Bruce Wagner - I Met Someone

He crept in through the pantry and was about ten feet away when the Great Scot swiveled to face him, holding an enormous drumstick in his paw— gluttonous interruptus .

“Ho ho!” he shouted. His sparkled being seemed to ratify some version of the woman’s more unorthodox claims. “My Devi wouldn’t be glad about my raiding the fridge — she’s worked herself into an awful swivet over my expanding girth.”

“I think you carry it rather well.”

“You’re too kind! Has she been telling you our story?”

“She has. I’ve never heard anything like it.”

“Of course you haven’t. But she tells it with panache , no? All curlicues and oddities being the same, and the occasionally queer yet always quirkily charming turn of phrase.”

“Yes yes, she tells it very well. But I can’t say I understand it all…”

“I can’t say I understand any of it! Please, then, to accept my invitation — the Source’s invitation — to the Society of the Uncomprehending. I’m delegate and chairperson, at your service. Go straight to the Source and ask the horse. Or perhaps I mean the other way around.” He went back to his rummaging. “A reg’lar Scheherazade she is, that girl, no? Or do I mean ir- reg’lar.”

“Is there more?” he asked. What Jeremy meant to say was that he wanted to hear “the Celt’s tale”—the old man’s side.

“ More? I should say! For another time … go now! Enjoy the dance! In the end, that’s all it is. A pataphysical rumba .” He laughed uproariously then robbed the “cold drawer” blind. Without looking up, he said, “ You’re dreaming of a child as well, no? That’s what she’s doing — she doesn’t know it yet — that’s why you’ve met . ‘A dream of children.’ Lovely! Both of you suffered a great loss; it’s piffle to say whose was the greater. All that comparisoning is the downfall of man. ‘I go, and it is done; the bell invites me…’ Thank Mr. Shakespeare for that one. We can thank him for nearly everything, no? Though I suppose at least we should try to… She’s talked a lot of the bells, no? Got bells on the brain, that one. Oh, you’ll find those children again, both of you — no worries in that regard! But first, you must dance.”

—

Dusty passed on to Snoop everything Ida Pinkert told her. It was the sort of lead that made a gumshoe’s day.

Her name was Claudia Zabert. The old woman hadn’t a clue where Reina found her, and other than the generic sluttiness that Ida alluded to, Dusty couldn’t remember much about her either. The babysitters were neighborhood locals — except for Claudia, who’d been imported from God knew where. She was probably about sixteen when she began working for the Whitmores, around the time Arnold was arrested and hospitalized. Dusty would have been ten. The actress remembered Claudia having boys over and sometimes even leaving the house with them after giving her hush money. Probably just a few dollars, but hey, none of the others did that. Come to think of it, she had tons of sitters — Claudia was the one Reina used the least. Maybe because she was hardest to get hold of.

Her parents often spent nights away. It was strange because until Ida’s revelation, she’d never given much thought to the whys and wherefores. It wasn’t hard to guess what her dad was doing — most likely haunting public johns and gay bars in Long Beach, San Pedro, or wherever. And Reina had her Mormon paramour… Dusty assumed there were a lot more where he came from (though not necessarily Mormon). The boss at her father’s bank was a prime candidate — how else would Arnold have kept his job after a charge of public lewdness?

Maybe Claudia was the daughter of one of those men…

She shared a few names and theories with Mr. Raskin.

—

It was a time of upheaval and great promise— shifting sands , as Ginevra put it — and the only thing that mattered was keeping her shit together. She sought balance in hyper-vigilant attention to body, mind, and spirit. Self-care was the theme of the hour: yoga and journaling workshops, colon cleanses, meditation-spa retreats. (She even got in touch with Marilyn about shrooming with the bruja .) It was essential to be awake and aware, ready with open heart for whatever pesky festivities the Universe had planned. The trouble with Allegra was put on the back burner; this was Dusty’s time. Besides, she’d had enough therapy to know that what was good for her would be good for the marriage.

She decided to visit Chakrapani, the renowned vedic astrologer. Her first session was a long while back, before she came out. Dusty remembered him being harsh, plainspoken, and unguarded; all of his predictions had come true. She’d been frightened to see him again, but now it was definitely time. She couldn’t afford to have fear in her life. About anything.

“You are at the end of a Ketu period . Ketu is the beginning of change taking place — it has been this way for the last three years.”

He worked from the guesthouse of a mansion in Hancock Park. Chakrapani must have been ancient but didn’t seem to have aged. Though he possessed that timeless, sprightly, lit-from-within guru energy, he still managed to give her the willies.

“Thereafter, you are in the Ketu-Jupiter. I’m wondering how the Ketu-Jupiter is going to react, because Ketu and Jupiter are not in harmonious conditions . They have the tendency to create some stress and anxiety. I’m wondering in what way it’s going to manifest for you, physically, mentally, psychologically. There is a tendency to create tension . It can also bring some traveling. Is it possible you will be traveling?”

“Yes — to England, for my work. I travel a lot for my work… but there’s nothing just now. Is it bad? To travel?”

“It’s not a question of ‘good’ and ‘bad.’ You’ll be prompted to do the traveling. It has the tendency to bring the possibility of traveling, going places. And Jupiter is aspecting the rising sign very strongly . Jupiter is also in aspect with Mars — Mars and Jupiter in mutual aspect, which can bring you organization . Doing things and getting things done, which is considered very good. I am also wondering if it will bring opportunity to bring entertainment and positive energies, and take life a little easier. Those kinds of things it can create. The nature of Jupiter is to be taking it easy. To spend money only on good causes. Not to take too much stress in doing things, which you used to do in the past.”

It was all a bit bland. Dusty wondered if he’d lost his touch, his edge, his whatever. He was known for not pulling punches, with celebrities, powerhouses, or anyone else. She remembered randomly mentioning him to Amy Pascal a few years ago and to her surprise, Amy went for a consult — which Dusty almost regretted, because apparently he foretold all the Sony craziness and a fall from grace. Not that there was anything Amy could have done about it.

“What else do you see?” she asked. She knew it wasn’t a crystal-ball/storefront psychic situation, but hey. “You can tell me anything. I promise not to flip out.”

She wanted him to drop the hammer, any kind of hammer — a sledge, a mallet, a gavel, even one of those little red rubber reflex dillies that doctors use on your knees. It was her Season of the Hammer and she implored the gods to bring it .

“From the point of view of the Ketu, Jupiter is not good. But from Jupiter itself , it is not bad . Jupiter is well placed in the Ninth House, it is aspecting the Rising Sign very strongly and in good relationship with Mars. What else do you want? But Jupiter is not a benevolent planet for people born with Virgo Rising. Your Rising Sign is Virgo. Jupiter is a malefic for people of that sign.”