Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

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On the way to Audrina, they passed some people standing on a red carpet getting their picture taken by pretend paparazzi. Big posters on the wall behind them said OnTheRedCarpet.com.

A trio of skeevy slores walked by. (Kim K’s word for slutty whores.) They had stickers slapped on their grimy bosoms, “Follow us @PlayboyTV.”

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They found 506, an enormous, empty room filled with hundreds of set up chairs. A staffer told them the event moved to 501. 501 was ten times smaller. It was SRO.

Omarosa was on a panel with reality stars from True Beauty and Chef Academy . She was frickin fierce. She said she beat out half a million people to get on Celebrity Apprentice & that her goal from the beginning was to get the most camera time, she was going to do whatever it took, & as it turned out becoming the 1st African-American reality show villainess was the deal that worked. Omarosa said she’d been on thirty-frickin-seven reality shows & Tom-Tom didn’t even know if she was kidding. (She was even on a show about floral arrangements, on the Logo Channel, whatever the frick that was.) Omarosa was a mutherfuckin trip. She said that apart from whatever she was up to in RealityWorld, she was a full-time professor at her alma mater Howard U & taught an MBA program. Say what? She was also pursuing a freakin frickin doctorate in the frickin freakin ministry (Tom-Tom knew she wouldn’t be kidding about any of that), confessing that her true purpose on Earth was to spread the word of Jesus. She started going on about how fortunate she was to have partnered “with my friend, Mr. Trump,” & how she was always on the look-out for reality shows to develop. Hey I should probably try & talk to her after, maybe ol Sasha Fierce would be interested in Bad News Bears, and Trump too. Tom-Tom’d had way stranger bedfellows in her time. She looks like she’d be a nasty fuck too be my villainess black BIATCH. Pound that nappy ponderosa for days—––—––

The other reality mavens on the panel (she hadn’t heard of any of their shows) possessed a cheerleading, bulletproof, nearly robotic self-confidence that Tom-Tom hoped would rub off. Most of the time she held it together pretty well but like a lot of artists, she had her bleak moments — something the thrilled-with-themselves panelists apparently knew nothing about. Tho maybe they were just hiding that shit cause it didn’t play in public; maybe they’d share their darkness with her after the event, one on one. All she knew was that if she were to succeed, there’d be zero room for fear/self-doubt. She probably did a little more speed than she should have; her heart was hammered. Her focus went south and she flashed on joining Omarosa’s seminary, licking the salty, Ubangi lip-sized clit of merciless Mother Africa while Ivanka & Donald did their father/tall drinka daughter Rump Tower thing. All those thighscrapers…

When Omarosa was done, they went down the line, & every single panelist said how lucky they were to have triumphed in doing whatever the fuck they were doing, how they “were flown all over the world” to cook, to DJ, to fuck, to suck, to bla. Tom-Tom was getting pissy.

A panelist said, “I’m an attentionwhore.” No shit. Another said, “The lower you feel the higher you heal.” Huh? Another said, “Life is short, eat the red velvet cupcake.” Gimme some. Another said, “There will always be h8trs. They love to drink the H8torade.”

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Audrina’s body was so tight it was scary. Reeyonna got self-conscious; her stomach was getting giant, her back was killing her, & she couldn’t imagine looking or feeling glamorous ever again. She wasn’t even sure she ever did.

The interviewer said, “What’s your favorite reality show?”

Audrina said, “Cake Boss.”

“O! Cake Boss was cancelled!”

“It was? ”

“Yes! Audrina I’m so sorry!”

When the Q&A ended, Rikki thought Reeyonna wanted to meet her so he started drifting with the mob toward the stage. But when he looked back, ReeRee just shook her head and trudged to the EXIT.

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There was a lot of casting going on but it was hard to tell for what. People were even signing up to be videotaped by casting agents. There were booths with different websites for actors — ones that told them what was being cast, ones that sent them audition sites, ones for uploading videos.

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Tom-Tom had butterflies at the American Idol panel.

Blake Lewis was there, & Mikalah Gordon from Season 4. The rest were Season 9s except for Kimberley Locke. Kimberley was in Tom-Tom’s season, Season 3. They were talking about how they bonded with fans. One Idol said she even became friends with her webmaster.

Tom-Tom wrote down random shit she heard in her trapper keeper: suddenly the show BLEW UP… take it to the next level… follow my dream, follow my passion… Don’t be underwhelming!… I’m a girlie-girl… Karina Smirnoff/DWTS: dance studio, beauty line— ‘girlactik’

At the end, about twenty people went to the stage to have their picture taken with the Idols . Tom-Tom was going to say hello to Kimberley but decided to catch her after she performed, later in the day.

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Reeyonna really wanted to see Kris & Bruce Jenner but they didn’t show. Eric Roberts didn’t show either, and neither did Mischa. Rikki said Tom-Tom said Bruce Jenner had a hundred-million dollars. ReeRee wanted to see what people looked like who had a hundred-million dollars, if they looked different.

They passed an Extreme Makeover: Home Edition booth. ReeRee said they should get those people to do Betty White’s house. That really cracked Rikki up, which made ReeRee happy.

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Tom-Tom was finally recognized by a handsome fortysomething actor who struck up a conversation. He said he almost made the cut of the Gigolos pilot, Showtime’s reality series about male escorts servicing female clients in Las Vegas. He tried again for the second season, but it was a no-go. She was very anxious to hear his story.

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Reeyonna dug into her beef enchiladas while Rikki was in the head. She felt like a fat pig. Ew gross. A youngish, wholesome-looking man with barbershop quartet muttonchops came over. He said he was a casting agent, looking for pregnant girls.

“You’re not from MTV, are you?” she said with a smile.

“No but sometimes I wish I was .” He said it in an appealing, jokey way. Friendly, sweet, not pervy or pushy. “Say what you will, it’s pretty darn hard to argue with their success. And longevity.”

He gave her his card and left.

She felt like a fatter pig. Gross.

She saw Rikki throw something into the trash on his way over. She asked him what it was, and he wouldn’t say. He had that look he gets when he huffs.

“Did you whip it?” He just smiled. He was blazed. “Where’d you get the can? Did you bring it?”

He just smiled.

. .

That night Tom-Tom met him for a drink on Melrose at a restaurant owned supposedly by Lauren Conrad. He said he was “a working actor” & Mark Wahlberg’s 2nd cousin and sometime camera double. He said his real passion was making furniture. Mark had a lot of his pieces. So did Robbie Robertson, Alanis Morissette, Moby, Eddie Vedder, Dave Grohl, & Rufus Wainwright’s manager. She told him about her vision. He said he’d love to see the house so they went up.