Stephanie Danler - Sweetbitter

Instead I said, my voice coming out of me with brusque clarity: “On certain days, I forget why I came here.” They nodded empathetically. “Do I need to justify myself all the time? Justify myself for being alive and wanting more?”

They introduced me to Terry, who bartered free drinks for free bumps. He was pushing forty, his hair balding from the top down so it was still long on the bottom, and he tucked it obsessively behind his ears. He raged like a bull in a pen back there, flirting, singing, snapping at the bar back. When I was introduced he pointed to his cheek so I kissed him and he gave me a beer.

He said, “On this day in 1864, General Grant surveyed General Lee’s army and knew he was sending his men to their deaths. He told his soldiers, There will be no surrender, gentlemen. And we think we have it rough.”

I thought, Is that even true? But instead I said, “At least they had something to fight for.”

He shrugged. “I may have made some bad life choices. Who can tell?”

A dagger of morning prowled outside the open windows. The air revived itself, my bones braced like something new was coming. We reentered the line for the bathroom, passing the bag between our back pockets, our hands lingering longer, a feeling of clouds, ominous, pads of melancholy on our fingertips, impending headaches….Mundane, yes, but thrilling to me, all of it.

—

“ALL RIGHT. What is Sancerre?” Simone’s brown eyes, serpentine.

“Sauvignon Blanc,” I answered, my hands crossed in front of me on the table.

“What is Sancerre ?”

“Sancerre…” I shut my eyes.

“Look at France,” she whispered. “Wine starts with the map.”

“It’s an appellation in the Loire Valley. They are famous for Sauvignon Blanc.”

“More. Put the pieces together. What is it?”

“It’s misunderstood.”

“Why?”

“Because people think Sauvignon Blanc is fruity.”

“It is not fruity?”

“No, it is. It’s fruity, right? But it’s also not? And people think you can grow it anywhere, but you can’t. Popularity is a mixed blessing?”

“Continue.”

“The Loire is at the top. It’s colder.” She nodded and I continued. “And Sauvignon Blanc likes that it’s cold.”

“Colder climates mean a longer growing season. When the grape takes a longer time to ripen.”

“It is more delicate. And has more minerality. It’s like Sancerre is the grape’s true home?”

I waited for affirmation or correction. I did not know half of what I’d said. I think she pitied me, but I received a grim smile and, finally, a half glass of Sancerre.

—

AFTER SERVICE the dishwashers rolled up the sticky bar mats and the smell of rot rose from the blackened grout in the tiles. The kitchen was a hollow amphitheater of stainless steel, still, but holding the aftereffects of the fires and banging and shouting.

The kitchen boys were scrubbing every surface, rubbing out the night. Two servers sat on the lowboy, eating pickled red onions from a metal tin. Leftover ice cream sat on the bread station, turning to soup.

“Hey, new girl, I’m in here.”

Me? Jake was in the doorway of a walk-in. He had a cup full of lemon wedges in his hand. His apron was streaked with wine, his shirtsleeves were rolled high and I could see his veins.

“Are you allowed to be in there?” What I meant is, Do you ever think about me the way I think about you?

“Did you like them? The oysters?”

When he said the word oysters, their flavor flamed on my tongue, as if it had been lying dormant.

“Yes. I think I do.”

“Come in here.” His tattoos showed themselves as he pressed the door open wider. I passed under his arm, looking back to make sure Simone wasn’t watching. I had never been in any space alone with him.

“Are we going to get locked in?” What I meant is, I’m scared.

Inside there were two open beers, the Schneider Weisse Aventinus, a bottle I’d pulled for the bar but never tasted. The beers were propped against a cardboard box labeled Greens but filled with littleneck clams. We were in the seafood closet. Crimson tuna fillets, marbled salmon sides, snowy cod. The air nipped at my skin, smelling like the barest trace of the sea.

“What’s that tattoo?” I asked, pointing to his biceps. He pulled his sleeve down.

Jake dug through a wooden crate labeled with masking tape, Kumamotos. He pulled out two tiny rocks, discarded the debris that clung to the outside. A strand of seaweed stuck to his pants.

“They look so filthy,” I whispered.

“They’re a secret. Quite a leap of faith.” His voice was quiet with the motor of the fridge, and I involuntarily shivered and moved toward him. He pulled a blunt knife out of his pocket and wedged the tip into an invisible crack. Two switches of his wrist and it was open.

“Where did you learn to do that?”

He pinched a lemon over it and said, “Take it quickly.”

I flipped the shell back. I was prepared for the brininess. For the softness of it. For the rigidity and strangeness of the ritual. Adrenalized, fiercely private. I panted slightly and opened my eyes. Jake was looking at me and said, “They’re perfect.”

He handed me the beer. It was nearly black, persuasive as chocolate, weighty. The finish was cream, it matched the oyster’s creaminess. The sensory conspiracy made the blood rush to my head, made my skin break out in goose bumps. Ignore him. Look away. I looked at him.

“Can I have another?”

—

IN BED I could feel the pain in my back diffusing into the mattress. I touched my neck, my shoulder, my biceps. I could feel where my body had changed. I clicked on my cell phone: 4:47 a.m. The black air wouldn’t move, it wouldn’t shift in or out the window. The heat was an adhesive — even the fan couldn’t disrupt it.

I went to the bathroom and saw my shirtless roommate passed out on the couch. His chest was slick with sweat and he was snoring. He had an air conditioner blasting away in his room. Some people were morons.

The bathroom was a narrow room of tiny brown tiles, brown grout and brown, moldy ceiling corners. I turned the shower on to cold and stepped in and out of it, gasping and sighing, until my skin was stiff. I put my towel on top of my sheets and lay down sopping wet. The heat landed again like tiny gnats on my skin.

I touched my abdomen, my thighs. I was getting stronger. I touched myself and I felt like stone. I saw Jake in the locker room dropping his pants, his tattered boxers, his pale legs. I thought about the sweat on his arms, of how violently he shook the cocktail shaker, of the sweat adhering his white T-shirt to him the day I first saw him. And when I tried to picture his face it was blank. It had no features except eyes. It didn’t matter. I came abruptly and gratefully.

My body shone in the distressed streetlight. I was used to being alone. But I’d never been aware of so many other people, also alone. I knew that all over the south side of Williamsburg people were staring at their ceilings, praying for a breeze to come and cure them, and like that I lost myself. I evaporated.

YOU BURNED YOURSELF. You burned yourself by participating.

On the wineglasses that came out in gushes of steam, on the espresso machine’s milk-scum-covered steamer wand, on the leaky hot-water faucet of the bar sink, on the china plates searing themselves in the heat lamps at the pass.

On the webbings of hands, on your fingertips, on your wrists, your inner elbows, strangely right above your outer elbow. You were restocking printer tape and had to move behind Chef, but caught your skin on the handle of a copper saucepan. You yelled, it spun and fell to the floor. Chef sent you out of the kitchen and you reset tables for the rest of lunch.