Ivan Klima - The Ultimate Intimacy

His articles were cut and sentences were added, changing the sense of his message. He wrote about civilization violating old cultures but the editors substituted 'colonialism' and 'imperialist interests' for 'civilization'.

His hospitalization and stomach operation (his doctor had told him he had stomach ulcers but he suspected they were concealing the true diagnosis from him) had alarmed him. He had previously regarded death as part of life; dying was a force within us heading towards its goal. A person who died was simply someone who had returned. True life fulfilment could only be achieved by returning to

the beginning. The living would never discover, Lao Tzu conjectured, what it was to be dead, and the dead would never know what it was to be alive. We had not known the thousands of generations who went before us, nor would we know those who came after. So what was the point of getting worked up about something we could not know?

So long as one has health and strength, it was possible to pride oneself on achieving discernment and peace of mind and self-knowledge. But when illness came, one realized one's mistake and saw that one was still wedded to the physical self. Anyway, Matouš had never achieved the equanimity he sometimes wrote about in his poems. In reality, he fluctuated between a state in which he possibly came close to seeing what was concealed from others, and one of hectic activity. In the first of them, which would sometimes last several days, he would abandon himself to inactivity or write his short poems, then he would throw himself into activity — travelling, writing articles and dreaming more about physical than spiritual pleasures.

What was bad about death, whichever way he looked at it, was that it would extinguish his self, the very thing that mattered most to him. Death would thereby deprive him of the chance to discover what direction the world would take subsequently, what the future would bring.

The thought of returning home filled him with desolation. Where was he to find someone who would chat to him in the evening and have a hot meal ready for him so he wouldn't have to traipse around pubs, or hold his hand when he was gripped by the fear that a malignant tumour was spreading in his stomach? There was nothing waiting for him at home that in the least resembled a living being, apart from the stuffed canary that his mother had left him.

The matron in the surgical ward where they had removed three-eighths of his stomach reminded him at least slightly of his mother on account of her kindness. On one occasion — it was when he had a particular attack of anxiety — she had appeared in the ward at his bedside and said to him: 'Don't be afraid, you'll be as right as rain again in a few days.' She had actually leant over and stroked his thinning hair. That touch remained fixed in his memory and it occurred to him that he would like to spend some time with such a woman occasionally, or at least converse with her.

7

Brother Kodet, who owned a real-estate company and was an elder of the church, shook Daniel vigorously by the hand. 'Please accept once more my deepest sympathy, Reverend.'

'Thank you for coming to pay your respects to my mother.'

'It was the least I could do. After all she was known and loved by everyone here. And she didn't have an easy life. I just regret she didn't live to see what we managed to obtain,' the real-estate agent said, coming to the point.

'Mother didn't want it. But you know that anyway.'

'She would have been pleased all the same, if only on your account.' He went to the filing cabinet and took out a file bearing the name of the street and the number of the house. He leafed through it for several moments and then began to discuss the situation and the offer. For a house that wasn't in the best condition and, furthermore, was full of tenants paying fixed rents — not enough, in other words, to cover the most essential costs — a German company was willing to pay him five and a half million crowns. While it was true that the price of apartment houses would rise when rents were deregulated, that moment was still far off, so it might be better to assume that prices would fall slightly for some time. But even if they remained unchanged, the condition of the house would deteriorate because repairs would require a lot of money, which Daniel did not have, and a house in disrepair would naturally fall in value.

Daniel listened in silence and could not bring himself to believe that it was his property and his money that was being discussed. Throughout his adult life he had been used to having to decide whether he could afford a new pair of shoes or to have his old pair resoled for the third time. He wore darned socks and grew his own lettuces, tomatoes and even mangolds in the manse garden. From early spring he and Hana would pick nettles which made an excellent soup. A million crowns had always been beyond his imagination, just like a million light years.

'So what do you say, Reverend?'

He had no yearning for property but it was true that his father had been attached to the house and the fact that he was a house-owner was one of the reasons why he had been regarded as a class enemy and fit for a show trial. He should hold on to the house on his father's

account, but what would he do with it? On the other hand, what would he do with the money? 'And what about my sister, are you sure she has no right to it?'

'Not from the legal point of view. She is now a foreign national and has permanent residence abroad. But should you wish to compensate her in some way, no one can stop you.'

'Yes, of course.' He wanted to add that he didn't need it for himself, not even a fraction of that sum, but it struck him that it would be tactless to say it to this man, who was clearly proud of having found him a good buyer.

Should he agree, he could sign the purchase contract straight away. There were a few further formalities to attend to, but the firm's representative had left a small deposit which the minister could take charge of.

So he received a wad of thousand-crown notes in an envelope; the deposit alone was the biggest sum he had ever held in his hand. He thanked Kodet and put the money away in his breast pocket, causing it to bulge somewhat. He could leave now, but feeling rather sheepish that his purpose in coming had been entirely unspiritual, he steered the conversation around to church matters and also talked for a while about the prisoners he visited, one or two of whom seemed to be making a genuine effort to understand what was said to them. Most of them, though, had grown up in surroundings where there was never any mention of God, or of anything else that transcended the most basic interests for that matter and they probably only came to hear him because he offered them a slight change from the tedium of their daily routine. But in what respect did the ones behind bars differ from those who guarded them, or from those who were free to go where they liked?

And then at last he rose and took his leave.

It was only a short walk to the tram stop but he was unable to pay attention to where he was going. Then he realized he had been tapping the outside of his coat to make sure the money was still in his pocket.

They sold flowers at the kiosk by the tram stop. Although he had never been in the habit of bringing his wife flowers, he now asked for three dark-red roses, and as the bunch looked rather paltry, he asked for two more.

In the window of the boutique, he saw the green sweater with white lilies. The price took him aback, but then he realized how ludicrously

little it was compared to the sum he had been talking about a moment ago, and he entered the shop.

When Simon saw that the spirit was given at the laying on of the apostles' hands, he offered them money and said 'Give me also this ability so that everyone on whom I lay my hands may receive the Holy Spirit. 'Peter answered: 'May your money perish with you because you thought you could buy the gift of God with money! You have no part or share in this ministry, because your heart is not right before God. .' (Acts 8: 18–21)