Jade Sharma - Problems

“Don’t tell anyone about the intercom,” I said.

“I wouldn’t, Maya. C’mon,” Mark said. Mark was rail thin. He was Chinese American. Generations of his family had lived in California. There was a hint of surfer dude accent in his voice. He was so small. Whenever I imagined myself doing him, I thought of a fat brown cow sitting on a beautiful little dove.

“I don’t feel well.” My neck was sweating.

“If you want to go in half an hour, I don’t mind closing without you.”

“Mark, you’re too good to me.”

“I’m too nice. That’s why I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“No, that’s not it. It’s your clothes. Oh, and your personality and face.”

“Right. I forgot about those things.”

“Actually, you have a nice face.”

Awkward silence.

“Thanks, Maya.”

“I mean, not for me, but for, like, the world or whatever.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” He smiled. He was so sweet. I was a tease.

Mark went back upstairs, and I was alone. No one came downstairs after about seven or so. Only nonfiction and plays were downstairs. I picked up Fun Home , this graphic novel I was reading, but my eyes kept tearing up.

My head was buzzing, and I felt dizzy. I thought of fucking Ogden to distract myself.

I thought of how I was going to say, “Yeah, fuck me, Daddy,” as he pounded me from behind.

I thought of how when he fucked me missionary, he pulled down the cups of my bra so my tits spilled out.

For an old dude, Ogden had a nice body. He was thin but muscular. He had a few white hairs on his chest and belly. He was tall. When he was fucking me on the edge of the bed, I liked putting my hand out and feeling his stomach. I liked how it was hard and fuzzy, and how there was no fat there. You couldn’t tell he was old till you scanned back up and looked at his face. Or his ass. He had an old, droopy, sad ass. Most men have sad asses, but Peter didn’t. Peter had a robust, taut booty that stuck out. I didn’t understand why women liked men’s butts, like how they showed women checking them out in movies.

One time Ogden fingered my ass as he fucked my mouth. I was on all fours on the bed, and he was standing. I pulled back too far, and his cock fell out of my mouth. “C’mon,” he said, and put his cock back into my mouth. I liked feeling like a thing.

I liked feeling like nothing.

There was more nothing in a woman. There was the asshole, pussy, and mouth. But you could also store a baby in the belly and two jugs of milk fit perfectly in each tit.

Imagine the voice-over in a car commercial, and the image of a woman’s naked body on a shiny black surface, the camera slowly panning up. The female body, luxurious and roomy, can accommodate three cocks and three babies at full capacity. One baby sucking on each nipple and one sleeping comfortably inside [show ultrasound of zygote in women’s belly] while there is one cock in the pussy, one in the ass, and one sliding in and out of the mouth .

I imagined being tied to a bed and different men coming in and fucking me.

I was pouring sweat. I was horny and felt gross. The slicks of sweat gathered underneath my tits. My high school best friend, Molly, used to say belly buttons smelled like hot dogs. I wanted to take a long shower, brush my teeth, buy a cardigan, and be a normal human fucking being.

I thought about a man pushing my head down so my forehead pressed against the counter as he fucked me from behind.

I went on Facebook and found this guy, Ian, I knew from high school. He used be hot and wore T-shirts of cool bands you were embarrassed to say you’d never heard of. He had gotten fat, and his status updates were about the food he cooked. “Made vegetable fajitas with peppers, tomatoes, onions from the farmer’s market, avocados, and Mexican cheese, wrapped in a homemade tortilla.” And then there was a picture of what looked like sad brown food covered in a fat scoop of sour cream on a terra-cotta plate. Why did seventeen people like this? Why did some girl named Terry need the recipe to make it for “her hubby”?

The word “hubby” made me cringe.

Molly was on Gchat.

Maya:what’s with Ian’s posts every day about what he eats?

Molly:jesus, I know. he’s always making quinoa and then covering it in a tub of cheese

Maya:he’s getting fatter and fatter

Molly:yeah, he’s probably eating a box of donuts right now covered with a box of donuts

Maya:remember when I stole his sock for you? you were obsessed

Molly:gawd, I hate time. he used to be so fucking hot and now he’s like the worst bitch ever. remember his hair?

Maya:how’s nathan?

8:35 PM

Molly:I’m in post sex cloud of clouds

Maya:you’re still hooking up with him?

8:36 PM

Molly:i couldn’t walk straight when i left his house today. he found a way to bang straight into my g-spot for like a thousand years. i went cross-eyed. this would be the highlight of any fat mom’s life.

8:38 PM

that’s probably TMI. sorry.

Maya:no it’s awesome

8:39 PM

Molly:yeah. it kind of freaks me out that we aren’t done figuring out what to do with each other’s bodies yet. i predict at least another year until this shit wears off.

8:40 PM

i’m sorry. it’s boring.

8:42 PM

Maya:i’m supposed to see ogden tomorrow

Molly:!!!

Maya:it’s so over

Molly:why do you think that?

Maya:he’s making me feel like shit all the time. i feel like he hates me. he really likes anal. do you think that means he’s like 2 steps closer to gay on the kinsey scale or a misogynist?

Molly:misogynist. Oh god. did I tell you I think nathan does that thing where he hangs himself when he jerks off?

8:44 PM

Maya:like David carradine?

8:45 PM

Molly:there’s a rope in his bathroom but i’m scared to ask cuz i don’t wanna embarrass him. yesterday was nathan’s birthday. he’s 39. i’m in love with his forearms. hopeless case over here! good lord that was intense today. what’s a girl to do? just float around on it when it exists, i guess.

8:52 PM

i need to smoke hash and watch tv now.

8:53 PM

maybe i’m a nympho. do you think there are other women out there who would make such a big deal out of fucking?

8:55 PM

Maya:yeah, fucking is universally and historically something people make a big deal out of. love, fucking, and art. do you still ever paint? i still have that one you gave me for my birthday somewhere. it was really good.

8:56 PM

Molly:boo. i was never talented. i didn’t care so i was like free or whatever. having a kid has made me boring and fat and i can’t even enjoy this nathan thing cuz i don’t know how to be the kind of person who doesn’t care if it goes away or not. i’m in an old lady panic about it.

8:58 PM

the sex got better last month. by a mile. he used to be really selfish and weird in bed, which i just happen to think is hot. but now, i’m having like blackout fireworks stuff

Maya:i’m so jealous. last time ogden didn’t even want to

9:01 PM

Molly:the same thing happened with me and nathan where we didn’t fuck for a while and i thought maybe that was the end, so i asked him over e-mail “do you think we are winding down?” and he just said “i’ll wind you down.”