Jia Pingwa - Ruined City

“Hair-growing magic?” Niu Yueqing was intrigued. “But every nun has to shave her head. Why are you doing that?”

“We’ve known each other for some time, so I’ll honest with you. Yes, every nun has to shave her head, but I was the opposite; I became a nun because I had no hair. I had a full head of thick hair until I was eighteen, but I lost every strand that summer. A hairless woman is not a woman at all, so I avoided going out for six months before finally deciding to become a nun at Mount Zhongnan. Then I attended a Buddhist college. But now I want hair; I want hair to grow on my head so I can shave it off. This hair-growth lotion comes from Beijing and is very effective.”

“I wish my hair would shed overnight and I could become a nun here.”

“Even if you went completely bald, at most you’d be like me when I first became a nun. Whether as a nun or not, women are just women and can’t live without men. How can women stay away from men? When a farmer harvests the wheat, he has to collect the stalks, and even an emperor can’t avoid finding fleas in his dragon robe.”

“That’s true.”

“You must find it odd to see a nun using a hair-growth product. But I find it strange that you’re here. Zhuang Laoshi is not just anybody, so how could you, of all people, have worries?”

Two teardrops snaked down her face, but Niu Yueqing refused to open up, so Huiming decided not to press her. Instead, she made a pot of tea to share with Niu Yueqing before walking her out to the main entrance, where they bade one another farewell.

Niu Yueqing returned to the nunnery three days later. Huiming was sitting in bed. “I knew you’d be back,” she said. “I called Meng Yunfang and asked about you. He was upset and asked me to talk you around. But I won’t do that. It doesn’t matter to me whether you’re here to become a nun or simply to find some peace. To each her own, and it would be useless for me to say anything to try to change your mind. But I can tell you that you are the only one who can find relief for yourself. When I first became a nun, I thought I’d find peace in everything. Then I realized that not every woman can be a nun; if that were case, then a nunnery would be nothing but a refuge, and the sacred purity of the Buddha would not be able to shine through. I do understand what’s on men’s minds. It’s their nature to prefer the new over the old and to be fickle, but this is still a man’s world. Women are like children: Adults play with them when they’re happy, because they want to share that happiness with them. Or they scold them when they’re unhappy, treating them as a diversion, because they want them to share in their misery. They say that women hold up half the sky and can do whatever they want, like soar into the sky or bore down into the earth, but how many women can actually do that? Stores all over town sell women’s clothes and cosmetics, and it appears that all of society is waiting on women. But for what? To make women beautiful for men to appreciate and enjoy. In a world dominated by men, women must accept that reality while learning to live well. The single woman must make sure she is well liked, while the married one seeks to sustain her husband’s love. So women have to constantly make adjustments, enrich and reshape themselves, so they can maintain the impression that they never have to worry about their appearance. If one tries to please a man with her looks, she must know that her beauty will fade as time passes. Besides, there are many types of beauty out there, and how do you expect to satisfy a man’s insatiable appetite? If your life revolves around a man, then he will become your everything, which can only lead to a terrible life until you’re tossed aside. Confucius once said that it’s hard to deal with women and petty people, but in fact men are the hard ones to deal with. You can’t be too far from him, but he will become annoyed when you’re too close. A woman must learn to keep the proper distance when dealing with a man, slipping away like an eel in his hand. If you’re like a melon seed that teases the taste buds without filling him up, then he will be enamored and boldly chase after you. So a woman must live for herself, enjoying a life filled with vigor and excitement. Then she will truly know how to live in a man’s world.”

Niu Yueqing’s heart raced after hearing Huiming’s lengthy discourse, which was almost like a sutra. For a while she thought the nun was talking about Tang Wan’er, who knew how to make everyone like her. Could she have known all these things? Then she felt that Huiming must be talking about her. Had she lost Zhuang’s love because she lacked the necessary understanding? What surprised her most was how much the young nun knew about men and women. “I’m amazed by what you know, Abbess Huiming.”

“Is that so? Then you’ll be shocked if I continue.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well, I’ll be frank with you, since you treat me like a friend and have come to see me. Has it occurred to you that I’m being very rude sitting in bed while talking to you? I had an abortion two days ago.”

“An abortion?” Niu Yueqing cried out.

“Close the door so the others won’t hear us. Yes, I had an abortion. You’re probably going to change your opinion of me and will never come again. But it’s true. When I noticed something different, I put an herbal formula together and aborted the fetus. Well, you can go now if you want.”

Niu Yueqing was tongue-tied, too worked up to even look at the nun, not because she did not want to embarrass Huiming, but because she felt so awkward. Muttering something incomprehensible, she got up and went home.

For seven days in a row, she asked for sick leave and stayed home. Since her discovery of Zhuang’s affair with Tang Wan’er, nothing had pained her more than the actions of her beloved husband. But now even Huiming, a nun, had had an abortion. So what else was real in this world? What was left that was credible and admirable and worthy of her belief? She turned these things over and over in her mind, to the point that she actually fell ill. Dander fell from her body, which she didn’t even notice until she was putting on her socks one day and saw a pile of something that looked like chaff. The following morning when she made her bed, she spotted the same thing on the bed, which made her itch all over. Taking off her clothes, she realized that her skin was rough and scaly, like snakeskin or tree bark. That night she got undressed and, using a brush, washed her body over and over. She went back to work on the eighth day and didn’t return home until very late. Her mother stopped her in the doorway and examined her closely.

“What are you doing, Mother? Can’t you see it’s me?”

“I don’t really recognize you. What’s happening to you?”

“Take another look, then, Mother,” Niu Yueqing said with a smile. “Have I gotten prettier or uglier?”

“Your brows are darker, and what happened to the sun spots on your face?”

“Well, that’s better.” Niu Yueqing told her mother she had had some work done on her face — her brows had been tattooed, and the dark spots had been removed with a chemical peel. She would have to continue that treatment for seven days, after which the spots would be gone. Besides that, she wanted to surgically raise the bridge of her nose, eliminate the wrinkles in her forehead and her belly fat, and reduce the size of her feet.

“Then you won’t be my daughter anymore.”

From that day on, the old lady could not stop grumbling that Niu Yueqing was a fake, no longer her daughter. When they went to bed at night, she reached out to touch Niu Yueqing’s brows, nose, and chin, and was besieged by doubts. One day she said that someone had replaced the TV with a fake; on another day she complained that the pot, too, was a fake. She even doubted the relatives and neighbors who came to visit them, which led her to wonder about her own authenticity. She demanded to know the truth from her daughter.