Ivan Klima - The Ultimate Intimacy

fool around with girls and boys. But what was good about it? Nothing except the fact we were all wallowing in the same muck. That's what we had in common. Nothing else. Except for getting involved in the same scams on the odd occasion. We used to share out what we took, but mostly it wasn't fair shares. The one who was strongest got the most. It stands to reason.

Dear Reverend, my friend and deliverer, I thank you most of all for the fact you talk to me as if I never did anything wrong. As if I was the same as you. You told me last time that I ought to think as much as possible about my future. You know that I've never really had a job in my life. I've spent the five years since I was fifteen either in here or loafing around bars where I had a good time. As they say. In other words I spent all I stole. I've no idea what I'll do outside. I've got no proper skills, have I? I could drive a car maybe, or some of the things they taught me in the can like raking leaves, digging and a bit of work on the lathe that I've already forgotten. I used to hate their methods. And all the time I was wanting to have no one over me. And you told me that he is over all of us. Jesus and his love. And I'm going to have debts to pay. And at the same time I'd like to live like a man and not a beast. By which I mean I don't want to drink, smoke or shoot up any more, but have something decent to eat at least. And find some nice girl and have kids. I'd like to be their breadwinner and look after them so they should never be in need. And Reverend, my friend and deliverer, I'd like to make up for the things I've done. And make it up to my Mum first off. I hurt her a lot and cost her a wad of money. And then some of the people I stole from. There was one old neighbour, she was eighty. I stole five hundred from her. That was nothing for me. The price of a bottle in a bar. But not for her. It could have been her dinner money. And I ought to pay back lots more. And give some thought to my future. Nothing definite, I'm afraid. I just know I'll never return again to Satan's world. No way. I'd sooner go and work in a hospital. Only I'd never earn enough there to do the things I've just been writing about. Dustmen are paid better. I don't know whether I'd be up to work like that. I'd like something more. But I've had no schooling and I doubt I'll ever catch up now. There's no time. There isn't the money. But I don't blame anyone. It's my fault the way I wasted my life like an idiot. Maybe you'll be able to advise me, and show me the way in this too. Or maybe he'll show me the way. You've told me so much about him that I'd never heard or dreamt of even. Who had compassion for the least of people? Who said: Ask and it will be given to you? Knock and the door will be opened to you. Another thing I have to tell you. He appeared to me himself.

It was some time in the night when I got this panic attack that I wouldn't keep it up, that there'll be too much for me to change or live up to, and at that moment I heard a voice. He whispered to me, don't be afraid, have faith. Your faith will save you. It wasn't a dream because I looked round the cell to see who'd whispered to me, but they were all asleep, and anyway none of them would say anything like that and then I caught sight of a face above me. It was terribly pale and nothing like the face of a living person. And the moment I set eyes on it it disappeared. Maybe they'll release me next month on probation for good behaviour. I enclose an invitation for you.

Best wishes, Petr Koubek

Dear Petr,

I was really pleased with your letter and am happy that you're sticking to the path you've decided to take.

I'm glad that in your mind at least you've found the path back to your mother. Always remember: 'A foolish son is a grief to his mother.' It also says in the book of Proverbs: 'Hear, my son, your father's instruction. And do not forsake your mother's teaching! And right after that: 'My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent. If they say, "Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood, let us wantonly ambush the innocent… we shall find all precious goods, we shall fill our houses with spoil; throw in your lot among us, we will all have one purse" — my son, do not walk in the way with them, hold back your foot from their paths; for their feet run to evil, and they make haste to shed blood… but these men lie in wait for their own blood, they set an ambush for their own lives. Such are the ways of all who get gain by violence; it takes away the life of its possessors'

You can look up the saying yourself, it is in the first chapter of Proverbs. There you are, already thousands of years ago people had the same worries and problems as we do. Some did their best to live as they should, others longed to get rich at any price and refused to see that the price was precisely their own souls. I believe that you, young Petr, have already grasped the essentials and have now left the paths of those who set murderous ambushes. I don't want to give you the idea that the path you are taking will be an easy one, but one thing I can promise you: you won't

remain alone on that path, there are plenty of good people who will help you and support you when you grow weary. Maybe you won't fill your house with expensive goods, but instead you'll be able to invite the friends you'll make there.

Forgive me for being so brief, but I am giving a talk on television today. I'll be talking about our relations with those who are despised by people for no reason, purely on account of some prejudice.

May the love of Christ remain with you even in the place where you are now living.

With best wishes and congratulations,

Yours, Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I was unable to come to the funeral as I was in bed with a fever. But I was thinking about you, dear Dan, and what you were probably going through and the pain you were feeling. We only have one mother, after all. She and I didn't see each other very often, but from the first I knew she was a good person, a fine and wise woman. I have never stopped thanking God that she brought up her son the way she did. It took someone very special to do that. My Hana will always be grateful to her too. After all, she had such a hard life, full of disappointments and but for you she would have grown bitter and spent her life in solitude. I am sure you'll be able to rely on her at this difficult time and even though she can't take a mother's place she can at least give you her love now and for the rest of her life. All of us who love you will do that too.

With love to you all, Granny Hana

Dear Mum and Dad,

I'm only writing a postcard, because all the girls are only writing a card. The snow is wet but it's possible to ski. The Partridge said I was good. Apart from that we muck about terribly. We broke in a door and broke a window and hid the Partridge's skis. And we got drunk on wine, but I didn't. The

Partridge said we'll give her a heart attack, but before that she'll give us all black marks for misbehaviour. Last night I said my prayers, and I prayed for Grandma to like it in heaven. Best wishes to Eva and Marek.

Love, Magda

Dear Dan,

I had to stay at the hospital for the afternoon shift too. Things are quiet on the ward for a moment. I'd love to talk to you, but you're at the synod and will be coming in even later than me, so I thought I'd write to you. Anyway we have so little time to talk together these days and whenever we do, somehow we always seem to be in a hurry.

I realize that your grief over your mother's death comes on top of all the other things on your mind. I'd love to help you but I know that grief is something that words or pills can't dispel.

Two old ladies died on the ward today. One of them reminded me of your mother. She was also a small woman — quiet patient and devout. She received extreme unction the day before yesterday. It's something I've noticed over the years about people with a faith, even if they die unhappy, they have no anxiety and instead have hope. It's important that your mother left us in that way: with our love and her faith. As my father used to say: A believer now the Lord will endow. I still miss my father but one has to come to terms with it.