Jón Gnarr - The Indian

That’s me. I’m not pretending. I’m not trying to be annoying. Why would anyone believe me? If I wasn’t funny, I’d just be stupid, and no one would want to be with me. I’d be like Rubber Tarzan. I want people to like me. I want everything to be okay.

Once a week we have Materials. We go to the big workshop full of all kinds of machinery and tools.

I want to learn about all these machines. I enjoy making things. I really like the smell of trees. They have a good smell when you saw them.

Each summer I go to a construction camp where I build myself a hut. I want to learn that more and better. I want to learn to make a two-story cabin with a door that can be locked. I also want to know how to build things for my miniatures, or a house for Action Man. It’d also be good to be able to build a dovecote with nets. I’d like to keep doves. But I don’t know how to build it and there’s no one to help me. I’ve tried it but it doesn’t stay up. There’s so much I can’t do. Hinges. And how do you hammer nails into thin sticks without splitting them? How do you stop things leaking? What sort of nails are you meant to use when? There’s so much I want to learn when it comes to carpentry. If I could choose, I’d like to make a flashy sword and shield or an Indian tent. But we can’t choose what we build. We don’t learn anything about the machines or how to make stuff. In fact, we don’t make anything. The only thing we do is to saw animals out of plywood. And we only get to choose whether we want to make a horse or cow. It’s still fun, for a little while, because we get to use a band saw. But it’s only fun for a short while. Most of our time is spent polishing the animal with sandpaper. That’s difficult and annoying work. You have to sand the edges well, first with coarse paper and then with fine paper. The teacher is never satisfied.

— No, you have to sand it a little more.

— It’s done!

— Hmm, you do need to sand it more with some fine sandpaper.

When we’re finished sanding, we put some brown stain on the animal and a plate under so it can stand up.

Finally, you burn your name under the base with a special tool. That’s exciting, partly because it’s fun to use the tool, but also because it’s a relief not to have to sand any more.

I don’t know what we’re allowed to do. That’s so annoying. I don’t learn anything but sanding plywood. You can’t tell me that’s something I’ll need to know when I’m all grown up. A stained plywood cow is not something anyone cares about. It won’t be a gift, let alone a lovely ornament. Mom would never put something like this up in her living room. I don’t want this thing in my room. And there’s no one I could give it to. I don’t even feel like it’s worth burning. It’s just pointless.

The only thing that is reliably fun at school is gym. That’s when we get to play games and do all kinds of exercises: climbing rope and jumping over a horse. It’s really fun to play Tarzan. That’s the one where you’re chased but you can’t touch the floor.

The sports teacher is a professional volleyball player. He does everything he can to introduce us to the world of volleyball. We often have volleyball competitions. But volleyball is a girly sport. You can’t punch or hit anything but the ball. I think it sucks and I think most boys feel the same way.

It’s sometimes fun in the changing room and shower after gym. First the boys get to shower, then the girls. We whip each other with towels and muck about. We take hold of our pricks, pull them back behind our balls, clamp our thighs together, and then it’s like we’ve got pussies.

There’s much teasing after gym class. It’s tough for the fat kids. Fat Dóri gets a bad ride. Everyone is always making fun of him and trying to pinch him.

— Lemme pinch your rolls, Dóri.

— Leave me alone!

— Ohhh, you’re so soft.

— Shut up!

Dóri has recently moved to the Fossvogur suburb. He’s considered weird and therefore automatically my friend. He’s also sometimes called Little Blue because there’s a British cartoon on TV about an elephant whose name is Little Blue.

Dóri is a blast. His mom and dad are divorced and he’s usually always alone at home, just like me. We hang out at his home a lot and make prank calls.

Some boys are shy about getting naked. They’re teased a lot, too. They keep their dicks hidden and rush in and out of the shower. Sometimes, someone grabs their underwear and throws it in the shower or hides their towel.

If a person is a really big dork, he’s in danger of seeing his underwear in the toilet or else someone takes it and throws it into the girls’ changing room. That’s the most humiliating, especially if the underwear is embarrassing, like if it has childish pictures on it. Rubber Tarzan has this happen to him all the time. He’s really the only one everyone picks on. I don’t think he enjoys gym.

If we’re taking too long to get dressed then the shower attendant, a woman, comes to tell us off and hurry us up. She also comes in to make sure that we aren’t trying to spy on the girls in the shower.

I never torment anyone. On the other hand, I don’t try to intervene when others are being tormented. If I start interfering, I’ll just get teased, too. Everyone gets teased at some point. All you have to do is wear stupid clothes or simply have a silly towel.

On Fridays we go to Assembly. We all sit on the floor and the principal has us sing. We sing “Bless You, the Spring is Calling You” and “By the River Öxará” and songs like that. I enjoy it. I make up nonsense words. I forget about the lyrics and try to sing the tune wrong:

The river’s got axles, tycoons eating rice,

An erect sunshade, shit in the fields!

Shit on the flag, poop in the Light,

Sperm at Þingvellir and shit in the fields.

Onward, onward, never to shit.

Onward, onward, men and cows alike.

Join your chewing gum bands,

Clasp your mucky hands,

Fight friends, defend our land!

If it sounds like I’m messing about the teacher comes running over and pinches me and takes me away. It’s best if the distortion is close to the original. If so, no one can hear but those sitting near me. They all laugh, and I’m funny and entertaining.

Everything in school is a lot of fun, except for the learning.

I’d gone to the Co-op. You can get anything under the sun there. I’d gotten a little money and I wanted to buy Mom something. But all I could afford was some thread on a piece of cardboard. Still, I think my mom will be happy with it. She has a box full of all sorts of thread. All on spools. She doesn’t have any thread like this. It’s in a white paper bag. I want to cheer Mom up because she is always so tired.

I’m coming back from the countryside, where I’ve been all summer. Perhaps she’s tired because I can’t stay in the country any longer.

I think I’ve been sent home. I’m still not sure. But I sense it. After what I did.

The farm stands in a high valley, up on a hill. A river flows through the valley. Right opposite the farm is another farm; it’s deserted. Behind it is a big black mountain. Directly in front of the farm there’s an old dam in the river. Below the farm is another farm; a different family lives there. All around are steep slopes and high mountains.

This is “out west:” right by Bjarkalundur and Reykhólar. I’ve been there, too. They process the algae. They have large machines that are like tractors; they drive out to sea and pull up seaweed. Bjarkalundur is a hotel. Dad goes there in summer. I’ve never been.