Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

— Thora Birch’s parents totally need to adopt Chippy D!

–look. See? He’s a Jew.

— That’s Drake’s mom? She’s so totally a blond!

— President Obama’s mom is totally white like that.

— Are they still seriously porned out? Thora’s mom & dad?

— I don’t think they like perform anymore, they just manage her. Her dad does. Her career.

— If she has one.

— See if she’s on twitter.

— Are you sure she is not in True Blood ?

— O my God, you’re serious! You are so stoned!

— No one can be managed by their parents . Well maybe when you’re really young but then it gets fucked up. They like snap to the fact that their parents are totally trying to control them or steal their money. They wind up having to sue.

— I would love to sue my parents.

— ReeRee, when are you going to tell your mom you’re pregnant?

— When I start to show. I have like this whole plan .

— Like how you’re going to tell her?

— I’m supposed to get all this money when I’m 18? From when I was a model in all of her photographs? She’s been like setting aside money for me, and putting it in a trust? She said I deserved to have some of the money.

— That is so cool of her.

— Your mom is so kewl.

— I mean, do you know, did she say how much? How much you’re going to have?

— I think around like $200,000—

— whoa whoa whoa—

— but that was like 4 years ago. So there’s probably interest…

— Reeyonna, that is so much money .

— I’m not supposed to get it til I turn 18, but I’m going to ask her to give it to me earlier.

— What are you going to do with it?

— Buy a house. Like a little cottage in Silverlake or the Hollywood hills.

— Like a bungalow?

— O my God, I love that.

— I just think you need a house if you’re going to start a family. Rikki and I need to live together, he needs to feel like the man of the house. You know, not a boy who doesn’t have any responsibilities.

— Do you think she’ll give it to you? Early? Your mom?

— It’s my money . I’ll fucking sue her if she doesn’t!

— Hahahahahahahahaha!

— Sue the bitch.

— Beeyotch .

— She’s a MILS— Mom I’d Like to Sue .

— ahahahahahahahahahahahahah—

— TMZ said Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart made like $30 million last year each—

— Yeah but Taylor Swift — no, Taylor Lautner made, like, 50 million.

— Who said?

— Dlisted. And TMZ too.

— Johnny Depp made 125.

— Thousand?

— Million , you spaz.

— O. My. God.

— You are spastic. In Touch said that works out to like 40,000 an hour for a whole year , 24-hours around the clock!

— O my God.

— That is so crazy . Then Jennifer Lawrence is probably a billionaire!

— No, the internet said she got totally fucked, she’s only making like a million dollars for like the first three.

— Eminem probably made more than a billion.

— Would you fuck Eminem?

— Are you kidding? Of course!

— No, I mean if you could marry him, and you found out he really likes it when girls don’t, just, like, fuck him right away—

— Do you mean could I not fuck him?

— Like do you think you could not fuck Em if you thought there was a chance he would marry you?

— What if you didn’t fuck him and he didn’t marry you?!?!

— If it was between fucking him or not fucking him but the marriage wasn’t, like, guaranteed?

— I’d fuck Drake.

— I would so fuck Drake. He got so hurt by Rihanna.

— Slut.

— Drake’s a Jew.

— Nuh uh .

— He is, he’s a Jew.

— How could he be.

— But why is Eminem so pissed off all the time? Eminem is so angry. He has so much money!

— He’s probably a pussycat. It’s just that he’s been hurt in love. You know, love is, like, heavy on his heart.

— I used to think he was gay.

— You thought Em was gay?!?!

— When “I Need A Doctor” came out, they said “doctor” was like code for “dick”—

— Who said?!?!

— It was on the internet. .

— That is so lame . “Doctor” is Dr. Dre.

— I’m just sayin—

— The song is totally gay , tho. You know, Dre says “All I need is him ” and Eminem’s all like “Come back, Dre, you’re the only one who believed in me, why should we care what other people think, let’s just like, you know, fuck—”

— You are so crazy !!!

— I think it’s sweet , they’re really good friends , Em’s just saying to Dre that he needs him. It’s so like vulnerable . I mean, rap never talks about man love—

– & Royce sayin he loves Em like Em loves Dre & how he would kill for him it is so gay!

— Eminem gave Elton John a cock ring made of diamonds—

— O that is such BULLSHIT—

— No, he did, it was in the Rolling Stone. .

— Eminem is like so stuck up . I mean like every song he’s on that has other people, it’s like so funny, he’s always talking about how he’s the best , like the others’ll just be talking about weed or cars or bitches or whatever , and all Marshall Mathers talks about is how he’s like the most amazing rapper who ever lived!

— Whoa! What is your issue .

— Cause you’re talking — she’s talking like she’s been — what do they say—“a woman spurned”!

— A woman spermed—

— Squirted!

— A woman spurted!

— She wishes!

— If I had $100 million trust me I would not be angry.

— Maybe you would be! Maybe you’d be Charlotte Sheen!

— Who?

— Charlotte Sheen. Sister of Charlie!

— Oh! Charlotte! Hahahahahaha!

— Charlene. That would be Charlene .

— Charlene! Charlene! Charlene Sheen!

— Fuck yeah! —

— I’d fuck Hov and Ye before I did Eminem.

— Look at choo. Look @ dis biatch! “Hov” & “-ye”! Lissen to choo . Girl think she a nigga.

— Nicki Mee-naj. Nicki Ménage à twaht.

— What about Johnny Depp.

— What about him.

— Would you let him d.p.?

— I’ll tell you my dream d.p…. I’m on top of Robert Pattinson & the guy on In Treatment is in my butt. Up to the nuts!!!!

— Tea baggggggggg!

— What is In Treatment?!?!

— Gabriel Byrne is so sexy.

— I’m kinda over Johnny Depp.

— He’s over you. And his wife.

— I’m over that swashbuckling shit. I need uh ass-buckling. .

— Have you seen his wife? She’s hot . She’s a singer.

— Voolay-voo coushay ahveck m’wah, çe swa.

— I wonder if she’s been d.p.’d.

— Totally. She’s been totally Johnny D’p.’d! That’s why they’re breaking up. She’s over it.

— French people invented the d.p.

– “The” d.p. — ——ha!

— And Americans perfected it.

— This smoke is amazing—

— It’s from Rikki’s stash.

— That purp, that bomb, that kush. .

— Gimme that blunt. Gimme gimme gimme.