Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

“Who’s the one on Dancing With the Stars ? Not this year — the whore. The whore that was married to Hefner.”

“Ma, I don’t know.”

“They threw her off… whenever it was. Why can’t I remember her fucking name ? Anyway, they say she stinks . In the magazine you brought. Her publicist said she has bad b.o. ”

“Her publicist?”

“Not her publicist, her stylist . You know what I mean.”

“I don’t watch that show.”

“Well you should . Kendra Wilkinson! I knew I’d remember. The whore with the cute little body. Letting herself be pawed at by that old , old man. Can you imagine? Well I can! I would have done the exact same thing . But first I would have had to get in line. I hope she got money out of it, she better have gotten millions . She’s smart, I admire her — there’s nothing wrong with being a whore, Bud!… and that little girl, who’s that little girl? They said she doesn’t like to wash — why can’t I think of her name. Shit. What is it— Reese Witherspoon .”

“Reese Witherspoon was on Dancing With the Stars ?”

“No! I was reading . In your magazine. Apparently she has an allergy to soap, if you know what I mean. That’s me being nice. And Uma, Uma Thurman , remember her? It said she stinks even more . Than the others. But you know who they say is the stinkiest of them all? Guess.”

“I don’t know. Who.”

“ Sarah Jessica Parker . They said she’s foul & I believe it.”

Dolly assiduously used a person’s entire name, as a testimony to her mental acuity. She often recited out loud a random catechism of phone numbers, names/dates of holidays, & obscure family tree birthdays/wedding anniversaries — she wanted Bud (and the world, however small it’d become) to see that she was still with it.

“Bud, do you know who has fungus? On her fingernails? Jennifer Aniston. They’re splitting right and left. I used to wait on women like that, I saw everything , in the dressing room at Neiman’s. They were filthy under the arms and everywhere else . Anyone who has fungus on the fingers has it on the toes. O yes. You better believe if you have finger fungus, your hygiene leaves something to be desired . Because fungus doesn’t come from out of the blue. And if you’ve got it on the fingers , you’ve got it on the cunt . These girls spend a fortune on waxing their holes, but they can’t afford to buy a bar of soap? And her friend from Friends— what’s-her-name who was married to the kook— she’s got hairy feet. Courteney Cox . It says she’s got hair on her toes, just like a man.”

Instead of counting sheep, Bud counted the money he’d acquire upon her death. In his fantasy, he was merciful — instead of breaking a hip in a fall and succumbing to pneumonia, Dolly died peacefully in her sleep.

She had doled out some of her fortune over the last few years, a thousand here, a thousand there, always on unpredictable occasions. He felt like a waiter getting a tip but knew better than to ask for more. Dolly withheld her dowry, still intent on marrying him off “to money.”

Dolly tried marrying money herself & failed. She regretted wasting her best years on Bud’s father, a preening, narcissistic spendthrift. After the divorce, she confessed to Bud that she’d run a bit wild. She spent time in bars, and once brought Lloyd Bridges back to the apt for what she called a “c-hunt.” She had a thing for rich, black-out drunks. Hook-ups frequently took her to Vegas where the scenario included Dolly being given a few thousand in hundred-dollar chips to play with while her paramours shatpisspuked themselves in the honeymoon suite. At night, crawling into the alcoholic bed, she told them she lost everything at the tables; the chips were safe at the bottom of her purse. (If stray chips dribbled from their pockets while they were out cold and she scooped them up, well that was OK too.) Go where the money is was her most important slice of parental wisdom. You should have married the Duchess of Alba. 85 years-old! That’s Hefner’s age! If Kendra could do it, so can YOU . Do you want to know how old the groom was? EXACTLY YOUR AGE. She has palaces! She’s so rich she doesn’t have to kneel for the pope! She’s allowed to ride a horse into the cathedral in Seville! You should have met her, Bud, why couldn’t you have found a way to meet her? Because her husband’s HANDSOME but he’s faggy, he can’t HOLD A CANDLE, he isn’t BUILT like you. You should have met her & given her a good FUCK, you should have fucked her to death! Early death! Cause that’s what he’s planning, you better believe it!

He rocked himself to sleep, fantasizing what he was going to do with Dolly’s money. He knew he wanted to spend a few days walking around with a big wad, just to see how it felt to have 20 or thirty-thousand in his pocket. His father used to walk around with a wad & Dolly hated it. Now Bud understood the man’s motivation. He empathized. ….

———— BLASTEDawake by his mother at 2AM, her voice triple-amplified by the monitor, singing in her sleep

THE TEACHER TOLD HIS MOTHER

SHE’D TAKE HIM RIGHT IN HAND,

TEACH HIM A THING OR TWO!

LIKE HIS OLDER BROTHER

HE BEGAN TO UNDERSTAND,

LEARNING EVERYTHING

HE THOUGHT SHE KNEW. . ….

At a quarter to 4, awakened again—––—

“Bud? Bud? Bud? Bud. Bud? Bud! BUD! Bud, I need you!”

He roused himself, practically stumbling into her room.

“Mom, what’s wrong!”

“I need to shit ,” she whispered. “That’s what’s wrong.”

It took 10 minutes to maneuver her onto the seat of the walker that was kept beside the bed for this very contingency. He told her to raise her feet up so he could wheel her to the powder room. When they reached the doorway, Dolly said she needed to stand & move herself to the toilet, on her own power. It didn’t make much sense to Bud — it would have been easier just to push the walker past the tub to the bowl, but she wouldn’t be swayed. “This is the way we do it! This is the way Marta said to do it.”

When she reached her destination, he understood; much better that she was already standing. Dolly militantly barked orders — time was of the essence.

“Get rid of the walker!”

While she held tight to a diagonal safety bar on the wall, Bud removed the obstruction. She sighed, winced, & took a few pained breaths. He thought something might be wrong.

“Why are you wincing?”

“Because. . because. . because I haven’t had a shit in three days , does that answer your question? Because if it doesn’t, I’ll tell you again .”

She gave him a hard stare, as if to poison his eyes. His stomach contracted then he let it go. She slo-mo pirouetted until she stood in front of the toilet facing him, barely covered by her stained, debris-splattered robe.

Bud averted his eyes in modesty & disgust.

“Now I hold the other bar, and you— don’t move! Why are you moving around? — listen! What I want you to do is pull the diaper down around my ankles . Then I’ll grab your shoulders & you’ll lower me down . That’s how Marta does it.”

Bud tried to lower it but there was some sort of tape on one side, and he had to fuss with it. He got it unstuck and began to push the diaper down with both hands as Dolly snapped, “Come on, come on! Don’t be shy!”