Tie Ning - The Bathing Women

Wan Meicheng said “Okay,” lit a cigarette, and started to smoke. The way she lit the cigarette, smoked, and flicked the ash was hesitant and ungraceful. Apparently she was a novice smoker, and her technique suggested that she hadn’t learned it long ago at all, very likely after her divorce from Chen Zai. Smoking makes a woman look sophisticated and worldly, but Wan Meicheng’s awkward smoking was reminiscent of a teenager learning to be bad behind her parents’ backs. Tiao had no reason to dislike Chen Zai’s ex-wife, but what exactly had brought her here?

Wan Meicheng said, “Tiao, you must be wondering why I came to see you. I want to tell you that there’s nothing I want from my visit. If I’d wanted anything, I would have come to you before the divorce, and I would have begged you to let go of Chen Zai and return him to me, which I did think about doing from time to time these past years. Now, with everything over, Chen Zai and I already divorced, and you two about to get married, why would I want to come to see you now? What’s my purpose in coming? You might not believe me if I told you that I was desperately asking myself that same question on my way here. And it occurred to me that it was because I still love Chen Zai so much. I so yearn to get near him that I even yearn to get close to the one dearest to him. That you’re his dearest is a fact that I learned long ago. Your breath has his breath in it, your eyes have his gaze, and your skin has the warmth of his body. When I pushed open the door and entered your office, when I first caught sight of you and came closer, I saw and smelled him, his body. That’s exactly why I came. I want to sit with you for a moment, just a moment. I didn’t come here to fight with you, or to accuse you. I’ve thought thousands of times that our marriage was wrong from the beginning. He married me because he was pursued by me so much that he had no way out. Today I want to tell you honestly that he should have been yours to begin with. But none of it can stop me from loving him. He left the house to me after the divorce, and I haven’t seen him for a while. I know he’s away in the south, so I especially wanted to take the chance to see you. Only when I’m with you do I feel close to him, and safe. Safe, you understand? You make me feel safe.”

Tiao hadn’t expected anything like that out of Wan Meicheng, and the special feeling she described was something that Tiao had never heard of, either. She stared at this woman who was smoking clumsily, and couldn’t help thinking of how she had ruined Wan Meicheng and Chen Zai’s marriage; as a result, Tiao should, by rights, have been the least safe element in Wan’s life. So she remained suspicious. Maybe Wan Meicheng was using mockery to attack her. Tiao would have preferred something more direct.

But Wan Meicheng didn’t appear to be mocking. She smoked awkwardly but her expression was sincere. She threw the cigarette butt into the water in the paper cup, leaned forward slightly, and said, “One day after an afternoon nap, I sat in front of the window in a daze — I’m very good at that. Particularly in the last few years when Chen Zai tried to discuss divorce with me, I could sit for hours in a daze. That particular day I sat dazed and thought about my first meeting with Chen Zai. It was during a summer break, before I graduated from college. I returned to Fuan to work as a tutor for a factory director’s child. That same day Chen Zai was involved in a car accident with me, which was actually my fault; I went through a red light — I was rushing to get to the factory director’s home. I ran into Chen Zai’s car and my body was thrown from the car. My knees and hands were scraped. Chen Zai was very worried and immediately drove me to the hospital. He took me to have the cuts and scrapes treated and then accompanied me to get a complete examination. He asked me whether my head had struck the ground and I said it was nothing, but he insisted that I go for an X-ray. After I finished the checkup, he drove me home, explained the situation to my parents, and left his phone number, beeper number, and mobile phone number — back then, few people had mobile phones. He left me all these numbers without any hesitation and told me that I should call him if something happened. He was a gentleman, a true gentleman, which was the only word I could think of when I was lying in bed. I didn’t doubt that there were excellent men in the world, but I hadn’t met one like him.

“The next day I called him and he picked up the phone, which proved he hadn’t deceived me with a fake number. I felt a deep joy, and not only because he’d given me the real number. Over the phone, he asked me how I felt and offered to take me back to the hospital if I needed a ride. I told him that I did have a need, but it was really the need to see him that I had. Then he drove to my parents’ home. We went to the hospital four times within a month and chatted in the car. When he learned that I’d majored in painting, he asked me if I liked the French painter Balthus, and I had no idea who he was. At the time, I hadn’t seen Balthus’s paintings yet, not even reproductions. Chen Zai didn’t laugh at my ignorance, he was so considerate; to avoid embarrassing me, he quickly changed the subject. I was grateful for his sensitivity and kindness. By the time I recovered, I found myself in love with him. I returned to the school, as the summer break was over, and started to write to him — I guess you could call them love letters. I also drew some cartoons, like you see in those girls’ comics. They all had plots that showed how much I loved and missed him. I sent all these to him but never received any replies. Tiao, please note that he never wrote back to me. Then the winter break came and I couldn’t wait to get back to Fuan. And the first thing that I wanted to do was see him.

“We met. I told him very directly that I loved him. He smiled his apology at me and said I was still a student and he was much older than I was. He hoped I could consider my life and future seriously. I said, ‘I’m very serious. I don’t mind the ten years’ difference in age as long as you’re not in love with someone else.’ Given his age then, he should have married a long time ago. He didn’t reply even though I kept pressing him. I said, ‘If you don’t respond, it must mean there is another woman in your heart, right? Am I right?’

“‘Yes, I’ve loved her for many years.’

“‘Then why don’t you get married?’ I asked. He became quiet again. I was pretty emotional and again insisted he tell me why. Finally he told me that he wasn’t sure whether the one he loved was in love with him or not. His words made me feel hopeful and I said something very silly: ‘But you know I’m in love with you.’ He looked at me helplessly, such a deep helplessness. I realized how unreasonable I was being and at the same time became bolder. I told him I must have him, and that I could compete with the woman he loved. Then I asked him what he thought of that, and he said it was pointless. Love shouldn’t be a competition. I said I would compete because I wanted to win love, and he said, ‘You’ll only win suffering that way.’ I knew he had already turned me down. His way of expressing it might have been indirect, but he left no room for doubt.

“That night I ran a high fever, nearly forty degrees, which made me talk deliriously. The fever stayed high for two days and I had to be sent to the hospital. There was no inflammation in my body and the doctor couldn’t find what was wrong with me. I couldn’t eat anything. I couldn’t even keep water down. My body temperature kept rising to more than forty degrees, and half the time I was raving his name. My parents called him, and he came to the hospital to see me. He sat by the bed and held my burning-hot hand, and the strange flush on my cheeks touched him. He told me to listen to the doctor and get myself well first. We could talk after I got better. His words revived my despairing heart, the best fever reducer for me. My illness miraculously disappeared, which to this day I still can’t explain, just as I don’t know why I got sick without any apparent reason. I knew I had been really sick, but I think I’d been lovesick, love-crazed. With all my heart, I leaped into that fire. After I left the hospital I didn’t get to see him. He went abroad, and I had to go back to school.