Unai Elorriaga: Plants Don't Drink Coffee

Then Don Juan made some signs with his hands. Don Fermin gave him a fierce look. Mateo asked:

“And the competition?”

“The competition? The competition was a big deal in this town. First the English came. Then they brought the judges, from all over the world. One was black; the other an albino. Judges came from all over the world to this town. Finally the Welshman arrived, with his entire family. The Welshman brought his whole family, and they stayed there, in Urtiko’s inn. The Welshman’s nose was so long it fell to his knees.”

Afterwards he told them Don Isidro gave the Englishmen permission to hold the competition inside the church, and Julian and the Welshman started working in front of everybody, underneath the choir. But there used to be too many people watching them and they couldn’t work in peace. And Don Juan said they hung a piece of fabric from the choir, like a curtain, for the carpenters to have some privacy and space for themselves. But people took it to be some sort of theater, and thought the curtain would go up at some point, to show the carpenters at work on their pieces. Some even brought chairs from home and put them in front of the curtain, underneath the choir, and waited for the curtain to go up. Until Don Isidro kicked them out. Eventually not even the Englishmen were allowed into the church to watch the carpenters at work.

Mateo was getting very nervous by then; Don Juan was giving them all sort of trite details about the competition, yes, but he didn’t say the most important thing. He didn’t say who won and who lost. He didn’t say what Aitite Julian did. He wanted him to say who won first, and give the details afterwards. Mateo asked him directly:

“And the winner, Don Juan? Who won the competition?”

“The ‘winner’? What does that word mean, señe ? ‘Winners and losers.’ Is that what you think of these days? You really haven’t taken after your aitite much. And what are you, son, a winner or a loser? And me? And Don Fermin? Was Jesse Owens a winner? And Hitler, what was Hitler? And Hitchcock? And a man with a piece of almond stuck between his teeth, is he a winner or a loser? And when he gets it out, what is he? A winner? And if instead of an almond he gets a piece of strawberry stuck between his teeth, what is he then?”

Mateo was a bit shocked by Don Juan’s tirade; he didn’t know what to say. He was a little frightened. He said: Sorry. Don Juan liked this attitude better and he continued telling them about the competition in great detail. And after talking for three quarters of an hour he said the carpenters finished their work suddenly and lots of people came to church to see what they had done. He said more than two hundred people came to church and stood in front of the curtain. And the Englishmen were in the first row, as well as the judges, sitting on chairs, waiting for the curtain to come up.

And the curtain did come up, said Don Juan. And surprisingly there was only one piece behind it. Do you realize, señe ; they made one piece between the two of them. Instead of making one each. It was a masterpiece though; the best work of carpentry in Europe, no doubt. But there was nothing to judge there. For a competition to work you need to be able to choose between two pieces, and they had made one between them. Do you see, señe ; they had mocked the English. And the judges. They had mocked the whole world. That’s who your aitite Julian was, son.

And Don Juan said the English were very annoyed, and didn’t want to pay the Welshman’s return fare. And he said everybody in this town gave some money towards the Welshman’s fare. And they collected money in excess, because everybody here though the Welshman was such a nice guy, and they used the extra money to host a farewell dinner for him. And the Welshman recited seventeen poems in Welsh, to thank them. And a child, Gaspar’s son, learned the seventeen poems by heart, even though he didn’t understand a word of them. And it was a sight to behold, to watch Gaspar’s son reciting the poems in Welsh, in a slightly different way each time.

Mateo asked what happened with the piece the carpenters had made, whether it stayed in the church. Don Juan said it didn’t, the Englishmen bought it from Don Isidro and showed it all over Europe and even America; they took it to lots of exhibitions and many people believed it was the most perfect work of carpentry in the whole world, and a cinema producer bought it in Germany. Don Juan said it had a cameo role in a Hitchcock movie.

Then Don Juan went silent. He asked Don Fermin for a bit of water. And he said:

“And what were the Marx brothers, señe , winners or losers? And Giuseppe Verdi?”

Uncle Simon. Last couplet

“And mackerel, Simon, are they better to watch or to eat?” asked Gur.

“To watch,” Simon.

“And what about to eat?”

“To eat too.”

“. .”

“. .”

“Where did you put the Irish?”

“There, in Urtiko’s inn.”

“And the Welsh?”

“Some of the Welsh are in Tomasa’s guesthouse and the rest in Maloena.”

“In Maloena? And where do they sleep?”

“In the living room.”

“And the snoring?”

“In stereo.”

“. .”

“. .”

“Tomorrow at quarter past ten, then?” Gur.

“At quarter past ten in Maloena. The match is at twelve.”

“And what do we need to do, bring the ladders?”

“Bring the ladders. And the goalposts. All the way to the golf course, so we need half an hour at least. Say three quarters of an hour.”

“And then we need to put the goalposts up.”

“The goalposts and everything else.”

“And the police, Simon? And if they stop the match?”

“They can’t stop the match, Gur. No one would stop a Wales — Ireland match. The police aren’t that dim.”

“True,” Gur.

“True,” Simon.

“Simon, what does umbrella mean?”

The following day sixty-seven people met at Maloena: Gur, Simon, the Welsh and Irish teams, dressed in red and green respectively, and Gur and Simon’s friends, acquaintances, cousins. Each person carried a ladder and the players carried the goal posts as well. They had gathered more than forty ladders in Maloena.

And it was a sight to behold: forty-something ladders under the arms of as many men and a pair of rugby goalposts moving towards the golf course. And the Welsh and the Irish teams dressed in the Welsh and Irish colors, in red and green. The people watching the unlikely procession knew they were going to the golf course, and knew the match would be on at twelve o’clock. And one guy said These English people are mad, and someone else said They’re not English, and the one who’d spoken first said There are lots of redheads, and the other one said So what. And the one who’d spoken first said Is the match on the golf course? And the second one said Yes, on the golf course, and the one who’d spoken first said And do they have permission? And the other one said No, and the one who’d spoken first said And the police? And it was very sunny, but it was a chilly morning.

And finally they reached the stone wall surrounding the golf course. Gur, Simon, the teams in red and green, the friends, the acquaintances and the cousins. And they placed twenty-three ladders on one side of the stone wall and the other twenty-three on the other. To go up and down. And that was the main entrance to the rugby stadium, and those coming to watch the match would recognize the way in immediately. And someone said There’s one ladder too many and someone else said There are never too many ladders. And it was the notary of Lanta who said that. And when he spoke he was at the top of the stone wall, the notary of Lanta, and about to descend into the golf course.