Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

Tom-Tom dug being in the adult swim of it all again.

Once the White House was up & running with looser live-ins it would be important to get someone up to Mt Olympus, a show runner with a track record, to check it out. See what they were doing up there on the Mount in Loser Lab, see it up close, the place would serve as she’d meant it to from the start, a kind of “living pitch,” if Tom-Tom could find someone at the Expo and get em up, someone who knew the reality business, even get em up without telling them exactly what the exact nature of the shit was, & they rang the doorbell and she took them on a little tour, nothing planned out, nothing elaborate, by then she’d try to have a full house, it’d be cool if most of the bedrooms were full, like a real home , that homey feeling, just like Million Dollar Listing with the house dressers, the home stylists, that’s all she was really doing, she knew she’d be good at that all she needed was the chance the opportunity now here it was, here she was making it all more presentable more livable more sellable , everyone rehearsing and doing their thing, maybe even by then have a camera crew up & running, if she could just find someone who knew their shit, get em up there and give em the tour then walk them out to the pool — Tom-Tom could see it, she could hear it — and they’d say to her, Okay, this is for sure kind of trip for real but what’s really happening? (During the tour she would provide whatever kind of dope, if they wanted it, or whatever sex was deemed appropriate to get them to commit) Tom-Tom would say, OK, here’s the deal, everyone you just met is someone who got THROWN OFF A REALITY SHOW! She could see it, see their smile slowly become a HA! — then the nod of the head, the many nods, of knowingness, nods that said OK. I get it. And SO WILL THE NETWORK . You, m’lady, are sitting on a fucking MAJOR FRANCHISE. So let the games and the brand-building begin!

. .

They rode to the Convention Center in the same car — Tom-Tom, Dr Phil, ReeRee & Rikki — not just because Rikki’s scooter died — it wasn’t really a scooter but was so lightweight Tom-Tom called it that — but because until Reeyonna could pay her share of the rent Tom-Tom was using her as a gofer & personal asst.

Dr Phil was an avuncular, calming presence, & really understood Tom-Tom’s vision . Due to a mix-up/wrong address delivery of his social security checks, he’d been evicted from his Hollywood garden apt & was sleeping in his car. After their interview, Tom-Tom moved him right in. She already felt the vibe of the house benefiting from his presence. She needed someone trustworthy to be her eyes & ears when the prospective cast of schmoosers finally fell into place. Dr Phil was one of those people born with a happy disposition — Tom-Tom didn’t want unhappy people around her anymore. Unhappy people & the Year of the Moneybags do not frickin mix. Besides, she was thinking he might do something to help Jerzy, not an intervention exactly but something. When you were around Dr Phil his energy made you not want to use. She’d already talked to him about it, even suggesting maybe they could shoot Todd Bridges doing an “assessment” on Jerzy as part of the show, for a little drama, you know, like what would he or Johnny Whitaker recommend, would it be a hospital or a treatment center or maybe Jerzy could even do a home detox which would be really great for the show. Only trouble was, things would probably have to get much worse for Jerzy to agree to something like that. Because Jerzy was a loser for real but not a reality show schmooser so he definitely wouldn’t agree to being filmed for something like that, he’d probably have to OD for them to get his crazy drugshit on camera. The way he was going, that would probably happen too. Soon.

. .

They came on the last day, Sunday, because that’s when they were having all the workshops Tom-Tom wanted to go to.

There was a Q&A called How to Create, Produce and Pitch Your Reality TV Show ; she also didn’t want to miss How to Become A Host/Reality Star — Parlay Your 15 minutes of Reality Fame into a Career either. But Tom-Tom told Dr Phil the one she was looking forward to the most was Where Are They Now? Catching up with Reality TV Stars and Their Lives Today . That sounded the most promising — lots of rotten fruit on the ground for the takin, she hoped.

. .

Rikki & ReeRee walked thru the empty Hall of Autographs. It was huge. There were dozens of roped off lanes, each ending at tables with the headshots & names of whoever was scheduled to be signing. R&R didn’t recognize any of them.

They sat down and Sharpie-circled events in the Expo Guide, deciding which ones they wanted to attend. Rikki said he probably should check out How to Make it in Hollywood . Reeyonna started getting excited about meeting Audrina, who seemed to be the biggest star there. Rikki circled Manouschka Guerrier from The Private Chefs of Beverly Hills . (Lately he’d been thinking that if movies didn’t work out he could become a personal chef to the stars.) Ree circled Eric Roberts from Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew because one of her BFFs said he was Julia Roberts’s brother, which she still didn’t believe. Julia Roberts didn’t mean that much to her but she was so good in the Eat, Pray, Love movie she went to with her mom. She circled Gretchen Bonaduce too, not just because she was Danny Bonaduce’s ex-wife (Ree & her friends liked getting up in the trees and watching The Partridge Family ) but because the Guide said she was on Gimme My Reality Show! which Reeyonna never heard of but thought was a really funny title. Both wanted to meet Mischa Barton, who actually maybe was a bigger or maybe the same size as Audrina. It didn’t say what reality show Mischa was on but ReeRee watched The O.C. on SoapNet. Rikki circled Tila Tequila from Dance-off Pants-off. “Don’t even go there,” said Ree.

. .

Tom-Tom & Dr Phil were upstairs trying to find Room 506. A crazy-looking couple started pointing at them. “O my God, I can’t believe it!” The gal had magenta hair, a pierced nose & some kind of Wild West brassiere. The guy looked girlish and both wore skull bandannas. Tom-Tom girded herself for the pleasant rush of being Idol outed.

“It’s Phil! From the second season of Intervention! ”

“We loved you!”

“Your interventions were the only ones that didn’t end in relapse!”

“Why did you disappear ?”

They introduced themselves as Kent & Vyxsin from The Amazing Race, Season 12. They said they were going to be at Hooters on Sunday in Burbank offering live TV commentary when the show came on. They gave them little hot pink vouchers that said WATCH THE RACE WITH THE RACERS!!! ***ADMISSION IS FREE***

. .

R&R walked down one of the long, roped lanes. At this moment, they were literally the only visitors to the tent that held the vast Hall of Autographs.

When they reached the table, a jowly man with a big smile & big white teeth shook hands without getting up & gave them a glossy cardboard 5 × 7 of himself. They looked at the card — he was someone on ABC’s Eyewitness News. He’d written, in festive silver marker, “ABC 7 CHEERS! George Pennacchio .”

As they left the Hall of Autographs, Rikki grabbed a few postcards from another empty table.