Emma Straub - Modern Lovers

“Is she? I hadn’t heard.” Dust took a long drag and blew it out, smiling. “I’m just fucking with you, man. You gotta relax. Ruby Tuesday needs some head space.”

“Whatever,” Harry said. “Ruby knows what she needs. And I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t steal any more pets.”

“I’ll think about it,” Dust said. “Now I think I need to go back to sleep. Tell Ruby I say hello. And tell the cat I say meow.”

“His name is Iggy Pop.”

“Who is?”

“The cat.”

“I thought it was a girl.” Dust shrugged. “I was calling her Whiskers.”

“I thought you didn’t have her. Him.”

“Does anyone really have anything?” Dust closed his eyes, his cigarette still in his mouth. “See you later, bodyguard.” Two of the other lumps on the floor began to stir. One of them grabbed Harry’s ankle, and he let out a very small yelp before hustling out the front door.

The yoga classes required a certain flexibility that Ruby didn’t possess in spades, and so she’d been spending most of her snooping time in the upstairs bedrooms. At first she assumed that the whole thing was just a cover for a whorehouse — a hippie escort-service kind of thing — but by her third visit, she reluctantly admitted that it didn’t seem to be the case. Everyone at the house was earnest and open, like they’d had their senses of humor taken out and run through a car wash, which wasn’t the least bit sexy. If anything illegal was happening, it certainly wasn’t that. It occurred to Ruby that Andrew might just be getting into shape, the way people did when they realized they were going to die someday. It really didn’t seem like a major problem. Lena was nice, though, and Ruby found that she actually liked spending time with her. It was the complete opposite of how she spent time with her friends at school, where she was never sure if they were being sarcastic or not. Lena retained eye contact for a scary long time and made Ruby tea with special little sticks and twigs that were supposed to balance her qi.

They were sitting on some pillows in the upstairs lounge, which had formerly been the attic. The ceilings weren’t quite tall enough to stand under at full height, but you could sit up comfortably against the wall or just flop over onto the floor. It was kind of like being in the ball pit at a Chuck E. Cheese, only no one wore deodorant. Lena had been living at EVOLVEment for a month. She was from Rhode Island and thinking about doing her reiki training, but she wasn’t sure.

“Want to practice on me?” Ruby wasn’t sure how it worked, but most of the special treatments at EVOLVEment looked like napping with another person watching, more or less, which didn’t seem hard.

“Sure,” Lena said.

Ruby scooted down so that her head was near Lena’s lap and crossed her arms over her chest and shut her eyes tight.

“You look like a vampire,” Lena said.

“Maybe I am,” said Ruby. She opened one eye. “You’ve been warned.”

“No, seriously,” Lena said. “Lie down, arms at your sides, and try to relax. I’m just going to concentrate on your energy.”

Ruby closed her eyes again. “Okay,” she said. “Are you doing it yet? How do I know when it’s working?”

“Be quiet,” Lena said. “And it’ll work.”

Ruby tried to settle down. “How does this place make money? Is that a rude question?” She opened an eye again. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Lena said. She didn’t seem annoyed. “I’ll practice my acupressure instead.” She gently placed her thumbs on Ruby’s wrists and pressed down. “Dave is just that kind of guy, you know? Charismatic. People give donations. Some people give their time, like me, and some people give money. It’s a really good ecosystem, actually.”

“Like, rent money?” Ruby felt a twinge in her shoulder and jerked involuntarily.

“Ooh, I hit something, let’s spend some more time there,” Lena said. She moved both of her hands to Ruby’s arms and poked around until she found what she wanted and dug in. “Some people pay rent, but then there are some big investors. You know, like big money. Like to buy a house.” She moved one finger to the left, and Ruby jerked again.

“I wonder what you have to do to convince people to give you money,” Ruby said. “I want that skill.”

Lena laughed. “He used to be an actor. Dave. When he was a kid, like. Or a teenager, I guess. You’d recognize him if you saw him without his beard. He had a stage name — I don’t remember what it was. But I think that’s why. He just gets right in there with people and knows what they need to hear. It’s really an amazing talent. It’s like, if you love animals, Dave will tell you about how he wants to organize a retreat to the rain forest to look at frogs or whatever. And then you’ll give him the money to do it, and it’ll happen. Or it won’t, exactly, but maybe he brings some frogs here, you know?”

“Huh,” Ruby said. She jerked again. Whatever Lena was doing was definitely going to leave a bruise. She needed way more practice than Ruby was going to give her. Ruby wondered what kind of training was actually happening at EVOLVEment, if any of them truly knew what they were doing or if they were all taking turns being the emperor with no clothes.

“It’s really his most special talent. It’s almost like being a therapist, you know? Or like a spiritual guide. He helps people.”

“Like, helps people part with their money.”

“No, it’s not like that, it’s really different,” Lena said. “He helps people realize their potential. And if it serves EVOLVEment, even better.”

“I get it,” Ruby said. It was weird to think about other people’s parents — about your boyfriend’s parents — as dupes. It was like seeing them clip their toenails or have diarrhea. Some things you just weren’t supposed to see. Ruby had always thought of Andrew as the good kind of dad, the kind of dad she would have wanted, if she’d been forced to choose. He was sort of reserved, which Zoe said was because he grew up with too much money. He was masculine without being macho, and he looked good in a T-shirt, which wasn’t as easy as it sounded. Andrew wasn’t as bad as it came — one of her classmates’ fathers had gotten caught texting dick pics to the babysitter — but Ruby felt slightly nauseous thinking about Andrew as an actual human being. A human being who was going to be really embarrassed really soon, probably.

“And you guys all know? I mean, like, who’s giving lots of money for Dave’s projects?”

“Well, no, not everyone,” Lena said. “But I’m sleeping with him.”

“I see,” Ruby said.

“He’s a very open guy,” Lena said. “You should meet him.”

“I think I’m okay,” Ruby said. She rolled over to one side, squinting with pain. “I should probably go.”

Lena held her hands in a prayer position. “ Namaste. Call me if you change your mind.”

“I will,” Ruby said, and crawled over to the stairs on her hands and knees.

Andrew was in the kitchen, and Elizabeth was in the living room. It was the middle of the day, and he was expecting to hear from Dave about some details on the Waves. The architect had sent his drawings to the city, and they were waiting on approval, but in the meantime Andrew was having his lawyers draw up some documents. Dave had been hesitant — he said he was a handshake guy — but Andrew wanted everything to be aboveboard. Dave had said he’d call or text as soon as he heard anything, and Andrew was lolling around in front of the open fridge like a teenager, neither hungry nor thirsty, just looking for something to do.