Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

Then Telma remembered with a shock the letter she wrote to Khloé’s mom, she was going to send it to askkris @ Life&Style mag, but why , what a lame plan , what was wrong with her, why didn’t she just think of getting it to Khloé to give to Kris there were a hundred different ways she could have done that, but this was so easy because Telma had actually known for two weeks now that Khloé was probably coming to the Courage Ball — or why didn’t she even think of just leaving it in the Kardashian mailbox (which on 2nd thought probably wasn’t the easiest thing to do, with the security they probably had at the house) with a note that said something like “ Pass it on! signed Telma El Adobe.” Luckily, Telma hadn’t yet mailed it anywhere so she ran back to the table & told Khloé she had a letter she wanted her to pass onto her mom, it was very personal , & Khloé said of course she would, Telma said she couldn’t give it to her tonight because it was back at the house & Khloé said not a problem, tomorrow she’d send a courier , not a messenger —the Kardashians know how to do EVERYTHING!!!!) to Telma’s house in Cheviot Hills. Khloé said, “But honey why send a letter when you can just talk to Mom directly?” Telma said OMG do you think she would have the time? & Khloé laughed and said “She’s my mom . I think I know her schedule better than you do! Mom’ll make the time, or I will kick her fat ass. She will always have time for you! ”

It was all too much to compute, Khloé was saying her mom always had time for her but Telma barely remembered even saying that much of a hello to Kris at Kourtney’s party, not that she supposed it really mattered, & besides, Telma was really starting to spin out on her crazed sugarfree people-high (she was actually a “vegan Nazi”—she stopped eating sugar when she learned she had kancer, the nutritionist told her to stay away from all karcinogenic or “kancer-friendly” items especially sugar, Telma was always telling everyone (( especially the parents of kancerkidz)) ((except not Aleisha’s mom)) that sugar was THE ABSOLUTE WORST for the human body & along with dairy which human beings were not meant to consume could literally FEED THE KANCER AND KILL you). She thanked Khloé & said she had to hurry and go find Michael Douglas before the show began & Khloé laughed, saying My little hustler again then turned to the unidentified friend sitting next to her to say, This girl’s gunna GO places . As Telma left she extracted/confirmed Khloé’s promise that once she got the letter, she would hand-courier it to Mama Bear. Khloé said she absolutely would but to please call if she wanted her to just pick her up & drive her to Kris’ house (OMG!!!!!!!!) adding with a wink how it was all very mysterious, this mysterious letter , & what a mysterious girl she was & how adorable— turning again to her unidentifed friend to say: Agent Telma — International Woman of Mystery!

The excitable little gal flitted from the table, like a bee moving on to another flower.

. .

Dessert and coffee were being served.

Bud had a few ideas for movies in his back pocket that he wanted to float past Brando. Hey why not, I’m a made man, already in the Ooh Baby stable. Real smooth and casual… just plant a seed. You never know.

“What do you think about doing a kind of prequel to The Social Network , except it’s about the early days of Microsoft . When the cracks in the business— and the personal relationship between Gates & Paul Allen — are just starting to show. Gates was trying to get rid of Allen, even if he had to lie and cheat. And Allen has cancer! Bill Gates is Mark Zuckerberg.”

“Then who’s Eduardo Saverin?”

“Paul Allen.”

“And who’s the Winklevoss twins?”

“I don’t know if we need twins ,” said Bud. “But if what you’re asking is did Gates fuck anyone else over there are lots of people out there. But we could have a pair of twins…” Bud didn’t want to talk about actual story anymore; he wanted to get to the mechanics of a potential deal. “I don’t think we need the rights to the Paul Allen book — it’s all public record. We would need to get permission from De Luca and Scott Rudin. I know them both, for years,” Bud lied, knowing such a detail was irrelevant. “We should obviously pitch Columbia, cause they already own it.”

Brando thought a moment, then said, “You think that’s something Sorkin would want to write?”

“Uhm, maybe.” Even though it seemed obvious to Bud that he was pitching himself to script it, he thought he should have been clearer. “This whole area’s actually totally in my wheelhouse . [A word the agents used 30 years ago, though Bud wasn’t sure if it was still en vogue ] “I really think I could ace this. And I’ve got a great title: Hotmail . I don’t think we’d even need to get permission from Microsoft, because it’s ‘fair use.’ Isn’t that a cool title? Hotmail? ”

. .

Telma finally finds Michael and Catherine.

Big hugs.

Michael turns to Rita Wilson and says: “That’s my tea partner. My tea partner in crime.”

He formally introduced Telma to Tom and Rita. “Aha!” said Tom, waving the program. “So you’re the one who’s closing the show! I gotta warn you, though, Telma, Beyoncé can be a tough act to follow.”

“Talk to Beyoncé, Tom,” said Michael. “Have a few words.”

“I’ll tell her to bring it down a few notches,” said Tom. “I’ll tell her to sit on it.”

“I’ll bet you will,” said Michael. Catherine instantly swatted him.

“I’m sorry, Cat,” said Tom re Michael’s penchant for double entendre. “Apparently, it doesn’t take much to get this guy started.”

“Don’t listen to these two clowns,” said Catherine to Telma. “You’re going to blow Beyoncé out of the water.”

“Of course she is,” said Rita.

“Don’t you worry about Telma ,” said Michael. “She can hold her own. She’s a showstopper, this one. Aren’t you.”

. .

Suzanne Somers storms over to Gwen — a woman on a mission. They’ve known each other for years but never really outside of the benefit machine. Tho watching Suzanne playfully grab hold of Gwen’s arm for all to see, you’d think they were sisters.

“Come with me NOW .”

Suzanne’s putting on a little show, the way celebrities do, holding Gwen’s hand as she weaves them through tables with an oomfy stride, everything sped up, just a smidgen larger than life, acceptable theater, low-watt, kicky spectacle. Gwen feels the eyes of the diners on them and it feels good; like having a small serving of how celebs must feel most of the time. In this case, everyone knows Suzanne, of course, but no one knows Gwen… she must be somebody , but who? Gwen loves the ambiguity.

As they head for god knows which table, Suzanne says, “He’s amazing .”

“Who?” says Gwen, a bit breathless, pleasantly distracted by each fresh set of spectator eyes.

“He worked with Tina on her chanting album.”

“Tina?”

“ Turner. It’s called Beyond . Tina’s a Buddhist, no one really knows that, she doesn’t talk about it. She made a CD of her own personal chants, it is so beautiful. Barry almost produced it.” (Gwen knew she was close to Barry Manilow.) “Will you promise me you’ll download it?”