Bruce Wagner - The Empty Chair

“Weeks went by and my team made no progress. I grew distant from Mogul Lane. A strange time, to say the least… My guru, a bright sun that once shone down on me, underwent a disturbing eclipse. Something began to gnaw. I felt like a private investigator in one of those European novels that reviewers call ‘philosophical detective stories.’ A portrait of him over my desk seemed to leer. I wondered if the widow was right — she so often was! — and considered expanding my search to the States.

“Approximately eight weeks after the nightmare began, I awakened from a nap to find the screw had completed its turn. Try as I may — and try I did, my Queen! — I could do nothing to alter the belief that I’d been ‘had.’ This new poison burned my throat, seared my eyes and became a wildfire in my soul… Dear heart, the fickleness of the human race is a wonder to behold. One by one my troops returned empty-handed, and one by one I relieved them of their services until finally I was alone in a suite of empty rooms, with only his photograph’s sinister eyes following me ’round. I shambled about, trying to stave off what was coming — the heartbreaking realization I’d been administered a coup de grâce . His final teaching! O Lord. Lord… I’m ashamed to say I declared to myself and the world that the feet I’d washed, worshipped and worried over were made of clay. The doubts and paranoia I harbored while ill no longer seemed the stuff of fever dreams. I set fire to the portrait, burning in effigy he who once held an unimpeachable place in my heart, whose insights, energy and brilliance had sustained and transformed me. I stripped him of all laurels and medals, tarred, feathered and court-martialed him, pissed on his counterfeit spirit for eternity! I was in the grips of a kind of mania… deranged. A bucket of delighted, perverse fantasies watered the petals of my resentments that opened like a corpse flower in bloom: perhaps he had been abducted — kidnapped, tortured, killed! O be careful , my Queen, when the beast inside is unleashed! I hasten to add that a small part of me still remained true and watched the torch-bearing mob of Self with helpless amazement.

“But it gets worse, Queenie — far worse!

“In madness, I saw only monsters. Years of rigorous tutelage reared up like diseased horses running wild through remorseful, desolate fields. Remarks my guru had made during intimate conversation — moments I treasured, his words forming a garland I’d hoped to wear around my neck whilst crossing the final threshold of Silence — became nothing more than dirty jokes, the larcenous pitch of an obscene grifter. My guru knew the mystery of the pyramids… Ponzi’s! O, how foolish I felt! I mention Mr. Ponzi only in a figurative sense, as no fiscal malfeasance ever came to light. Just hours after ‘the American’ took a powder, I knew that embezzlement needed to be ruled out. A thorough forensic examination of house finances found them intact (if anything, there was more in the treasure chest than I initially thought). My first hope — of course, this was before I renounced him as my guru — was to discover a theft then ‘follow the money,’ a process that might lead me to a suspect or suspects, the working theory being ‘the American’ had stumbled across irregularities that certain parties feared he might soon reveal. I’d be lying if I didn’t say the widow was at the top of my list… Did I tell you about the ransoms? O my! The notes came fast and furious. Some claimed he was being held hostage, and demanded all manner of absurdities. Some were thrown right over the transom… All were deemed inauthentic.

“I paced those empty rented rooms, plotting my revenge. I would find ‘the American’ and dispatch him to nirvana myself! My Queen, I assure you I was back to true form. I gathered my wits and my Dopp kit and took a train north, the direction my very best detective said our quarry had been last seen heading. I started out as John Wayne but ended like Shelley Winters — pushy and hysterical, all over the place. I ransacked my memory for clues the impostor may have provided, anything to impossibly, magically pull it all together. Looking for a needle in a haystack is one thing, looking for a guru in India quite another; I grew to covet those who sought only needles. I was proud. My anger had nowhere to express but inward. I became depressed. I concluded I’d wasted seven years of my life and could never win them back. Not only was the time gone but the potentialities it held, the way energy hides in a bomb… my bomb turned out to be a dud. A special agony, my Queen, awaits those who treat the Source like currency on the exchange! Regret spread like cancer. Its skeletal hands clutched at many things— even you —yet held on to nothing.

“I wadded up that whole continent, vanishing guru included, and tossed it in the dustbin. I returned to Paris to lick my wounds. Took up a few long-forgotten habits and felt better for a while, reacquainted myself with old habitués and cultivated new ones. But the thrill was gone — that’s what a wrong turn’ll get you! I threw myself into business… not the enterprise you think. No, I’d lost the stomach for that kind of risk. I wanted ‘stress-free,’ so everything was aboveboard. Assembled most of the old team and did extremely well. I always did extremely well, except in the business of gurus! Ha! And I must say that I rarely thought of ‘the American.’

“I said ‘dustbin’ but if I’m to expand the metaphor, I’d say I stuffed the whole experience into a trunk that was promptly sealed and stored away. It lay in the attic a long, long time, Queenie — about 15 years, in fact. Then one day I found myself wandering up to the belfry . Went in and paced a while. Sat and stared at the trunk. Eventually walked over and broke the seal. Took two steps back. Warily circled. Lifted the lid to let some air out and left, closing the door behind me. A year later, I went up again. Paced, circled, sat. It felt familiar to spend time there. Opened the trunk and poked around with a stick. Walked out, shut the door.

“I had a heart attack in ’92 that changed my lifestyle. I hired a vegan chef and started exercising. Though I must tell you, Queenie, the whole time I lay in hospital I was sorely preoccupied. I would close my eyes and roam around that attic… For you see, I opened that trunk for the same reason the surgeons opened my chest: to heal. And to my surprise, I found it held things of great beauty… books— I helped publish — smelling of incense, cigars and tuberoses… raiments of gold-threaded silk… glittering gems. Even the ‘necklace’ was there, the garland of my guru’s words! The drought of rage and heartbreak lifted at last and in its place was a bright green stem coursing with life that broke through the skylight and reached for the sun.

“Over the next few months of convalescence, I revisited where it all began: The Book of Satsang. The Great Guru still spoke to me yet within its pages I saw the genius of his favorite student, ‘the American,’ writ large. I had not been mistaken! Still, I knew it was important to remain cautious. My conduct needed to be measured. I waited to see if my jubilance was artificial, manufactured—‘post-cardiac.’ I wished to do nothing on impulse; I recalled with disgust how quickly I had turned on the one who was so precious to me. I needed to be absolutely certain this latest turning toward him wasn’t arbitrary as well.

“I was still in possession of all the books I midwifed during my time as editor and putative translator of Mogul Lane Press. Some were collections of my guru’s morning Q&As; others slim, elegant hardbacks filled with apothegms and parables reflecting his simple abstractions and direct truths. I unpacked the boxes and leafed through them at leisure. I had a nagging fear they’d be nothing more than ‘cosmic candy’ though I needn’t have worried — they were awfully compelling. The beautiful little volumes held many epiphanies for the careful reader… there did seem to be a lot of them out there (careful readers). Even after he skedaddled — my guru taught me that word! — his book sales grew steadily each year. The unsolved mystery of his leave-taking certainly didn’t hurt; hagiographies sprung up like mushrooms after a rain. Scoundrels debunked, seekers martyred, and scholars wangled over who should be authorized to be custodian of his legacy. Controversies notwithstanding, the radical breadth of my guru’s concepts proved he was more than just a shooting star in the cosmology of Advaita. His place in the firmament was secure.