporary or permanent — under flyovers, and two, has Mr. Yograj forgotten that nearly 80 % of this country lives in the villages and has never seen this much vaunted flyover?

The point, quite simply, is that Yograj is not a country-man.

Worse, Yograj is not a party-man.

Which is why I will not tolerate Yograj’s presence in the party one more minute. I do hope you will take the needful action; it is long overdue; I have asked you before. This should be a fairly straightforward process. I have clear proof that Vineet Yograj has interfered in the Flyover Fast-Track Project. Therefore, I am hardly out-of-line in asking that action be taken against him. Indeed, I am ready to give up everything for this cause.

For instance, my Minister-ship.

Please accept my resignation.

Your Humble Servant,

Rakesh Ahuja.

Something had happened in the writing: Rakesh felt transformed. His vital signs were skyrocketing. He slapped his blue chair into a violent swirl and watched it dervish to a stop. He knew his resignation letter to the Super Prime Minister (SPM) had gotten out of hand. His rage had edited out everything but the most forthright expressions of rudeness ( I do hope you will take the needful action; it is long overdue; I have asked you before ). Just like frowning itself can generate sadness in a person (rather than vice versa), the act of resignation had flexed Mr. Ahuja’s latent musculature of revenge, heightening his sense of disgust not only with Yograj but also with the SPM, Rupa Bhalla. Yes, it was she Rakesh was most disappointed in — Yograj was scum, he expected nothing better from him — but the SPM had encouraged his more idealistic tendencies and then stood by as his Flyover Fast-Track was summarily junked.

When she’d come to power, she’d given him his portfolio of choice — the Ministry of Urban Development — and routinely congratulated him for running a “tight ship.” Rakesh too was overjoyed, foolishly energetic, puffing up his chest on his stupid tight ship. He had spent years studying sustainable design as a hobby, and his suppressed civil engineering knowledge had thrummed out in straight, thick, confident lines from the left-brain when he came to power.