Tie Ning - The Bathing Women

All of a sudden tears poured down her face. She felt a sense of complete relief — as when enormous tension is lifted, as though a free and deep sleep had arrived at last, as deep as could be wished after a hundred years of being deprived of it. Her tears unhurriedly washed away obstacles of all kinds in the depth of her soul, unhurriedly welling into her eyes. Immediately he saw that she was crying — by the sparkle of reflected light from outside — and he kissed her wet face.

He must have thought her crying was caused by great sadness. Sadness would linger for many people after a funeral. He tried to comfort her with his kisses and wanted to turn on the light in the living room, but she didn’t let him. She didn’t allow him to turn on the light, and she didn’t want him to kiss her. She was annoyed now, because when he kissed her face, she felt the pressure on the left side again, which was Fei’s lips. It changed the kissing, making it as if he were kissing Fei, not her — kissing Fei’s lips on her face. So Tiao became the intermediary between Chen Zai and Fei, as though she were intimate with both of them, while they took no notice of her, busy only with their own communication. She was like a bed is to a couple who are engrossed in making love; they can’t do it without the bed, but the bed means nothing to them. The thought upset Tiao very much; she evaded Chen Zai’s lips and made him feel awkward. Then he held her by the waist and told her to lie down in bed. He thought she should rest.

In bed, she held on to his hands. As though prompted, he started to remove her clothes. He took off almost everything, and her arms and legs obeyed and seemed happy to cooperate. She was left wearing only a small pair of underpants, white, the kind with embroidery on the front and lace on the sides. The tiny underwear excited him, aroused him even more than her naked body. His hand touched the crotch of her underwear. The small soft and moist spot there gave him chills. He began to take off her underwear, but she seemed desperate to stop him. She insisted on guiding him into her, partly moving aside her underwear. He felt uncomfortable but it also gave him a new, exciting sensation. He didn’t understand her insistence, as if she were purposely setting up obstacles for both of them. Too smooth is not smooth, just as too much freedom is no freedom at all. But soon he was tired of the novel feeling, because it hurt. He tore off the little thing with a couple of tugs and rammed into her without any interference. She seemed to escape the awkwardness she felt from the left side of her face, and his concentration and devoted energy moved her, also. She was willing to cooperate with his rhythms; she was willing to bring about their happy climax at the same time; she was willing to believe he truly loved her and not something else; she was willing to believe that the past had truly become the past.

But more and more she felt distracted. She was very thirsty, and her face began to feel burning pain again, which distracted her. She knew someone shouldn’t be distracted while making love, and that even a grain-sized pimple could affect one’s mood sometimes. Now the left side of her face hurt, but he didn’t notice anything and just kept banging away. She forgot it was she who had grabbed his hands tightly; she forgot it was she who wanted him to sweep away her uneasiness with his actions. Withdrawing into herself then, she was thinking unreasonably, Why does he have to do this to me right now? When she was thinking like that, she couldn’t go on. She said rudely, “Can we just stop? I want to stop.” She said this and started to push him off. She pushed him off her body, grabbed a bathrobe, and went into the bathroom.

She took a hurried shower and stood in front of the mirror to look at her face. Very clearly, she could see a lipstick print on her left cheek, a pink one with a distinct outline. Anyone who knew Fei would recognize it as her lips. She dipped a towel into the water and rubbed her face, and also used disinfectant soap that she had brought back from abroad to wash her face clean of it, but she failed. She looked at her face in the mirror and thought that she still hadn’t escaped from her past. She needed to talk, and she must talk, no matter what Chen Zai thought of her.

She put her bathrobe back on and came to the doorway, as if she had just come in from outside. She started from the doorway, and skillfully turned on all the lights one by one in order: wall light, ceiling light, mirror light, floor light, big desk light, and small desk light … she left the entire place brightly lit. Then she led Chen Zai to the armchair and sat across from him. She said, “I’m going to tell you something.”

Looking across at her, she seemed uncomfortable, and he said, “Do you have to talk about it tonight?”

“Yes, I have to.”

“Maybe you should go to bed. I know you’re very tired.”

“I don’t want to sleep, and I’m not tired, either. Don’t interrupt me.”

“But your mood is very unstable.”

She smiled gently and said, “I’m very stable. My mood has never been as stable as today. Do you still remember Quan’s death? In our compound, there was a manhole on the small road in front of our building. She was playing, shovelling dirt under a tree that day, and a few old ladies who were sewing The Selected Works of Chairman Mao called her from a distance, so she walked towards them. She walked over, walked into the manhole, and died. She was two years old.”

“You’ve spoken about this before. Everyone knows the incident.”

“No, no one knows. You don’t know, either. When she was walking to those old ladies, I was right behind her, ten metres away, or maybe fifteen metres. I saw the manhole, saw the lid was not on for some reason. Both Fan and I saw it. We also saw the old ladies wave at her, and their waving made Quan more eager to get there. I didn’t stop her, didn’t run forward and carry her back. I knew I had enough time, but I didn’t do it. Fan and I just held each other’s hands tightly and watched her throw open her arms and fall into the manhole, as if she were flying. Chen Zai, this is me, this is the true picture of me. Not only didn’t I save her myself, but also I pulled Fan back. I can never forget our holding hands and the pull I gave on Fan’s hand. I had tried to explain that it was because I was paralyzed by fear — people can’t take action when they’re paralyzed by fear — but I knew that I wasn’t. My mind at that moment was as clear as it is now. I didn’t like Quan, and neither did Fan. I understand her dislike for Quan, but I can never reveal to her the reason for mine. I’m a murderer, a criminal who has escaped punishment. I planned never to tell anyone, but I was really tempted to tell you after I fell in love with you, not because I wanted to prove my honesty, but because the more the time passes, the clearer the scene of Quan’s death becomes. I really don’t have a heart so big and powerful that I can hold the painful past secret and secure. It kept disturbing my heart. I need someone to help me, to share it with me, and this person is you. I trust you a thousand times more than I trust myself, but I’m also afraid to lose you. Now that I’m finally confessing, Chen Zai, I’m experiencing the kind of relief a person feels once in a thousand years, no matter what you think of me. Do you understand?”

“Tiao, I also need to tell you something: Fan told me all these things a long time ago. When I listened to her, I didn’t hate her or you. I just pitied her; I was even ashamed to tell you. She was not a murderer, but she’s more pathetic than you are.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because she was trying to prove her own innocence by exposing others. You definitely couldn’t hate her.”