Regan Wolfrom - Catholic Guilt and the Joy of Hating Men

He seemed to like it.

As we kept talking I decided that Quinn was actually pretty funny. He had a knack both for making me laugh and always keeping me a little on edge about whether or not he actually thought I was worth his time, even taking care to make light fun of women’s softball. His dating technique was dead on.

“Tell me something truly titillating about The Wolfman,” I said as I started my second bottle of beer. He hadn’t brought enough of it; if that Brooklyn boy was trying to get me drunk he didn’t know a lot about Michiganders. It would take at least my own six pack to make this girl honk like a goose.

“Not much to tell,” he said. “Got married too soon, divorced too late. I’ve been twenty years without a chocolate egg cream.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“Indescribable. One day you’ll have to find out for yourself.”

“Okay. What else?”

“Well… let’s see… I live in the moment, but I think you know that.”

“Half the women in town know that.”

He laughed. “I doubt it’s half. But I’m not ashamed of what I am.”

I gave him a smirk. “I’d be a little ashamed of girls like Anastasia Braun if I were you.”

“You didn’t like her,” he said. “But she had her charms. Believe me.”

He was starting to lose his touch.

“I’ll bet all it takes to get you going is for a girl to be blonde and pretty,” I said. “I don’t think I’d call either of those things charms.”

“I like more than just blondes.”

“Sure. I’ll bet you were with a blonde last night. Probably tall, skinny, and young. God… don’t tell me you went out with that skanky new girl at the lemonade stand. She looks downright diseased.”

I told myself to dial it back, but I knew by then I’d already spewed enough crazy that it shouldn’t matter anymore.

“I was with an older woman, actually,” Quinn said. “Interesting, but a little odd…”

“And how did it end?” I don’t know why I even asked. With my luck he was talking about Sandra.

“It fizzled out.”

“So you won’t be sampling her again?”

“I think last night was it for her, actually. I doubt I’ll ever see her again.”

I sighed. “I don’t know how you can want that. One night stands… women you don’t even care about.”

“I know,” he said, sounding all sensitive. “I guess there’s just something inside of me… some hunger for the chase. I know I shouldn’t like it so much.”

I was trying to keep the new approach from working, but somehow that bullshit was wearing me down.

Fucking shit. He was winning.

“So you think it’s wrong?” I asked. “Treating women like that?”

“I don’t know what I think. Honestly, Vanessa… I just don’t know.”

He leaned in and put his hand on my thigh.

Definitely my thigh.

“I guess we’re getting close to the kiss,” I said. It was all so contrived, but I didn’t really want to stop him.

He nodded and went for it. It was good. Probably too good. I like a little inexperience.

“My bed sucks,” I said. “It feels like laying on cardboard. You don’t want to try anything here.”

“That’s not what this is,” he said. “It’s not about your bed.”

He gave me another kiss, quick and soft.

“You’re the most beautiful creature in the world,” he said. “My soul aches for yours.”

I let out a giggle. “That’s some bad poetry right there.”

“Yeah… but I mean it.”

“Okay,” I said. “Um… thanks?”

He frowned. “I should go,” he said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And that was that. He left without giving me a chance to come up with a coherent response.

It worked. I could feel my knees buckling even as I sat.

The Wolfman knew his audience.

I’d almost fallen asleep when I heard the knock on my door. It was midnight and I’d completely forgotten about the pervy kid from Marquette or wherever and our little game of show-and-tell.

I let him in but I didn’t invite him to sit down. I just wanted to get it over with.

From his stupid grin he looked like he’d also brought along some condoms. And I could see that he still had those lame-ass fangs jammed into his mouth.

“C’meerrr,” he said. “Show me the goods.”

“You’re kidding.”

He laughed. “Yup. But seriously… I do want to see them.”

“See what?”

“The gills. I know about them.”

“Gills?”

“You’re really bad at this game,” he said. “I know about the gills, and I know what you are.”

“Wow… meth is a helluva drug.”

“Your ocean spirit… inside of you.”

I was sure the shock on my face was pretty clear. Somehow he just knew, like he’d found a photo of me on Wikipedia, some badly-written and poorly-sourced article telling him just who I was.

“What do you want from me?” I asked. “I don’t have any money, and I’m sure as hell not giving you the other thing.”

“I take what I want,” he said.

He didn’t lunge or anything. He just glared at me.

I wasn’t sure if he expected some kind of capitulation on my part, like I was just going to sigh and lie on my back and think of England’s soccer stars.

I punched him square in the eye.

He fell back and smacked the back of his head against the wall.

“Get out of my camper,” I said. “I don’t want to see you around here again.”

“I know what you are,” he said.

“You mentioned that, yeah.”

“But yuh don’t know what I am.”

“A pervy virgin with terrible facial hair. Got it.”

“I am the wolf,” he said. “Just like my father and his father.”

“Ah… the fangs. I get it.”

“I want to keep you safe, Shinju… I want you to be happy, my pearl.”

It was like a whole new level of creepy… scary creepy.

“You need to leave,” I said. I sounded good and tough. But then I faltered. “Please…”

He could sense the weakness there, and he went for it. He tried to grab me but I pulled away. He gripped at my hair but I gave him a swift knee to the stomach… he was shorter than most men I’d had to kick, so I missed my intended target by a good three inches.

I followed up the knee with another eye-punch, and soon the boy was on the floor.

That’s what he looked like now… a boy. A stupid, pervy little boy.

What was I supposed to do with that?

“You need to go,” I said.

He slowly stood.

“Did you hear me?” I asked.

He nodded.

“This can be it,” I said. “Just leave me alone from now on and I won’t mention this to anybody.”

He nodded again and started towards the door.

I took a deep breath.

He came at me, trying to wrap his arms around my neck.

I realized that the little idiot was hoping to choke me out. That shit never ends well.

I sent out my knee again. I didn’t misjudge the height.

And then I pushed him out of the camper myself.

I locked the door and dug out my baseball bat to keep by my bed.

I opened my third Stroh’s and sucked it down like a frat boy. It didn’t help. It just gave me gas and made it that much harder to sleep.

But I did fall asleep eventually.

When I heard another knock I sleepily grabbed the wood bat and stumbled towards the door. It was still dark and I was still supposed to be sleeping.

“Go fuck yourself,” I said to whoever it was.

“Jeez-o-pete, Ness,” I heard my uncle say.

I opened the door and let him in. He looked a little ragged and very stressed out. More so than usual.